But let me first write an introduction

I would like to begin my blogging adventure with a short introduction and intent for what I will be sharing with whoever stumbles across my ramblings. My name is Stephanie and I am 33 year old woman from New York City. Like so many people I have had a life long struggle with allowing others to shape my opinions of myself. Over the past year my life has changed in so many profound ways that I have had this nagging feeling to write about it. That is why I have begun this blog. I am blogging publicly because I want to join in the body positive revolution by contributing my story and journey in hopes of helping others. I also want to contribute to the fight to end emotional, mental, and physical abuse. I hope to inspire others to do the same because no two peoples’ stories are the similar. We may share in the struggle but we each handle them in our own unique ways. We can learn from one another. Form a community with a stronghold of support. It took me decades to finally get a grip on myself and now I want to extend the invitation to join me on my journey to sustainable happiness and self-acceptance.

The title of this blog, “When I thought I was fat,” was born from my constant complaining about how “I wish I was the weight I was when I thought I was fat.” A mouth full I know, hence the shorter title, but for me, there is no truer statement. Ever since I was around six years old I believed myself to look like a “rollie pollie.” This was a result of how adults spoke to me and how it made me feel. From my cheerleading coaches to family members, no one was exempt from my overpowering abilities to let the words of others shape my self-esteem as I grew up.

Yet now when I look at old photographs of myself I do not see a “rollie pollie.” I see an active child. An athletic child. A child capable of doing all the same things, and sometimes even more, than children that were considered “thin” or “light.” I see a young high school girl that wore clothes that were entirely too big to hide this hideous thing people called “fat.” Yet I sit here now typing my first blog 70 pounds away from my high school weight wishing so bad to get that number back.

I began diets every Monday. Meal skipped. Joined a gym. Began weight watchers. Gave up. Rejoined a gym. Rejoined weight watchers. Starved myself. I was stressed and living in an unhealthy environment where I was made to feel worthless by a man who claimed to care for me. I wasn’t good enough as I was. I wasn’t pretty until I was thin. I didn’t deserve the respect of a man until I was thin. Everything was just on the other side of the “until I was thin.” All this accumulated to my highest weight of 338 lbs. Last June I joined weight watchers for the last time. Ditched the gym because I discovered long walks worked best for me. Through the support of my family, friends, weight watchers groups, and therapy, I have learned to take things day by day. I learned that I am more than just a number on a scale. I learned to be happy with myself as I am now. I have not mastered self-acceptance perfectly but I am so much stronger than I was two years ago.


15 thoughts on “But let me first write an introduction

  1. This was inspiring. You are wonderful! This is such an issue for so many women. I know I’ve struggled with it most of my life as well. Good on you for such an honest post and good luck on your journey. Excited to hear more!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. As a woman I have faced this issue so many trials and tribulations just to realize I am awesome no matter what size I am. Of course I strive to be healthy and that is the goal but you truly hit the nail on the head in your post what best works for you! I am so happy you let me in to your world and share your story. I look forward to many many more!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ve said that to myself too. “I wish I weighed what I did back when I thought I was fat!” I have periods of inactivity and high activity. I love being physically active, but I hate stressing out when I think I have to do it to lose weight. There’s too much pressure and it’s no fun walking or running when you’re counting every calorie.
    This is an inspiring post! I look forward to more!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Wow. This is what I needed to hear today. I too struggle with my weight. I also realize I really critical of myself only focusing on my flaws. It seems to have gotten worse. Looking forward to more.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Steph your beautiful no matter what!!!! Most of us, to say the least for our family struggle with being a bigger people. I never felt beautiful until right before my baby was born. Now post pregnancy im still big, i feel ugly, feel like someone is always in te back round judging me because im not “perfect”. But i always seem to remind myself that i am beautiful just the way i am. Love you cuz. And will continue to follow your post!!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. “I have not mastered self acceptance perfectly, but I am so much stronger than I was …” This is the epitome. You’ve learned the secret that many others don’t either understand, or don’t know exists. That statement alone makes you a Master, I wish you nothing but the best along this journey of self expression and revelation!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Louise, Seeing this article may help others and that is a very good thing. Please try to think of God, the one that created you, when you look at and think about your “body”. Do you think he cares what you look like? Your body is nothing more than a shell to house your soul while you live life on Earth learning lessons that will grow you soul by adding more knowledge and experience. Think of your body like a car. When you reach your destination, you park it and get out of it. It doesn’t matter what kind of car you arrived in, only how you drove it. As for others, if they are judging you, for anything, especially the way you look, you really should reconsider the kind of souls you choose to associate with.


  8. You’re very brave for sharing this, especially after what you’ve been through. Thank you for making yourself vulnerable, so that others might be helped. I too, am on this journey. I look forward to reading about your triumps!

    Peace and love to you,

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Pingback: Throwback Thursday: Reflecting on 2015! | When I thought I was fat!

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