Hello, my name is Stephanie and… I… love clothes. Clothes are awesome! I love to experiment with different styles and colors. You could change your look on the daily if you wanted too! It is something that I have really gotten into in the past year. But why the sudden interest in stuffing my closets?
The inspiration for this post is an off-shoot of Tuesday’s why I became attached to an abuser. As I write I seem to be remembering things. Through my exploration of my surface feelings other stuff is being pulled up from the dark spaces of my brain. For instance, when I spoke about my clothing and how it would almost always end in their destruction… it got me thinking.
When I moved out of my parents house I didn’t take much in terms of clothing. I had enough to wear for a week or two. I would often repeat the same pants multiple times a week. I’d wear the same black cardigan over a handful of tanks. I’d have a few nice shirts at any given time. There was nothing really standout. Dark colors were my friend. Well black… black was my friend. Everyone else was an acquaintance. I just didn’t have much. I was ashamed of myself. I had no self-esteem. The majority of the time I wore clothes that made me feel hidden and out of sight. I was an embarrassment after all. Not worthy to be seen out in public with.
*I want to note here there is nothing wrong with wearing the same pants more than once a week… I still do this… certainly saves on laundry.*
Anywho… You know those rubber bins that you use for storage? That is where I kept my clothes. In a rubber bin in the living room hall closet. I didn’t have drawer or closet space. That was all his. This is a fact I just remembered last night. See what I mean about memories resurfacing? I suppose that is all part of the healing process. At least this memory didn’t trigger tears and anxiety!
Money was also scarce. When I got paid my entire minuscule paycheck went straight to him to control where it needed to go. It rarely went to anything I needed. I’d be lucky to afford a metro card for the buses… which meant I talked many a driver into giving me free rides. One driver took that as an invitation to flirt with me… I was in a dark place so… well it worked.
Let’s add it up:
Lack of self-confidence + no money + nothing of mine being safe + no place to really put them = I didn’t care much for clothes.
So let’s look at where I am now:
Increased self-esteem + control over my money + full-time job + having my own room with access to closets and drawers (even though I am still living at home) + my stuff is safe
No wonder I have been on a clothes buying spree!
- It’s something I have never been able to do before
- Once I got a taste for the way clothes can make you look and feel I want to keep that high going
Clothes have this wonderfully powerful way of affecting my moods. They can either make me feel awesome or like a mess. Today? I feel like a mess! It’s not that I don’t like what I am wearing… it’s just my bra… it’s poking me… I can’t wait to get home and throw it off.
Not only has my closet expanded in clothes… the types of clothes have also varies a great deal. Like I mentioned in a previous post, Mental Barriers, anything that showed skin was a no no. I hated my legs and my arms. They must remain hidden from the world!
Opps sorry old mentality!
I’m the proud owner of over 10 dresses and skirts, 3 pairs of shorts, 4 bathing suits. My favorite thing to wear has become dresses. I’m obsessed with them! Red is now becoming one of my favorite colors. Prints, if I like them, are no longer scary. Leggings are AMAZING. I have free range of motion and I’m comfortable. I just bought my first pair of jeggings last week and I need them now in every color!
I… can’t… stop… shopping… help me!
Torrid is my biggest offender. Their clothes started me on this self exploration journey through what I wear. They make me feel sexy and powerful! They are constantly sending me coupons in the mail. I never pay full price for anything. I get those deals down to the bare minimums they want you to spend.
I also love Lane Bryant, ASOS, and Fashion to Figure. Point me in the direction of recommended shops and I’ll check it out.
Also… I… love… coupons!
It’s a good thing I’m too scared to have foot surgery. I have a bone spur on the top of my left big toe that makes it nearly impossible to wear any kind of cute shoes with heels over 2.5 inches. I bought a pair of sneaker wedges at 3.5 and that was pushing it. My foot was killing me by the end of the day. Once I get that surgery shoes might become a thing as well.
There you go mom, dad, sister, and brother. These are the reasons I often have something in the mail!