I am the type of person who hates not finishing something. It is why all these years later I am still playing the original game Candy Crush on my phone. I am determined to get to the last level but the dam creators keep adding more and more… I believe they are past 2000 and I am only on level 1270! At this rate I don’t know if I will ever catch up as I refuse to spend any real money on buying boosters and gold bars!
I am not just a dedicated phone gamer I am also a lover of reading. I love a good series… cough Harry Potter.. cough Star Wars… cough. I am always on the watch for new ones or ones I may have missed. Every now and then I am pointed in the direction of a series I am told I would enjoy. Game of Thrones is one of them but I am fearful to start it. I hear Martin has no qualms about killing off characters and I have attachment issues with my favorites… sniff Snape sniff. The other series that was suggested was Diana Gabaldon’s Outlander. I read some reviews on it and it seemed to be well loved… plus it is 8 books long! It would have solved by “what will I read next” issue for a while. It addition, it is currently a Starz program. I was basically given months of potential entertainment!
So I picked up the first book to get started… if you haven’t read or seen the series and don’t wish to be spoiled I created this page break for your safety! Continue reading
I sat in traffic for two hours and fifteen minutes and I came home to dinner on the table. He’s so good to me. I cry but happy tears.
There was a post I came across in a group I am that asked for opinions on the following shirt…
The poster was soliciting opinions on whether or not people would wear it. It is a yes or no answer with an optional corresponding reason for why you would or wouldn’t wear it. I originally said I would but changed my mind. I would not wear it because of the word bitch. I am not at all offended or bothered by the word fat. I’m also not all that offended by the word bitch either… I just think it inappropriate to wear on a shirt. That is my opinion. I do not begrudge others from wearing. You like it rock it because it’s none of my business.
Drama happened like it always does when you have a group of people on the internet with various opinions chiming in on any subject matter. That is perfectly fine. However, I draw the line when an opinion becomes a judgement on people’s personal space (no one is perfect I am sure I have said things without thinking how it is judgy… I am probably doing it right now…). However, like clockwork there was that one person that took it beyond themselves and decided it smart to cover all wearers of this shirt under the same blanket. This commenter posted that she thinks anyone that would wear this shirt needs to go get some self-esteem because they are clearly insecure and that wearing this shirt is just self-depreciation. She received replies from other women stating how they would wear it and they are perfectly secure with themselves and happy. Others stated that it is not self-depreciation because it is reclaiming the word fat from people who try to use it as an insult. She disagreed and maintained her stance.
Firstly, I don’t like blanket statements. I don’t believe in black and white. The world is full of many hues of gray. Not all cops are bad. Not all blacks are criminals. Not all whites are supremacists. Not all religious people are nuts. Not all men are assholes. Not all thin people are healthy. Not all fat people are unhealthy or insecure.
Secondly, I don’t believe that opinions have a place in someone’s personal space. The size of someone’s body, what they eat, what they generally look like, and what they decided to put on it is no one’s business. This is their personal space. You have no say over it. If someone says that wearing a shirt that says “Fat Bitch” doesn’t mean they are insecure it’s not your place to continue to say it does. If you think it is gross that a fat person wants to wear a bikini to the beach it is not your place to tell them they cannot do so.
You don’t like the shirt don’t buy it and wear it. End of story. End of your opinion. Once you move past that and start critiquing others on why they would wear the shirt you begin to enter different territory. If someone responds and tells you that you’re wrong that wearing the shirt does not make them insecure… believe them and move on.
I have a problem with this kind of attitude and call me out if I am wrong I won’t bite.
Partner is by definition a person who comes together with another person in an undertaking with a shared outcome. By moving in together that is exactly what we did. I often fret about whether or not I am holding my even share in this wonderful venture. Living with him as been one of the easiest things I have ever done. It feels natural like I was always suppose to be here… in this place… creating our home and building our lives.
Yet I am nagged by the fact that I can’t remember the last time I cooked something. My guess would be around last December. Yet I never go hungry. Even when he is not around the leftovers sustain me until his return. I am not kidding. This past week I made a fritta and Brussels sprouts stretch four days! I am tired of eggs, but I didn’t have to buy any of the overpriced food they try to sell around where I work. And when he is home… my dinner is always packed and ready to go for the next day. I am hardly around during the week between my hours and the time it takes to commute back and forth. He has made this work transition so seamless for me.
However, I really should cook on the weekends when I am home. I really should. But then does things like making pizza or BBQ chicken. It’s soooooo good. I can’t compete with his kitchen skills. Flavors come natural to him. He can wing something and it will be a party in my stomach. He says he loves to cook and I am forever grateful for that… but I don’t want him to feel like he always HAS to cook. I know my way around a kitchen just not as well. I try to compensate for my lack of cooking by keeping up with the laundry, dusting, and vacuuming…. the last two I been slacking on due to the fact I hate dust and there is cat hair EVERYWHERE. Yet that is only one day a week. His underwear may be clean but I eat everyday! Then again he does wear clean clothes everyday… it’s the same thing right?
I should stop being paranoid about my lack of cooking hours. I should take my solace in the fact that if he didn’t like something he wouldn’t do it. I should believe that I do in fact bring my fair share to this relationship. I’ve done a lot of growing in the past two years. I fixed my credit. I have a back account even though I hate banks. I am not longer miserable at work because I found a job in the path I have chosen as my career. It’s not perfect but nothing ever is really. Most importantly, to me anyway, I am in a healthy relationship with the man I love and want to spend the rest of my days. Yet I can’t kick these dam insecurities. I feel like a character that is having trouble developing!
For the past four months I have been listening to the audio books of the Harry Potter series. I’ve read the books before but I wanted to listen to them again after so many years passed. If you haven’t listen to Jim Dale read Harry Potter you are seriously missing out! He had voices for all the characters and I was most impressed with his ability to remember them throughout the seven books! The Harry Potter books have been my sole companion as I drove to and from work and now my car is empty.
Anyone have any recommendations for a captive audio book. I hardly doubt there are any that can fill Harry’s shoes but I am willing to give something a chance. I am lonely and the radio isn’t cutting it with all their commercials!
I had an appointment with my therapist this morning (I’m super happy she is back from maternity leave). We talked about all the self-deprecative silly thoughts bestowed upon my psyche this past couple weeks.
- I turned 35 and I am acting like I am so old. I am getting married soon and I am excited about that… but then I start thinking about kids… and the fact I am still not 100% on where I stand with that… and how I will be 36 if all goes right when I become pregnant for the first time. I know women are having children later in life than in the past but I can’t help feeling scared about it.
- I am having many more “I feel fat and ugly” days recently. I am trying to get healthier but every 3 steps forward I fall back 2 1/2. It’s like I can’t east anything without it attaching itself to my stomach. Fat loves my stomach 😦 I don’t place my happiness on being thinner but I really would love to do things without all the extra pain and effort it takes.
- My troubled past creeps in from time to time knocking me out of nowhere when it does. This past weekend I was reminded how sometimes… if not most of the time.. people don’t like to get involved in situations that don’t involve them. A conversation was had amongst friends regarding some new loud neighbors… and possible abuse happening. I made the suggestion that the cops be called but I was retorted with a “I don’t want to get involved.” This brought me back to the time my neighbors didn’t call the cops when I was screaming for my life. Instead they called the rental office to complain about the noise level coming from our apartment. This naturally dampened my mood and I ended up crying waiting on a line to buy lake tour tickets.
- This led to me hating on myself. I hate that I cry all the time. I hate that these memories and pains can’t just disappear completely from my life. I understand that this is impossible that my past is a part of my but I don’t want it to keep interfering with my future.
- This brought my thoughts to what is the point of life and why even exist? No I would never kill myself but that still don’t stop me from questing the point of it all if pain never completely heals.
- I actually said the words to myself… I hate being white. Driving through the south we saw a whole lot of confederate flags… a friend who lives down south doesn’t go to certain places because her skin is brown… this superiority complex of some white people does not represent me… so why do I beat up on myself? I don’t treat people like I am better… never have.
- I bury my depression in shopping but I need to focus on saving… so my internal struggle to want stuff with the words Harry Potter or Star Wars on it is at odds with my desire to go on vacations… what the hell is wrong with me!
I am in so much mental pain I don’t know what to do with it all.