: to build (something) again after it has been damaged or destroyed
: to make important improvements or changes in (something)
Both of these definitions apply to me. I’ve been broken and damaged and I am actively working on fixing myself and making changes.
Today is something that some call “Transformation Tuesday” and I’d like to share with you the status of my rebuilding project.
On the left is a photo of me approximately five months after my split from my abuser. I gained 60 pounds and was at my heaviest. The photo on the right is me from this past Saturday. I see two different women. One was washed out and bogged down my extreme self-hate and one that is happy and loves herself.
This body positive life is a fine line to walk. Can you be both body positive and still want to lose weight? I think so but some communities do not. That is the crossroads I stand at. I love myself as I am but I still want to lose weight because I know for me I will feel better. Physically better.
I have problems with my back. I get a burning sensation in my lower back on the right side. It then shoots down my right leg. Sometimes I even get a numbing feeling in my lower right leg that makes walking up stairs a problem. I feel like it gives in under the pressure of holding up my body. This pain can be triggered by anything. Walking to long. Standing still too long. Walking too slow. Sitting too long. I’ve come to the conclusion that if I dropped some weight there will be less pressure on my back.
This is why I decided to give the gym one more go before I canceled my membership. Up until two weeks ago I was an honorary member of the gym. I paid my monthly fee and didn’t go. I want to get stronger and if skinnier is a outcome of that fine. I just want to be able to move about without pain. I want to plan outings without wondering if there will be seats for me to take a break to release the pressure in my back. I want to go places with people without being someone who stops the fun because she has to rest her back and stretch it out. Last year my boyfriend and I went to Comic Con, International Car Show, and walked the Brooklyn Bridge and every single time I had to make several stops because walking became too painful.
I will no longer let this happen. That is why I gym. That is why I want to drop weight. Not for appearances. I love myself as I am now even though it was hard to gain that level of self-acceptance. Shoo there are days I can’t stand to look in the mirror but I’m human. Some times I feel like an ugly lump. Other times I am a rock star! That’s life!
I have just convinced myself to take my lunch break and head over to the gym. I am starting week two round two! Wish me luck!
Couch 2 5K Challenge– UPDATED!