What have I learned since starting this blog, interacting with others, and reading their blogs….I am not alone!
The experiences I’ve had, the thoughts that filled my brain, the ways I let other people shape my opinions of myself are not proprietorially mine. So many others have the same experiences, and the same feelings about themselves. These insecurities also come in all shapes, sizes, and all colors of the rainbow. It seems no one is exempt from feeling down on themselves. That realization was very disheartening. The world around us, whether it is the media or other people, is affecting our own feelings.
Society cannot be control. It is just not possible. We find a way to take back our self-esteem; they’ll find a way to pull the rug out from under our feet. When we finally decide to start loving ourselves and forming empowerment communities; there will be people who will try and knock it down because for some reason they don’t like this. Fat = bad and dam us for trying to change that! Why do people want others to remain miserable? I don’t know. I’ll never understand this. I guess it’s like the saying goes…misery loves company.
I no longer feel stupid for having my thoughts and feelings. At a previous job there was this employee who was extremely lazy. They would show up whenever, sleep in a back office, play music, and leave work for long periods of time on breaks. They were very difficult to work with. One day they got into some trouble and decided the best course of action was to complain about others. A few people were called into the office and questioned. As a result all the previous transgressions were put out in the open (don’t throw stones at someone pushing a wheelbarrow!). The boss said that there is a difference between one person complaining about everyone and many people complaining about one person. Since many people had the same complaints it was considered a problem. This person was then let go.
What’s my point?
Simple. I shouldn’t feel stupid for my feelings since many people are feeling the same. We’re not just making it up. We are a large group of strangers coming together on an internet space because we feel the need to vent, seek support, tell our stories of recovery, whatever it may be. How can it be that so many people have the same complaints? Where is it all coming from? Think about that.
“I hate being fat…
I hate everything about it
I hate how hard it makes daily living
and how many mental barriers I have to fight through just to do what others do
And I hate having to justify everything to myself because I feel like I owe the world to lose weight” (Baker, p. 76)
I am currently reading a book by Jes Baker called Things no one will tell fat girls.” I find myself relating to pretty much everything she talks about and the quote above really resonated with me. This was my mind set. To some degree it still is.
The part in the quote that really hit me was when she says “I hate how hard it makes daily living and how many mental barriers I have to fight through just to do what others do.” OMG how this is true! I am one big mental barrier blockage. Things that come so easy for others (or at least in my head I think it comes easy) is so difficult for me. To keep a positive perspective here is a list of the challenges I took:
Things that I conquered this past year:
Wearing knee-high boots
Wearing tank tops
Wearing a tankini
Wearing red lipstick
Going to a Zumba class
Running at the gym
Running for a bus
Taking full body pictures
I’m sure there are others but these stick out the most. None of this came easy. For instance, the day I wore batman leggings. I felt like such a fool going outside in these pants. What was I thinking? Batman leggings are clearly for people with thin legs. People will laugh at me and point! I must have asked my boyfriend a hundred times if I looked stupid or should I change. It is so hard to be me sometimes! Why must I put stock in the opinion of strangers! Why can’t I just walk out the door with my head held high like, “Yeah that’s right I’m wearing batman leggings and what is it to you?”
It took half the day for me to get comfortable and stop looking at people to see if they were looking at me. You see pictures of me and I am smiling but in my head is a whole other circus! I still have many other ridiculous fears I need to squash! In time I will and negative comments will roll off my back.
That is what we need to ultimately learn. Society can’t be changed. There will always be someone who has something negative to say. What we can change is how we perceive it. Grow a thicker skin. Once they see their negativity no longer affects us maybe then it will go away. Either way we shouldn’t care! Do you!