Stop the self-hate crimes!

I’m feeling weakness in my self-esteem this week. Yesterday I had a relapse of self and found words coming out of my mouth that I thought were long forgotten.

My day started great. Woke up to the smiling face of the man I love and headed off to work at a place I don’t.  Yesterday was a mentally tough day for me. From the commute to work till the time I got home.

The commute: I DISLIKE big bulky jackets. They make me feel huge and like I am taking up more space than I really am. I know I shouldn’t apologize for that as I am allowed to take up space… but when you’re on crowded buses it just doesn’t make me feel good about myself. As hard as I try to keep that “I don’t give a f*** attitude” going… sometimes it’s hard to do.

The work environment: At the moment it is a bit hostile… but I’ll happily be changing offices soon. It’s a bit akin to emotional abuse by a person I work with.  The build-up over the last two weeks finally broke me and I was resorted to tears by 9:30 AM. For me tears happen not only when I am sad but when I am stressed or angry.  I cried because it was hurting so bad to hold back my tongue. It is my body’s way of releasing the pain and I usually feel good afterwards. However, yesterday was so busy at work I didn’t get a chance to breath. I ended up having to go home early due to dizziness and nausea.

Home: I was greeted by my haute cash order from Torrid and an awesome shirt from Tee Turtle with the hopes of that cheering me up.

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Tee Turtle shirt 🙂

After I ate dinner and vented to my parents, and before I called my boyfriend and vented to him, I opened the package and tried on my new acquisitions. One of the items was a bikini top. A beautiful bright red twist front bikini top. I love it… when I am looking at it in my hands. When I put it on it fit. Fit awesome! Fantastic support! Looks great with my hair!

Then it happened… self doubt came creeping in.  How am I going to wear this on the beach? I might as well walk around outside in my bra! What is the difference anyway. People are going to stare at me and laugh. You can see all my back rolls. I started trying to pose in certain positions where I would look most flattering… as if I was trying to hide my fat.  You can’t hide your fat… no matter how hard I try to suck it in or lay a certain way. It’s here… it’s there… it’s everywhere!!! People will see it… and I will be miserable on the beach unsuccessfully trying to hide it instead of not caring and having fun with my friends.

Then I said it… maybe by summer I’ll lose some weight and then I can wear it. Darn it where did that come from! Why! After all the progress I made. I felt sad. I felt like a failure to my body positive cause. I hope I can muster up the courage by summer to wear it loud and proud… weight loss or no weight loss… because we don’t have to apologize for our size. That is something I learned from the book Fat!So?  by Marilyn Wann.

Do unto yourself as you would do unto others- Marilyn Wann

This is a great book and a quick fun read. She combines humor with facts about being a fat person in today’s society. She also shares blurbs written by others who worked their way to the body positive life. It was an inspiration read to say the least. One of the many things she discusses in the book is the concept of “self-hate” crimes. She speaks about the nagging internal voice that says things about our bodies that we would (should) never tolerate from anyone else.

I never thoughts about negative talk like that before and it was intriguing. She asks you to ask yourself the following questions:

  1. Would you take this kind of treatment from anyone else?
  2. Would I treat another human being the way I am treating myself right now?

For the first question, if I am being honest with myself, yes. Yes I have taken this kind of treatment from other people. I grew up allowing the opinions of others to influence my own thoughts. Especially my ex-boyfriend. Would I take this kind of treatment now? The best answer I can give you is I try not too. I am mostly successful. I’m pretty good at doing what I want and wearing what I want and not caring… but a bikini… the thought makes me kinda nervous… but it is a fear I want to conquer so I will not return the top. What gives me hope is the support of the people I surround myself with.

The second question receives a resounding NO! I would never repeat to someone else the bad things I say to myself. I like to uplift people and when I compliment you I am being genuine. I hope everyone who knows me knows that. So if I wouldn’t treat others in negative manner why do I allow my inner voice to be so mean! Because no one is perfect. We have our good and bad days. I guess retail therapy wasn’t enough to cheer me up yesterday.  Maybe I will try on the top once a week until summer. Get comfortable being in it.

What do you do to stop the negative self-talk?

 

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30 thoughts on “Stop the self-hate crimes!

  1. Just remember what u accomplished there yr old relationship and continuing to do what u r doing because once u get to where u want to get to face that person and just smile because that is what going to kill them u r beautiful. N u r moving up f…., that person they mean nothing it’s all jealousy. U got something that don’t have Just look in a mirror n look around to see what u have now. Because that’s all that matters. Do u need me to put this person in its place

    Liked by 1 person

  2. First of all, I’m really glad you’re getting out of that toxic work environment. I’m not able to get out of mine so soon, but I KNOW you’ll feel better and more confident once you’re away from that sort of abusive behavior. Try to keep your head up as much as you can until then. Focus on getting out and taking care of yourself. Beating yourself up for having a not-so-confident moment isn’t going to help anyone! Do something that makes you happy, listen to music you love and spend time with people that love and appreciate you. You’ll get past this. ❤

    Side note: "Do unto yourself as you would do unto others"- Marilyn Wann
    PERFECTION. I LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS QUOTE! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I love this! What a great, easy way to remind yourself to be kinder to your #1! It’s all too easy to speak badly to yourself, but a lot harder to be kind. Yet, most of us wouldn’t even THINK of speaking to others how we speak to ourselves! Interesting!!

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  4. I think we all have those insecurities about ourselves no matter what size we are – wearing certain clothes can makes us feel so uncomfortable! But I think it’s good that you noticed in yourself the self-doubt and can move past it now. It’s hard. I don’t think I could ever buy a bikini to wear to the beach. I don’t even have a bathing suit! I can’t get over how I feel in one. I’ve had tankinis before, but still very uncomfortable. What I like to tell myself is that, these people will see you for 1 day. Probably only for a few minutes and then pass right by you. You get to see you every day, and if you feel awesome in it (like it sounds like you did!!) then embrace it! Love it!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. This is beautiful, and you should feel so proud of yourself for recognizing and persevering. And thank you for putting this out there. For people like me who really fucking needed to read this today. I hate talk myself so much. Look myself over in the mirror and say all the hateful things I’ve been taught to say and completely internalized. And I’m fighting so hard to stop it. Thank you for the reminder.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. You’re only human, and we all have bad days. When mine come along I remind myself how far I’ve come; I used to feel like this every single day of my life and I never even realised, but now it’s such a rare occurrence, I actually notice when it happens.

    And speaking as someone who already slayed the bikini demon – just stuff down that negative voice and wear it. You will ROCK IT!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I think the problem is that we’ll always feel a little self conscious, especially on our bad days. If everything else is going wrong it’s even harder to remain positive.
    That two question approach is a great idea though, and I think the important thing to try and do is remember to look at the good stuff and be positive. Not always easy I know.
    We’re always harder on ourselves than anyone else will be. I think often the negatives we see in the mirror are in our minds and we blow them out of proportion. I’m sure your partner will think you look great in the bikini top.
    Don’t let one bad day spoil everything. Sometimes you get knocked down. But it doesn’t matter if you get back up.
    Cool shirt BTW.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Honestly, I’ve found that for me, the best way to stop the self talk is to delve down into my subconscious where it’s coming from and find out where it came from in the first place. Then heal it. I’ve learned that my negative self talk often wasn’t even my own voice to begin with; I picked up a belief from my mother when I was very little. A few times, I’ve learned that I created a belief in an attempt to make sense of a situation that didn’t make sense at the time (at a time when I was very young), and as that belief has stayed with me, it pops up now and then as what looks like “self-talk.” The best way to heal your self-talk is to find a way to access that subconscious programming. For some, meditation is great. For others Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), which also goes by the name Tapping works wonders. For me, I work with a soul directed hypnotherapist, who helps me quiet my monkey mind and allows me access to my subconscious. My journey using this methodology is incredible. Check out Tapping on Youtube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfZBHWSbrsg . Until people understand that negative self-talk is merely subconscious programming that you can’t “will” your way out of, it will come back repeatedly until you change internally.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. This is such a necessary post. I mean we all have days when we hate our bodies. I like you for the most part try and big myself up when I can but doubt does creep in. Voicing it like you have and labelling it and asking questions if we should accept it or not is wonderful Challenge my perspective any day 🙂 You sound so excited about your red bikini -don’t let it stop you from having an awesome holiday -please! x

    Like

  10. I hear that with the jackets – boy do I ever. A few years ago I went on a winter trip and, in preparation, splurged on one of those full-length LLBean down coats. OMG I seriously looked like a Michelin woman – I felt so hideous. But the upside was that while all the other girls in their skimpy coats froze their tiny butts off, I was laughing all the way to a toasty, comfortable vacation :))

    Like

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