Throwback Thursday: Closet memories

Hello, my name is Stephanie and… I… love clothes. Clothes are awesome! I love to experiment with different styles and colors.  You could change your look on the daily if you wanted too! It is something that I have really gotten into in the past year. But why the sudden interest in stuffing my closets?

The inspiration for this post is an off-shoot of Tuesday’s why I became attached to an abuser. As I write I seem to be remembering things. Through my exploration of my surface feelings other stuff is being pulled up from the dark spaces of my brain. For instance, when I spoke about my clothing and how it would almost always end in their destruction… it got me thinking.

When I moved out of my parents house I didn’t take much in terms of clothing. I had enough to wear for a week or two. I would often repeat the same pants multiple times a week. I’d wear the same black cardigan over a handful of tanks. I’d have a few nice shirts at any given time.  There was nothing really standout. Dark colors were my friend. Well black… black was my friend. Everyone else was an acquaintance. I just didn’t have much. I was ashamed of myself. I had no self-esteem. The majority of the time I wore clothes that made me feel hidden and out of sight. I was an embarrassment after all. Not worthy to be seen out in public with.

*I want to note here there is nothing wrong with wearing the same pants more than once a week… I still do this… certainly saves on laundry.*

Anywho… You know those rubber bins that you use for storage? That is where I kept my clothes. In a rubber bin in the living room hall closet. I didn’t have drawer or closet space. That was all his. This is a fact I just remembered last night. See what I mean about memories resurfacing? I suppose that is all part of the healing process. At least this memory didn’t trigger tears and anxiety!

Money was also scarce. When I got paid my entire minuscule paycheck went straight to him to control where it needed to go. It rarely went to anything I needed. I’d be lucky to afford a metro card for the buses… which meant I talked many a driver into giving me free rides. One driver took that as an invitation to flirt with me… I was in a dark place so… well it worked.

Let’s add it up:

Lack of self-confidence + no money + nothing of mine being safe + no place to really put them = I didn’t care much for clothes.

So let’s look at where I am now:

Increased self-esteem + control over my money + full-time job + having my own room with access to closets and drawers (even though I am still living at home) + my stuff is safe

No wonder I have been on a clothes buying spree!

  1. It’s something I have never been able to do before
  2. Once I got a taste for the way clothes can make you look and feel I want to keep that high going

Clothes have this wonderfully powerful way of affecting my moods.  They can either make me feel awesome or like a mess. Today? I feel like a mess! It’s not that I don’t like what I am wearing… it’s just my bra… it’s poking me… I can’t wait to get home and throw it off.

I digress.

Not only has my closet expanded in clothes… the types of clothes have also varies a great deal. Like I mentioned in a previous post, Mental Barriers, anything that showed skin was a no no. I hated my legs and my arms. They must remain hidden from the world!

Opps sorry old mentality!

I’m the proud owner of over 10 dresses and skirts, 3 pairs of shorts, 4 bathing suits.  My favorite thing to wear has become dresses. I’m obsessed with them! Red is now becoming one of my favorite colors. Prints, if I like them, are no longer scary.  Leggings are AMAZING. I have free range of motion and I’m comfortable. I just bought my first pair of jeggings last week and I need them now in every color!

I… can’t… stop… shopping… help me!

Torrid is my biggest offender. Their clothes started me on this self exploration journey through what I wear. They make me feel sexy and powerful! They are constantly sending me coupons in the mail. I never pay full price for anything.  I get those deals down to the bare minimums they want you to spend.

I also love Lane Bryant, ASOS, and Fashion to Figure.  Point me in the direction of recommended shops and I’ll check it out.

Also… I… love… coupons!

 

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Closet right side

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Closet left top

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Closet left bottom

It’s a good thing I’m too scared to have foot surgery.  I have a bone spur on the top of my left big toe that makes it nearly impossible to wear any kind of cute shoes with heels over 2.5 inches. I bought a pair of sneaker wedges at 3.5 and that was pushing it.  My foot was killing me by the end of the day. Once I get that surgery shoes might become a thing as well.

There you go mom, dad, sister, and brother.  These are the reasons I often have something in the mail!

 

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3 thoughts on “Throwback Thursday: Closet memories

  1. At least 90% of my wardrobe is black. I can’t help myself… it’s my favorite color and has been since I was about 12. Whenever I try to inject some color, that garment ends up in the back of the closet it the bottom drawer and I never wear it… so lesson learned — black it is! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I went through something similar…I have tons of clothes now. Part of it is instant gratification, to be honest…but part of it is because I can buy anything I want to wear and only have to answer to myself. Expensive, but freeing.

    Like

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