I’m feeling weakness in my self-esteem this week. Yesterday I had a relapse of self and found words coming out of my mouth that I thought were long forgotten.
My day started great. Woke up to the smiling face of the man I love and headed off to work at a place I don’t. Yesterday was a mentally tough day for me. From the commute to work till the time I got home.
The commute: I DISLIKE big bulky jackets. They make me feel huge and like I am taking up more space than I really am. I know I shouldn’t apologize for that as I am allowed to take up space… but when you’re on crowded buses it just doesn’t make me feel good about myself. As hard as I try to keep that “I don’t give a f*** attitude” going… sometimes it’s hard to do.
The work environment: At the moment it is a bit hostile… but I’ll happily be changing offices soon. It’s a bit akin to emotional abuse by a person I work with. The build-up over the last two weeks finally broke me and I was resorted to tears by 9:30 AM. For me tears happen not only when I am sad but when I am stressed or angry. I cried because it was hurting so bad to hold back my tongue. It is my body’s way of releasing the pain and I usually feel good afterwards. However, yesterday was so busy at work I didn’t get a chance to breath. I ended up having to go home early due to dizziness and nausea.
Home: I was greeted by my haute cash order from Torrid and an awesome shirt from Tee Turtle with the hopes of that cheering me up.
After I ate dinner and vented to my parents, and before I called my boyfriend and vented to him, I opened the package and tried on my new acquisitions. One of the items was a bikini top. A beautiful bright red twist front bikini top. I love it… when I am looking at it in my hands. When I put it on it fit. Fit awesome! Fantastic support! Looks great with my hair!
Then it happened… self doubt came creeping in. How am I going to wear this on the beach? I might as well walk around outside in my bra! What is the difference anyway. People are going to stare at me and laugh. You can see all my back rolls. I started trying to pose in certain positions where I would look most flattering… as if I was trying to hide my fat. You can’t hide your fat… no matter how hard I try to suck it in or lay a certain way. It’s here… it’s there… it’s everywhere!!! People will see it… and I will be miserable on the beach unsuccessfully trying to hide it instead of not caring and having fun with my friends.
Then I said it… maybe by summer I’ll lose some weight and then I can wear it. Darn it where did that come from! Why! After all the progress I made. I felt sad. I felt like a failure to my body positive cause. I hope I can muster up the courage by summer to wear it loud and proud… weight loss or no weight loss… because we don’t have to apologize for our size. That is something I learned from the book Fat!So? by Marilyn Wann.
Do unto yourself as you would do unto others- Marilyn Wann
This is a great book and a quick fun read. She combines humor with facts about being a fat person in today’s society. She also shares blurbs written by others who worked their way to the body positive life. It was an inspiration read to say the least. One of the many things she discusses in the book is the concept of “self-hate” crimes. She speaks about the nagging internal voice that says things about our bodies that we would (should) never tolerate from anyone else.
I never thoughts about negative talk like that before and it was intriguing. She asks you to ask yourself the following questions:
- Would you take this kind of treatment from anyone else?
- Would I treat another human being the way I am treating myself right now?
For the first question, if I am being honest with myself, yes. Yes I have taken this kind of treatment from other people. I grew up allowing the opinions of others to influence my own thoughts. Especially my ex-boyfriend. Would I take this kind of treatment now? The best answer I can give you is I try not too. I am mostly successful. I’m pretty good at doing what I want and wearing what I want and not caring… but a bikini… the thought makes me kinda nervous… but it is a fear I want to conquer so I will not return the top. What gives me hope is the support of the people I surround myself with.
The second question receives a resounding NO! I would never repeat to someone else the bad things I say to myself. I like to uplift people and when I compliment you I am being genuine. I hope everyone who knows me knows that. So if I wouldn’t treat others in negative manner why do I allow my inner voice to be so mean! Because no one is perfect. We have our good and bad days. I guess retail therapy wasn’t enough to cheer me up yesterday. Maybe I will try on the top once a week until summer. Get comfortable being in it.
What do you do to stop the negative self-talk?