I am happy to introduce my first contribution from the writer of the blog I will not live in vain.
This story comes from the perspective of a woman who was admired for her thinness and when she began to change she began to doubt her self worth and attractiveness. Through my experiences I understand how the attention of men correlates with your self-worth. I believe that certain types of men notice this in a woman and take advantage of it. There are two that I personally came across that fed off my low self-esteem and I’d be more than happy to share those stories at another time. It wouldn’t be until I met my boyfriend that I snapped out of that delusion. A man that makes you feel less is not a man worth having around and a man that builds you up is one you’ll never want to let go.
You are beautiful just the way you are 🙂
Guest spotlight begins…
The name of this site intrigued me when I clicked over to view it. “When I thought I was fat,” well I know I’ve said those words before. I thought immediately of my now “skinny” pic – my goal weight picture that I have as my phone screensaver to remind me to make good choices – was from 2008 when I thought I was fat, yet I had been in much better shape than I am now.
As I further read in the about section, the hostess also mentioned an abusive past and I further related to the site. So when I saw that she welcomed contributions I had no question in my mind that I must write my story for her.
I’ve had two abusive men in my life. The first was for two years when I was a young teen. I was stick thin and it wasn’t my beauty or figure he questioned. He seemed to quite enjoy my figure as he regularly wanted to see it unclothed – so I can’t say that my lack of positive body image came from him. General self-doubt and loathing was a gift from him, however; as he was a well-rounded abuser – emotional, verbal, and physical in addition to the sexual. The emotional and verbal side of things had me losing my self-worth and confidence. It had me apologizing for my whoring ways, though I had never even looked twice at other boys.
As I got older, my self-image was wrapped up in the fact that I was thin and supposedly beautiful as he had said, or as my mother told me. So when I later started to gain weight, I started to feel like less. Like the real asset I thought I had was diminishing. Yet, even so I wasn’t confident in my looks per se… It was the thinness, the figure, really. … and I was losing it. I felt like hardly any guys were attracted to me, and the ones that were and/or became my boyfriends, well… I distrusted their genuine attraction or feelings for me. Even as my best friend said I had started to look healthier when I was 17 or 18, I felt all the more fat.
My second abuser was from when I was 25. We were friends for a few years beforehand. He was an attractive well fit specimen of a man – who I had heard call perfectly beautiful girls chubby or fat or not well suited to their clothes – I knew I wasn’t even as fit as them so I assumed he’d never have any interest in me, and it made me feel gross in his eyes. I was married regardless, so I hadn’t been looking for anything with him – but seeing how aggressive he could be with women made it seem safe to be friends with him. I was married, and I was fat. He would never want me anyway, right?
This is the time frame my “Skinny pic” is from. Now I wonder why the hell I thought that. Now I am much, much heavier and struggle with weight loss so much more.
This abuser did start to pursue me. This abuser made it clear he wanted to sleep with me. I was confused why he even wanted me – I was chubbier than the girl at the Halloween party that he called fat with a look of disgust on his face. This abuser got what he wanted and then tore down my self-image further by telling me I wasn’t even his “type.”
This was in between calls where he would drunkenly lament to me that I was married and we couldn’t be together (though I told him each time I didn’t want to have a relationship with him.) This was hours after he assaulted me in his car. This was shortly after the second attempt to get me in his bed.
These actions didn’t gel with his words, yet I still thought to myself I knew it… I knew I was too unattractive / fat for him. I knew I shouldn’t have cared, but I did. My feelings were hurt and my deep down image issues were scarred once again.
Now I know better, but I still struggle with my weight and image confidence. I have gained much more weight, especially around my middle after having kids. I try to push it into my head that it is for my health that I am doing what I can to lose the weight, but deep down I still want to feel beautiful again and it’s hard when my self-image has for so long been wrapped up in my weight.
The man that said I wasn’t his type has since married two different women that have a similar look to me, so I now realize he was more likely trying to hurt me with those words. Either that or trying to make himself feel better, the jab at me being a bonus. That man later threatened my life and frankly he still scares me… But there is still a seed in me that would feel embarrassed if he showed up back in my life and I was this out of shape. What is wrong with me?
I can only put this thought process down to mechanisms of behaviour I’ve created from being in these abusive relationships.