This past Monday I had an appointment with my therapist and we spoke about the yelling outside in the middle of the night incident that happened last week. I told her about my reactions to it and how I am absolutely tired of these flashbacks and countless bad dreams. She suggested that I pick a memory and write about it over and over again until I become desensitized to it. I will dedicate this homework to the throwback Thursday edition of my blog. Continue reading
I am a grain
Small piece of amazing
That grew through the rain
With a path that is blazing
The soul remained feisty
And now I am mighty
I don’t know if anyone noticed but I was having an aggravating day yesterday. It takes me sometime to come down from it. I started by eating cheese and crackers when I got home. I know I am pretty much a mouse and I love a good fresh mozzarella! Then I put on the television and caught up on the last 5 episodes of Supernatural. Anyone watch this show? Crazy stuff! Finally my boyfriend came home and I vented about my day as we ate dinner and watched Bob’s Burgers. I then cuddled up into my happy place and tried to relax.
Even though my heart stopped racing I still felt a little anxious and kept taking deep breathes and releasing it. This helps a bit. It’s just the thought of coming back to the craziness had me in a twist! Anyhow, I keep hearing that mediation helps reduce stress and I believe it does I just fail to become regiment about it. I give up quickly because I can’t shut my brain off. So when I opened up my WordPress reader I came across this well put together blog post about meditation. It was just what I needed to read today and I am going to give meditation a serious look once more.
Meditation is kind of like fitness: it’s very difficult to explain how great it is to someone who doesn’t do it. Meditation can mean different things to different people. I think the best general definition is reigning in your thoughts in a way that brings your focus entirely to the present moment. What if there was something that could give you:
- Lower cortisol levels resulting in more weight loss
- Improved lung capacity.
- Lower blood pressure and fewer heart problems.
- Better communication between the two hemispheres of your brain.
- Increased creativity and willpower.
- Better sleep.
- Increased compassion.
- Less stress.
- Less fear.
- More focus.
- More calm.
and even more benefits for free! I could go on for thousands of words about all the wonderful things meditation can do for you, but if you’ve probably heard it all before. Here’s a list of 100 benefits of meditation if you’d like to start there.
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I’m putting words on paper because I am having a hard time communicating my thoughts today. I have switched phases a few times already and I am currently at wits end. It’s been rough. I am surrounded by many miserable people.
I started my day off as tired. I slept the whole bus ride and a bit on the subway. I stopped for my usual coffee and crappy breakfast and headed into work.
It is a slowish day so I opened my Facebook on my phone and saw an article Facebook Forced to Apologize After Banning Image of Plus-Size Model posted on a clothing resale group I am a part of. The article discusses how Facebook rejected an ad featuring a photo of model Tess Holliday in a two piece. Below are the rejection post and the photo being rejected.
I went from sleepy to enraged. I thought well here is what I will be blogging about. Facebook erratic censorship. Apparently this photo does not comply with their “Health and Fitness” policy… okay buy images of models with their bones sticking out is? Or images of abused animals and children? That’s okay? The Kardashians can parade around in their birthday suits but someone “undesirable” needs to be censored? I don’t care what your personal feelings are towards Tess Holliday this double standard needs to end. Not to mention… what about all the a-holes that comment rude and unnecessary remarks that if you report them they send you the “Thank you for taking the time to report something that you feel may violate our Community Standards. Reports like yours are an important part of making Facebook a safe and welcoming environment. We reviewed the comment you reported for harassment and found it doesn’t violate our Community Standards.”
Tell me how these are a “safe and welcoming environment”?
Facebook than reversed its position and apologized. Shocker!
Before I could form a more insightful post my rage switched from Facebook to work. I was pulled from my desk by another office secretary to inform me that there was talk about moving me temporarily to another office where the person in charge has abusive behavior… well you all know my background so this was a major no no for me! Plus quite frankly I am tired of being a ping pong! I went to talk to others who reassured me that if I set boundaries right away I will be talked to like a human. I have yet to be approached with the question so I love how my blood pressure was raised for NO DAM REASON!
Now I am anxious. My heart is beating pretty quickly and my hands are a tad shaky. I just want to go home and I am clock watching. I DREAD the commute as I am up to my limit on dealing with these crowds. My parents are on a lovely cruise and I desperately wish I was on one myself!
I can’t wait to get home and wrap myself in loving hugs. Welcome to the phases of my day.
Let me describe the scene for you…
This was my commute home today… hardly a space to breath. This is what was going through my head…
Why is there always a problem on the trains. I get out of work early and this is what I have to deal with. When the hell is this train ever this packed? Fuck I hate trains. Don’t put your arms up if you know you didn’t put some type of deodorant on. What the fuck is wrong with people. Why is this asshole in the blue shirt standing in my personal space. Does no one understand boundaries. I can’t breath. Okay five more stops to go. You did five. You can do five more. You got this. Omg. I can’t breath. The smell. So bad. Maybe everyone will get off the next stop. Oh holy hell no more just got on. Can’t they see there is no more standing room! I don’t get it. Why why why! Get me off this fucking train!
Finally gets off train and see line for the bus going down the block…
*Yes seems I love that f word… prefect sentence enhancer!
About two nights or so ago there was a disturbance in the force. Loud and I mean LOUD screaming was happening out on the street around 1ish in the morning. At first I thought I was having one of my nightmares about all the screaming I endured at similar hellish hours of the night. My body went cold and numb as I tried to wake myself up. Somewhere in the middle of being asleep and waking up I realized that the noise was coming from outside the window. Continue reading
I opened this blog back in October 2015 but didn’t write my introductory post until 3 weeks later. After joining a Blogging 101 course I wrote my first post, But let me first write an introduction. The title was a play on the song #Selfie… In case you didn’t pick up on that. My blog is now in its sixth month of activity and I never imaged it would go so well. The response from you my fellow readers and bloggers has been more than I ever thought it would be and I am grateful that you have continued with me on this journey of self-exploration. Continue reading