Throwback Thursday: Closet memories

Hello, my name is Stephanie and… I… love clothes. Clothes are awesome! I love to experiment with different styles and colors.  You could change your look on the daily if you wanted too! It is something that I have really gotten into in the past year. But why the sudden interest in stuffing my closets?

The inspiration for this post is an off-shoot of Tuesday’s why I became attached to an abuser. As I write I seem to be remembering things. Through my exploration of my surface feelings other stuff is being pulled up from the dark spaces of my brain. For instance, when I spoke about my clothing and how it would almost always end in their destruction… it got me thinking.

When I moved out of my parents house I didn’t take much in terms of clothing. I had enough to wear for a week or two. I would often repeat the same pants multiple times a week. I’d wear the same black cardigan over a handful of tanks. I’d have a few nice shirts at any given time.  There was nothing really standout. Dark colors were my friend. Well black… black was my friend. Everyone else was an acquaintance. I just didn’t have much. I was ashamed of myself. I had no self-esteem. The majority of the time I wore clothes that made me feel hidden and out of sight. I was an embarrassment after all. Not worthy to be seen out in public with.

*I want to note here there is nothing wrong with wearing the same pants more than once a week… I still do this… certainly saves on laundry.*

Anywho… You know those rubber bins that you use for storage? That is where I kept my clothes. In a rubber bin in the living room hall closet. I didn’t have drawer or closet space. That was all his. This is a fact I just remembered last night. See what I mean about memories resurfacing? I suppose that is all part of the healing process. At least this memory didn’t trigger tears and anxiety!

Money was also scarce. When I got paid my entire minuscule paycheck went straight to him to control where it needed to go. It rarely went to anything I needed. I’d be lucky to afford a metro card for the buses… which meant I talked many a driver into giving me free rides. One driver took that as an invitation to flirt with me… I was in a dark place so… well it worked.

Let’s add it up:

Lack of self-confidence + no money + nothing of mine being safe + no place to really put them = I didn’t care much for clothes.

So let’s look at where I am now:

Increased self-esteem + control over my money + full-time job + having my own room with access to closets and drawers (even though I am still living at home) + my stuff is safe

No wonder I have been on a clothes buying spree!

  1. It’s something I have never been able to do before
  2. Once I got a taste for the way clothes can make you look and feel I want to keep that high going

Clothes have this wonderfully powerful way of affecting my moods.  They can either make me feel awesome or like a mess. Today? I feel like a mess! It’s not that I don’t like what I am wearing… it’s just my bra… it’s poking me… I can’t wait to get home and throw it off.

I digress.

Not only has my closet expanded in clothes… the types of clothes have also varies a great deal. Like I mentioned in a previous post, Mental Barriers, anything that showed skin was a no no. I hated my legs and my arms. They must remain hidden from the world!

Opps sorry old mentality!

I’m the proud owner of over 10 dresses and skirts, 3 pairs of shorts, 4 bathing suits.  My favorite thing to wear has become dresses. I’m obsessed with them! Red is now becoming one of my favorite colors. Prints, if I like them, are no longer scary.  Leggings are AMAZING. I have free range of motion and I’m comfortable. I just bought my first pair of jeggings last week and I need them now in every color!

I… can’t… stop… shopping… help me!

Torrid is my biggest offender. Their clothes started me on this self exploration journey through what I wear. They make me feel sexy and powerful! They are constantly sending me coupons in the mail. I never pay full price for anything.  I get those deals down to the bare minimums they want you to spend.

I also love Lane Bryant, ASOS, and Fashion to Figure.  Point me in the direction of recommended shops and I’ll check it out.

Also… I… love… coupons!



Closet right side


Closet left top


Closet left bottom

It’s a good thing I’m too scared to have foot surgery.  I have a bone spur on the top of my left big toe that makes it nearly impossible to wear any kind of cute shoes with heels over 2.5 inches. I bought a pair of sneaker wedges at 3.5 and that was pushing it.  My foot was killing me by the end of the day. Once I get that surgery shoes might become a thing as well.

There you go mom, dad, sister, and brother.  These are the reasons I often have something in the mail!



3 thoughts on “Throwback Thursday: Closet memories

  1. At least 90% of my wardrobe is black. I can’t help myself… it’s my favorite color and has been since I was about 12. Whenever I try to inject some color, that garment ends up in the back of the closet it the bottom drawer and I never wear it… so lesson learned — black it is! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I went through something similar…I have tons of clothes now. Part of it is instant gratification, to be honest…but part of it is because I can buy anything I want to wear and only have to answer to myself. Expensive, but freeing.


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