Feeling the need to explain yourself…

One of the fantastic opportunities in starting a new job was being able to be in a place surrounded by people who knew nothing of my past.  I can walk into work wearing pink leggings or a dress and to them this is just who I’ve always been. Never mind all the work it took to get to that point. All the growing done over the past two years. All the happy changes that have come my way.

As far as these new people knew I’m a bubbly happy woman who likes to wear a wide range of clothing without a care in the world what you think about her.

Just a few examples…

But gosh darn it my buttons were pushed and pushed and pushed until the inevitable happened…

I explained myself 😦

For those who know me know the story with my feelings for one of my coworkers. While I will not divulge the finite details here I will tell you how it caused me to feel the need to commit the bad deed. I’m not happy with myself. I dislike this need I have to tell people why I react to situations the way I do. Is it really their business? No not really.

The short of it… I am sensitive to situations that I interpret as abusive and that is exactly how this particular situation has played out. Whether they realize it or not this coworker has abusive behaviors and I no longer like to put up with such situations so I spoke up.

When my boss tried to point out I may be too sensitive I broke down. I told her that maybe or maybe not but I was abused for 12 years by one man and 5 months by another so when I feel like I am in an abusive situation I react to it.

What am I interpreting as abusive? Being bossed around by someone who is not my boss, being put in situations that make it difficult for me to do my job, being told what to do while they can do whatever they want, and being given an attitude for doing absolutely nothing to warrant one because I am probably one of the most easiest people to get along with… to the point where some might call me a push over.

What did she consider me being sensitive about? My heater. One day last week there was a power outage in the office. My coworker has her own private microwave, fridge and printer under her desk. When the microwave was turned on the power blew. This happened only because a part-timer in the room also had a heater on.

*side note here… we have heaters because said coworker has control over the heat in the room and they don’t like it on as they can’t stand to be hot… )

This part-timer only works a few months a year so normally it is no big deal if it is just the two of us using the power. I’ll turn my heater off when I hear the microwave go on but because of the extra heater the power went off immediately. So it gets fixed the next day and she sends us an email saying that we can’t use our heaters because they cause power outages…. well that isn’t going to happen as I can’t work with blue and purple fingers! Why must I work cold while you have all the comforts of home hooked up at your desk?

*another side note… there is a common area with a microwave and fridge in the room… you don’t need your own…

So I spoke with our boss about it… was I being sensitive? I really don’t think so and that comment just banged that nail into the coffin and I said what I said about my past abuse. I mean all they have to do is say “Hey I’m going to use my microwave can you turn the heater off”… but communication is not their thing…

*last side note… I asked my boss at the end of it if she was mad at me because well that is also a thing of mine… along with apologizing (which I did 5 times)… but she said no there hasn’t been a single day that I have been here where she has been mad at me and that I am a great worker that they are lucky to have.

Man when I relapse I relapse hard!!

I will say one thing though… my past has taught me that I no longer will take crap from anyone. I’m just not sure how I feel about the fact that I felt the need to explain myself. It was a nice 8 month run of not having too!

Anyone else do this?

Daily prompt: Inevitable

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9 thoughts on “Feeling the need to explain yourself…

  1. Hey Stephiann. I too always feel like to apologise for being me. Isn’t it crazy. There are so many idiots out there who have such a high sense of self-entitlement and then there are lovely people like us. Sensitive and with a good heart apologising for. I too have been in abusive relationships and I don’t think you are being overly sensitive. Abuse takes many forms and they all leave you feeling crap about yourself. I’m so glad you are in a place where you can start over. I too am on a journey of not working against myself and relieving in my rightful place in society too. Some day are good and the others a dire. Us girls need to stick together 🙂 x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m electricity-stupid and even *I* know that the sudden power pull is what’s blowing the fuse! I think you have to speak up because some people are really egocentric and completely oblivious to their impacts on others! Kudos to you for doing so. Blue fingers unite!!

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  3. I know that this sounds easy and it is the hardest thing in the world, but be yourself, no one else can do it but you. God made you you. If you are not you, you are not doing your heavenly job. Act as you are imperfect walking in God’s grace. So when you make mistakes or react to an abusive moment, know that God is covering all your foibles. You are great just the way you are.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Pingback: Cinderelly, Cinderelly, Night and day it’s Cinderelly!

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