I believe in being body positive. I believe in everyone loving themselves as they are and not needing to force change. I tell people all the time how they should not care what others think. I tell them that they are beautiful and that if someone has negative shit to say that it is a reflection on the person speaking and not themselves. When I tell people these things I am being the utmost sincere. I don’t say what I don’t mean. The only problem is when I am speaking these things to myself. I walk a fine line of body positivity. I love myself as I am. I do. However, I have those days where I feel extra extra fat and I hate it and myself. I got caught up in it again yesterday and I messed up my mental mojo. You see I’ve been going to this boot camp/circuit training class twice a week for about 8 weeks (missing a handful of days for a knee injury). In the beginning of the program they weight you and take your measurements. Last night was the last class and it required us to weigh-in and take measurements. Weigh-in was at 7:30 at night… the thought of the scale started to stress me out. How was I going to eat? What was I going to drink? Even water bogs you down temporarily.
I decided that I wasn’t going to eat or drink all day. Thinking I was being smart I messaged one of my besties that I was taking the class with… she promptly gave me a stern talking to and threatened to tell on me to my boyfriend. So I caved. I ate a banana with some peanut butter. I also picked at a couple of Brussel sprouts… the rest would be waiting for me when I arrived back home after class. However, around four hours to class time I did something massively stupid. I pulled a stunt that I hadn’t done since I was with that asshole who was ashamed of my weight… I took a laxative. I drank a saline laxative to be specific and within an hours time I was living in the bathroom. I even had to take two breaks while I was at the gym. Want to know what else happened? In the middle of the first circuit I had to pull myself to the side because I felt like I was going to vomit. So I went and picked up a free protein bar they were handing out. I ate it and drank some water. I immediately felt better I was able to finish the class.
Look what happens when I stress out over the scale and weight! I do ridiculous things and desperate things to be lighter. I stress too much especially over things that don’t need to be stressed about. In the end I ended up being down a few pounds and about 4 inches. Nothing was drastically different from when I weighed myself in that morning. I basically put my body through pains for no dam reason other than scale stress when I know that dam thing doesn’t define me!
I put too much of an expectation on myself to lose weight that I pushed off to the side what I gained from the boot camp class experience. Strength and a bit of endurance. In the beginning I wasn’t able to do many of the exercises without modifications. Or I would need to take extra breaks. I reached the point where I could make it through the class at the same pace as many of the others. I went from barely doing two minutes on the elliptical to ten/fifteen minutes easily. I made gains and I should be proud of that.
This is the other side of the fine line of body positivity. I believe in the strong not skinny movement even though if I am honest with myself I really wouldn’t mind losing 50 to 75 pounds. I have moderate arthritis in my left knee and terrible sciatica pain in my right lower back. Losing weight would take a lot of pressure off these areas and my quality of life would be even better than it already is now. I’d be able to be active longer without needing sit breaks. It can get depressing. Those two things would be the biggest reasons for me to want to drop pounds. My boyfriend could careless he loves me as I am. This desire also has absolutely no barring on my feelings for myself. I still love myself the way I am… I just want to feel even better. If you don’t love yourself first no matter what weight you are you will always feel not good enough. But dam it if dieting is not the biggest pain in the ass around!
Anyone else feel like this?