I am blessed beyond measure. Great super awesome loving guy. Roof over my head. Amazing best friends. An adorable cat. A job. My health. A repaired credit score. My MLS degree. I am truly and wonderfully blessed. I know I am mentioned this before and I will always say it. I am not in any way unaware of my blessedness. However, none of it completely cancels out my anxiety. It shows up uninvited to the party. For instance, New Years Eve.
I am the only one it seems in my family that didn’t vote for that thing about to become our president. I don’t agree with most of their views and have decided that, at the very least in my own home, politics is banned. Is that so much to ask? Must be because I am made fun of for calling it my “safe space.” Well fuck that! If I can’t have my home as a place to feel safe then its not very homey is it? I mean I am all for having a discussion but when you got 4 to 5 people coming at you it feels more like being ganged up on then anything else even if that was not the intent. It also bothers me to no end that this equates to me being a “crying liberal” (news flash I’m not a registered democrat but that doesn’t matter to people. Everyone who doesn’t like Trump is an automatic liberal… well fuck that too!)
My blood has been boiling pretty bad with every stupid cabinet appointment and every butt hurt tweet. The red flags that this man is a self-serving narcissist couldn’t be more blaring if there was a neon sign above his head. Everyone thinks he is going to “fix” America but I fear the opposite. So on New Years Eve we had our families over and everything was fine until they started talking about the Affordable Healthcare Act (Do not call it Obamacare anymore because I noticed that people don’t know they are the same thing!). Someone said something that set me off and when I reach my breaking point I cry. So I left the party and went to lay down in my office to release the stress. While I am in there I can hear conversations going on about me.
They “don’t understand why she cries.”
“I have depression too”
“She is lucky she has a house and a good man”
“She has nothing to cry about”
Don’t get me started about how no one ever tells my boyfriend he is lucky to have me. It is like they are relieved I found someone so I am no longer a burden to anyone. Or the way I am always fighting with their brothers…. it is never my uncles are fighting with me. No one in my family ever takes my side and I constantly feel like I am in the wrong. I am trying very hard to find a common footing to stand on but no one gives me anything of substance.
But lets get one thing very straight… I am NOT crying because Hillary lost… I am NOT crying because I am a snowflake liberal. Crying is and always has been my body’s way of releasing anxiety and accompanying stresses. I don’t cry everyday. What happens is I bottle up my emotions until the cap pops off. Healthy? No but I do this because I am fearful of people not liking me. Great thing about crying is that as soon as I am done getting it all out I feel 100 times better. That is all! This has been going on since childhood and I will not let anyone re-brand it to put me down. If you try you’d be wrong. I have a long history of being “sensitive” as people in my family like to call it. Really it is just me trying to keep the peace!
The next day I sent out a text apologizing (as if I needed to apologize) for my crying blaming it on my depression (because I always need to excuse myself from myself). One of them texts me back that they have depression too and that they are on more than on medication. The other texts me saying how I upset my boyfriend and how I should be grateful I have such a nice life now… I did nothing of the sort! My boyfriend is my rock. He He supports me a million times over and shares in my political views. He was not upset that day at me and I don’t appreciate words being put in his mouth.
Did I overreact? Maybe. Trust me though when I tell you I tired very hard fight back the tears, but I can’t stop my body from crying. The body is your all knowing. It does exactly what it needs to do to bring me back to equilibrium. I will always love it for that! Also, never dismiss someones anxieties because of a situation change or just ever. I wish we could all walk a day in each others shoes. I bet we’d all be a little less judgmental. I add me to this because no I am not perfect.
Anyway, so besides my anxieties stemming from my past I have this new set of concerns for the immediate future. The two also intertwine with each other.For instance…I took it personal that they voted Trump because of his disrespect for women coupled with how they didn’t believe me against my abuser. It felt like they always side with the man and the woman is just “making it up.” True or not these were my feelings. Despite all the bad, and as annoying as it sounds to be me, this is actually a good thing in regards to my anxiety. My anxieties are pinpointable so I am able to squash them pretty quickly. I no longer have those weekend bouts of I-don-wanna-do-nuthin-but-sleep. I am more functioning than I used to be.