About the other night…

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About two nights or so ago there was a disturbance in the force. Loud and I mean LOUD screaming was happening out on the street around 1ish in the morning. At first I thought I was having one of my nightmares about all the screaming I endured at similar hellish hours of the night. My body went cold and numb as I tried to wake myself up. Somewhere in the middle of being asleep and waking up I realized that the noise was coming from outside the window.

I felt my boyfriend get out of bed and walk over to the window to look outside. In in fear I pushed out the words “don’t go near the window.” For whatever reason I thought the situation would continue to escalate. Usually loud insensible yelling can lead to more extreme violent outbursts. At least in my personal experience anger such as that meant anything goes. Little did I know in my catatonic state that people actually left their buildings to stand outside for front row viewing. One person, that I heard of, even called the cops.

After it calmed down or I just fell back to sleep, I don’t really remember, I had a bad dream. Yay! I love when that happens! I don’t remember all the details of it just that my ex showed up and I had a clear picture of his twisted angry face. Usually when I dream about him it’s about being dragged back into the twisted life we were leading. I recently found out that he married last year. I don’t care that he got married. Better her than me. But all the finger pointing at myself began again wondering why I got beat but this girl is okay. If I wasn’t so fat or if I wasn’t so poor, at the time, I wouldn’t have gotten the crap knocked out of me. She is skinnier so I bet he doesn’t treat her the same. She has a full time job so her arms, legs, back, shoulders, and head are free of contusions. I bet she doesn’t have to have mandatory weigh-ins when she wakes up and has to eat no more than 1000 calories a day. When they go out his face is free from cover because he is proud to have a skinny woman by his side.

I questioned the other day why did my path need to be so painful? I still get pains in my head and I am not sure if it is related to getting punched. However, despite all this I am happy now. I suppose all things happen for a reason.

My wonderful boyfriend was like give it time. Wait till she has a baby and gains weight his crazy will come out. He will start treating her the same because people like that don’t change. I love him so much! He deals with my PTSD like a champ! It is few and far in between and usually is triggers by things such as screaming in the street! Also read here.

However, I’m tired of it. I am tired of dreaming about people I don’t want to think about anymore. Why must they haunt me when I am trying to get my rest. I either dream about my abusive ex, the bus driver, and some other a-hole I never really talked about. I never dream about my second ex. My therapist says it’s because I actually confronted him. Who knows but I am over this. I hate waking up with that sick nauseating feeling in my stomach. How can I make it stop????

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6 thoughts on “About the other night…

  1. I’m sorry you had such a bad dream! I agree with your bf, that one day this guy’s crazy will eventually show itself to his new wife. And I’m sorry she’ll have to deal with it. I hope that when it happens, she will be strong enough to leave like you were. Although I hope it’s before they have children.

    I also think that maybe your therapist has a point (although I have no professional training AT ALL so don’t listen to me lol) Maybe you need to confront your ex. Not in person because that would be really dangerous and scary. But like put a pillow in a chair and pretend its him and just let it all out? That might work?

    When I have really bad dreams, I also fall back asleep praying. It calms my mind and gives me a restful sleep. 🙂

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  2. What a wonderfully supportive boyfriend you have! You are so lucky! It is so scary being woken up like that! I remember, a couple months ago, we were woken by loud gunshots. It was so disconcerting and confusing. When I finally fell back asleep, I had bad dreams too! I think that is totally normal. I hope when you woke up, you felt peace knowing you were with a supportive, safe person 🙂

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  3. You know from living a life with that guy that his new wife’s life isn’t like what you described at all. You can’t see what’s happening, but I’ll bet her experience is MUCH closer to your actual one.

    But you can’t save everyone. All you can do is save yourself.

    And yes, waking up with that sick feeling in your gut is not fun. But it beats not waking up at all. It’s a reminder of your strength and how far you’ve come.

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