It was cold so cold. Snow was on the ground. I was being sent away. Again. I was riding a bus down to my parents house. Again. We needed money. Again. We never had enough money. Ever. My relationship with my parents was strained. I didn’t want to go. I hated asking for money. I was 30 years old. I felt inadequate. Stuck between a rock and a fist. A fist that waited for me to get back and I better not be empty handed. Again.
I didn’t go home. I transferred buses and went in a different direction. Scared, I was wondering what the hell I was going to do. How was I going to come up with the money we needed to feed him. Or to go to a movie because it was the only public place he can go with me that is dark enough that it would be okay to sit near me. By near me I mean one seat away. Never next to me. I don’t know why I had my cootie shot when I was in elementary school. I was clean. Oh right I was fat. Fat after all is embarrassing.
It didn’t matter. Money or not he was never satisfied. Getting money was only a band-aid. A temporary moment of relief until it ran out. It was year 11 of 12. All I was at this point was a source of income. No longer his girlfriend and just a roommate…in the apartment we spent our time in separate rooms. I slept on the couch. He slept in the bedroom. He put locks on the bedroom door and one of the hall closets. Only he had the key. All my clothes (all 10 things) were in the living room closet. He also put a camera on the table that faced the apartment door. That was more for the maintenance people and not me but he’d be able to see if I left the living room. If I had to pee I had to turn the camera to face the bedroom door. He was a paranoid monster.
So I rode that bus away from my parents house and towards the mall. I spent the time by myself in my thoughts. He called and messaged my phone numerous times but I was too afraid to answer. Too afraid to tell him that I didn’t get any money and that I didn’t even try. I was tired of it. Tired of it all. I needed a more permanent solution to my problem. I needed to leave but I couldn’t. Too afraid to talk to him and too afraid to leave. That girl I was at the time was such a wimp and weak.
So I sat in solitude at the mall for a couple hours until I hopped on the bus again heading towards my parents house. I didn’t know what I was going to say or do when I got there… but he had a habit of showing up places to make scenes… and since that was where I was suppose to be that is where I was heading.
Like predicted he arrived nearly the same time I did. I was walking towards the house when his car pulled into the development. I was freezing at this point and snow was falling. He made me get into the car. He asked where I was. I told him I went to hang out at the mall. I needed to be alone for a while and I didn’t think I was able to get any money anyway. He got super angry and sped off. We ended up driving over the bridge into the next state. He was yelling at me for not doing what he told me too. He took my glasses off my face, that were already broken and taped together from a previous incident, and threw them out the window and into the snow and kept driving. He then told me to get out of the car. I got out and began walking towards a 7-11 crying and freezing. He drove off but came back around yelling at me and told me to get back in the car. He took off my sneakers because he paid for them and threw them in a garbage can then drove off.
Blurred vision and shoeless I was sitting in the backseat of the car crying and apologizing for not getting money. He didn’t want to hear it. He rolled down all four windows of the car and drove fast all the way back to where we lived. I begged him to shut the windows. The air felt like sharp needles hitting at my exposed skin. My ears were beet red, my toes were frozen. Snow was coming into the vehicle. I was screaming for help but who can hear that on a highway? When we finally got home he locked himself in the room and I waited in fear in the living room until I felt it was safe enough to calm down.
I think back on that car ride now and wonder what the hell was he feeling? I guess he was so worked up the cold didn’t bother him. He finally closed the windows when I kept trying to open the door to jump out. I was not there yet though. He would have to completely break me down before I finally jumped out of a car. I’ll write about that later.