When no one believes you

I feel compelled. No obligated to write something on the Amber Heard and Johnny Depp fiasco of a divorce. After all it is a purpose of mine to discuss my experiences with domestic abuse and share my insights and struggles with the aftermath.

With that said I’m not huge on following celebrity news but I heard snippets about a divorce between Johnny Depp and Amber Heard. The abuse allegations first came to my attention via WordPress. A blog I follow wrote an open letter to Johnny Depp and it threw me for a loop. I knew he was a hot headed person in his younger years, he destroyed a hotel room, but I never really thought he was an abusive man towards people. Then again he is a celebrity and I know nothing about his personal life. I only know I was a huge fan of his since I saw Benny and June on a field trip bus ride. I was one of many that had a crush on him until recent years. Now that is completely gone. I know even less about Amber Heard. I just know she is a young actress married to Depp.  What I do know is that I was once that girl no one believed. This post will focus on the aspect of this drama through the lens of “when no one believes you” because of who you are accusing.

This is the gist of what she is claiming.

In court papers, Heard details two other alleged domestic violence incidents. On April 21, she claims the actor, 52, argued with her after showing up at the end of her 30th birthday party “inebriated and high,” grabbed her by the hair and “violently shoved me to the floor.” On May 21, she states, Depp “began obsessing about something that was untrue” and hurled a cell phone at her, “striking my cheek and eye with great force.”

These are photos of the phone hurling aftermath.  Girl I been there. Phone. Hot food. Fists. I can go on.

Anyhow, I know she is an actress but does she have an accolades… Oscars… Emmy… Peoples choice… anything? I looked up her record on IMDB and all I saw was a bunch of “sexiest women” rankings and Zombieland… only movie I saw with her and I remember nothing of it.

Look at her face. She looks washed out. If she is lying give her an Oscar right now! To me this looks like the same face I used to walk around with. Tired. Disheveled. It’s all right there in her eyes. I know I am in the minority here but I believe her.

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The media brought up this photo that was taken a day later at a friend’s birthday party. She is smiling. Big deal! She is at her friends party and they were taking a picture. Smiling is something most people do. If you notice her hair is covering her bruise which is something you do when you don’t want it to show. Not to mention the huge bag under her eye. I see nothing wrong here that points to her being a liar.

Friends did I not smile in pictures? I sure did. Smile through the pain.

Here I am in pictures in midst of abuse and I am smiling! This attempt to call her a liar because she smiled at a birthday party does nothing for me. The second picture is in fact from a birthday party. I blocked out my friends faces for privacy reasons.

I am just dishearten, angry, and disgusted… do all those mean the same thing?… about the comments that I have read regarding Heard and her accusations of abuse. She is being called a gold digger, narcissist, liar and a slew of other bullshit commentary from people who hide behind their computers and think they know it all. The fact that they are celebrities, actors, whatever makes no dam difference because in the end they are still people. Whether or not what happened actually happened we cannot know because we weren’t there.

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However, abuse is not something you lie about. It is not a subject to take lightly.So why are people jumping to the conclusion that she is making it up?

It is because of who he is. He is Johnny Depp the lovable Pirate.

You know what though… abusers do not always wear a sign on their backs that says “I inflict physical and emotional harm on others.” In fact not all abuser come off as assholes to everyone they meet. Often times they only show their truest colors to the person they are currently abusing. This was my experience.

For more detail lets look at my handy dandy notebook It’s My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence by Meg Kennedy Dugan.

Part two chapter 11… The reaction of others.

This chapter is two fold for me and can be divided into two separate posts. For the purposes of this one I will highlight her differentiation of how people justify your abuse.

1. There will be those who denied the abuse. They may do this because they either did not believe the abuse was happening, would not accept how bad it really was, or were convinced such behavior was impossible.

The reasons for this reaction? She goes on to mention how abusers are very talented at hiding their controlling and abusive sides from others, including family members.

This is where I would put my family. I originally thought that they flat out just didn’t believe me but after reading this book I lean more towards they didn’t want to believe. Perhaps they didn’t want to accept that what I was saying was actually the truth because it didn’t make sense to them. After all until I moved in with my ex they pretty much all got along. He was quiet and “well behaved” member of the inner circle. He never displayed his asshole side to them until the end. At least this is what I justified in my head in order to forgive and move on. Cutting my family out of my life was not an option and, although getting back to feeling “normal” again has taken a while, I think we are all in a good place right now.

2.  Others may have justified your abusers actions relating to a tough childhood or trouble expressing their feelings.

This was something I heard from people here and there. They would mention things like he probably thinks there is nothing wrong with how he acts because of the way he was raised. He probably grew up in an abusive atmosphere. He thinks this is a normal way to treat your partner.

I call bullshit! Then again one day he threw a can at me and his mother said to me don’t talk he is upset. Really? How about say something to your son who just threw something at me. He even once shoved me into a wall in front of her and nothing!

3. Some people may have blamed you. They may say things like, “What did you do to cause such an outburst?” They would go on to tell your that relationships take work and to stick it out and try harder.

This one I can’t find a memory that relates. Nonetheless, I am sure people say this!

Fact of the matter is my abuser is a soft spoken, A student… although I helped a lot there…and loved by all who meet him. Students love him. Professors love him. My family did. Our mutual friends did. The only people not fond of him are my high school circle and the only people who I believe truly trusted what I was saying. They were frustrated that I was too afraid to leave and didn’t know how to handle me. Yet they were still supportive when I needed help. Solid to this day.

This brings me to my final point for today. The following is an expert regarding an 911 call about the dispute regarding the phone throwing.

An LAPD spokesperson told PEOPLE that officers responded to a 911 call but determined there was “no evidence of any crime” at the scene. In a statement Tuesday, Heard’s lawyers said she declined to make a statement to police at the time to “protect her privacy and Johnny’s career,” but plans to make one and “hopes to give the LAPD the opportunity to conduct an accurate and complete investigation.”

She declined to make a statement because she was protecting him and his career. I can relate to this. I understand the meaning behind this. I refused at the time to go to the cops or get a protection order because I didn’t want to ruin his reputation with other people. If anyone every called the cops on him, at the time, I would have turned them away. Now I’d say LOCK HIM UP! Unfortunately, where I lived no one cared to do that! I just wanted him to stop hurting me without me having to take the necessary steps to make it stop. Once again this is not proof that abuse did not happen.

People are so quick to not believe which makes it difficult for women to come forward and say “Hey I am being abused.” It is a shame that people are jumping on Heard and calling her a liar. They are in the middle of a divorce and because of their celebrity status it is very public. Abused women get divorced all the time and it is just as messy and difficult.

This took me two days to get out. I still didn’t get it all out as my thoughts are all over the place. I’ll end it here though because I think I got most of my opinion across.

Thoughts?

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11 thoughts on “When no one believes you

  1. This is such a brilliant post. It’s made me so angry this week to read all the comments directed towards her when those of us who’ve been there find the whole pattern way too familiar

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Great article. I think you are right on all counts. I think the photo of the bride and groom smiling to the camera while behind the scenes he is twisting her arm speaks volumes about the public face and the reality of abuse.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I too was the girl who no one believed because my abuser was charming and popular. Disgusting how society cares more about a mans reputation being wrongfully damaged than a woman actually being attacked. But the list of violent celebrities we keep forgiving “because we like them and they’d never do that” continues to grow.

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  4. A good blog. I have seen tons of pro-Depp stuff online and it is worrying. I wrote about the Kesha case a while ago and this dude did a response where he gave me shit about “innocent until proven guilty”.
    This has been trotted out for Depp too, and sure, legally that’s right. And the public shouldn’t lynch him. But it just seems that the accused is given this right while the victim is branded a liar with impunity. False reports are far less common than actual abuse, and yet Amber Heard, Kesha, the Narrow kid etc. Are all viewed as being possible liars right off the bat.
    I don’t want to rush to judgement on anyone, but I think when abuse is alleged you should always come at it from the believing the accuser and supporting them.
    You don’t punish the accused without trial, but you make damn sure the victim is safe and feels they are being believed and taken seriously.
    Sorry, rant over. Another great blog post

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  5. I had an example of number 3. Some people in my dance group asked why I would never dance with/speak to/look at this one guy in the group, and I told them it’s because he abused my best friend. Their very first response was “well, what did she do to cause that?”
    I wish I wish I wish I had called them out, but I was just so angry with them I could barely speak.
    Our society sucks.

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  6. Pingback: Out with the old: Happy New Year!

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