Seed of Embarrassment

I am happy to introduce my first contribution from the writer of the blog I will not live in vain.

This story comes from the perspective of a woman who was admired for her thinness and when she began to change she began to doubt her self worth and attractiveness. Through my experiences I understand how the attention of men correlates with your self-worth. I believe that certain types of men notice this in a woman and take advantage of it. There are two that I personally came across that fed off my low self-esteem and I’d be more than happy to share those stories at another time. It wouldn’t be until I met my boyfriend that I snapped out of that delusion. A man that makes you feel less is not a man worth having around and a man that builds you up is one you’ll never want to let go.

You are beautiful just the way you are 🙂

Guest spotlight begins…

The name of this site intrigued me when I clicked over to view it. “When I thought I was fat,” well I know I’ve said those words before.  I thought immediately of my now  “skinny” pic – my goal weight picture that I have as my phone screensaver to remind me to make good choices – was from 2008 when I thought I was fat, yet I had been in much better shape than I am now.

Pic.jpg

As I further read in the about section, the hostess also mentioned an abusive past and I further related to the site. So when I saw that she welcomed contributions I had no question in my mind that I must write my story for her.

I’ve had two abusive men in my life. The first was for two years when I was a young teen. I was stick thin and it wasn’t my beauty or figure he questioned.  He seemed to quite enjoy my figure as he regularly wanted to see it unclothed – so I can’t say that my lack of positive body image came from him. General self-doubt and loathing was a gift from him, however; as he was a well-rounded abuser – emotional, verbal, and physical in addition to the sexual. The emotional and verbal side of things had me losing my self-worth and confidence. It had me apologizing for my whoring ways, though I had never even looked twice at other boys.

As I got older, my self-image was wrapped up in the fact that I was thin and supposedly beautiful as he had said, or as my mother told me. So when I later started to gain weight, I started to feel like less. Like the real asset I thought I had was diminishing. Yet, even so I wasn’t confident in my looks per se… It was the thinness, the figure, really. … and I was losing it. I felt like hardly any guys were attracted to me, and the ones that were and/or became my boyfriends, well… I distrusted their genuine attraction or feelings for me. Even as my best friend said I had started to look healthier when I was 17 or 18, I felt all the more fat.

My second abuser was from when I was 25. We were friends for a few years beforehand. He was an attractive well fit specimen of a man – who I had heard call perfectly beautiful girls chubby or fat or not well suited to their clothes – I knew I wasn’t even as fit as them so I assumed he’d never have any interest in me, and it made me feel gross in his eyes. I was married regardless, so I hadn’t been looking for anything with him – but seeing how aggressive he could be with women made it seem safe to be friends with him. I was married, and I was fat. He would never want me anyway, right?

This is the time frame my “Skinny pic” is from. Now I wonder why the hell I thought that. Now I am much, much heavier and struggle with weight loss so much more.

This abuser did start to pursue me. This abuser made it clear he wanted to sleep with me. I was confused why he even wanted me – I was chubbier than the girl at the Halloween party that he called fat with a look of disgust on his face. This abuser got what he wanted and then tore down my self-image further by telling me I wasn’t even his “type.”

This was in between calls where he would drunkenly lament to me that I was married and we couldn’t be together (though I told him each time I didn’t want to have a relationship with him.) This was hours after he assaulted me in his car. This was shortly after the second attempt to get me in his bed.

These actions didn’t gel with his words, yet I still thought to myself I knew itI knew I was too unattractive / fat for him. I knew I shouldn’t have cared, but I did. My feelings were hurt and my deep down image issues were scarred once again.

Now I know better, but I still struggle with my weight and image confidence. I have gained much more weight, especially around my middle after having kids. I try to push it into my head that it is for my health that I am doing what I can to lose the weight, but deep down I still want to feel beautiful again and it’s hard when my self-image has for so long been wrapped up in my weight.

The man that said I wasn’t his type has since married two different women that have a similar look to me, so I now realize he was more likely trying to hurt me with those words. Either that or trying to make himself feel better, the jab at me being a bonus. That man later threatened my life and frankly he still scares me… But there is still a seed in me that would feel embarrassed if he showed up back in my life and I was this out of shape. What is wrong with me?

I can only put this thought process down to mechanisms of behaviour I’ve created from being in these abusive relationships.

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14 thoughts on “Seed of Embarrassment

  1. Crazy how much power outsiders have on us. As probably every woman I had my fair share with feeling uncomfortable with my body. I had one relationship where the guy told me that I might consider losing weight. I was the skinniest I’ve ever been in my life then. I got out of this relationship pretty quickly after this remark. I struggled before his remark. The guy I was with afterwards was totally different. He loved me and he loved my body. And he didn’t mind me putting on a little bit of weight (which was needed at this point). And yet, I still questioned if I’m thin enough, fit enough, pretty enough. It’s still the case although being married to a wonderful man for 15 years now. I think I could have the shape of an elephant and he would still find me beautiful and attractive. It’s all in our head though. And I believe it does not start with our first relationship or with a guys that are around us making comments at the time we are ready to date. It starts earlier. It starts when we are children. Watching our parents, the behavior of our mothers, people around us when we are little. It’s then when the first torpedo hits us and leaves it’s mark.

    In my case I do blame it on my mother. And yes, blame is the right word. It’s not the fact that she was constantly worried about her weight. It’s the fact that it was so obviously done in front of me. It’s the fact that she told me already when I was little that friends of mine were fat. She told me already then that I need to watch what I’m eating in order to not get fat. It was a constant “mind what you are eating”, “you might want to think again before eating this” and “if you continue eating like that you will gain a lot of weight”… I was eating healthy. She was feeding us healthy food. I did not eat a lot.

    I often wonder why I have never developed a serious eating disability. I really do. I have my struggles. I’ve spent the last 13 years chasing my pre-baby weight. Why? Just because I’m not comfortable with my weight. Not physically uncomfortable but mentally. And I tell you another thing: We visited my parents in Switzerland earlier this year after not having been back for 5 years. The first thing she said when I arrived after scanning me was “you gained a lot of weight…” No hello, no how are you, no it’s good to see you again or it’s good to finally have you here. Nope. And I was lighter then what I was when we last visited.

    So I know who “damaged” me. And I do my very best to not do the same thing to my daughter!

    Liked by 2 people

    • I can’t blame my mother really, but to a certain extent my body concerns can also find an influence from her as well… In as far as while I was growing up my mother was obese. More so than I am now (I do fall into that category – much to my annoyance that a nurse stated so to another nurse in my presence… that didn’t help either :/ ) I saw how unhappy my mother was with her weight and how she struggled for many many years trying to lose weight. My Grandmother also had a similar shape most of my youth. She did, however, always tell me I was beautiful, etc so it wasn’t a harping on me to keep weight off, but it all together made me scared that it would be genetic and I would one day end up like that… fat and unhappy like my mother. I am glad to say I do have a husband that is attracted to me even as I am… that’s a change as my dad treated my mother poorly/shamed her in part to do with her weight…

      I do try hard to avoid the fat self-shaming and unhappy with myself talk around my daughter though. I encourage her to eat healthy and do sport… telling her when I do my sports/exercise I am trying to be healthy. I have also had to redirect conversations when she talks about other girls saying stuff about others/herself being fat (she is not overweight… and she is only 7! Ah!!!!) So it definitely does come at us from all sides throughout our life… just some experiences influence us more than others.

      My body image suffered mostly because of the idea of what I should be for the men in my life, as warped as that may be.

      Liked by 2 people

    • I absolutely agree it can and does start in childhood. I wrote a bit on that with my grandmother (Throwback Thursday Grandma Double talk). I went on my first diet when I was like 13. That is the best we can do is learn to love ourselves and teach that self love to our children!

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I feel your pain i honestly do but the other day i heard a great quote from Lisa tukuest that went something like this. The numbers on the scale can measure your weight, but not your self worth. And this is true. Yo are beautiful. And i know there is a lot of dagger thee but you just have to find your beauty within and work on the inside out. And, know that booth of you are never alone

    Liked by 2 people

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