I love myself but I want to lose weight…

I believe in being body positive. I believe in everyone loving themselves as they are and not needing to force change. I tell people all the time how they should not care what others think. I tell them that they are beautiful and that if someone has negative shit to say that it is a reflection on the person speaking and not themselves.  When I tell people these things I am being the utmost sincere. I don’t say what I don’t mean. The only problem is when I am speaking these things to myself. I walk a fine line of body positivity. I love myself as I am. I do. However, I have those days where I feel extra extra fat and I hate it and myself. I got caught up in it again yesterday and I messed up my mental mojo. You see I’ve been going to this boot camp/circuit training class twice a week for about 8 weeks (missing a handful of days for a knee injury). In the beginning of the program they weight you and take your measurements. Last night was the last class and it required us to weigh-in and take measurements. Weigh-in was at 7:30 at night… the thought of the scale started to stress me out. How was I going to eat? What was I going to drink? Even water bogs you down temporarily.

I decided that I wasn’t going to eat or drink all day. Thinking I was being smart I messaged one of my besties that I was taking the class with… she promptly gave me a stern talking to and threatened to tell on me to my boyfriend. So I caved. I ate a banana with some peanut butter. I also picked at a couple of Brussel sprouts… the rest would be waiting for me when I arrived back home after class. However, around four hours to class time I did something massively stupid. I pulled a stunt that I hadn’t done since I was with that asshole who was ashamed of my weight… I took a laxative. I drank a saline laxative to be specific and within an hours time I was living in the bathroom. I even had to take two breaks while I was at the gym. Want to know what else happened? In the middle of the first circuit I had to pull myself to the side because I felt like I was going to vomit. So I went and picked up a free protein bar they were handing out. I ate it and drank some water. I immediately felt better I was able to finish the class.

Look what happens when I stress out over the scale and weight! I do ridiculous things and desperate things to be lighter.  I stress too much especially over things that don’t need to be stressed about.  In the end I ended up being down a few pounds and about 4 inches. Nothing was drastically different from  when I weighed myself in that morning. I basically put my body through pains for no dam reason other than scale stress when I know that dam thing doesn’t define me!

I put too much of an expectation on myself to lose weight that I pushed off to the side what I gained from the boot camp class experience. Strength and a bit of endurance. In the beginning I wasn’t able to do many of the exercises without modifications. Or I would need to take extra breaks. I reached the point where I could make it through the class at the same pace as many of the others. I went from barely doing two minutes on the elliptical to ten/fifteen minutes easily. I made gains and I should be proud of that.


This is me doing a pull up thing. I didn’t want to try it because I was afraid it wouldn’t hold my weight!

This is the other side of the fine line of body positivity. I believe in the strong not skinny movement even though if I am honest with myself I really wouldn’t mind losing 50 to 75 pounds. I have moderate arthritis in my left knee and terrible sciatica pain in my right lower back. Losing weight would take a lot of pressure off these areas and my quality of life would be even better than it already is now. I’d be able to be active longer without needing sit breaks. It can get depressing. Those two things would be the biggest reasons for me to want to drop pounds. My boyfriend could careless he loves me as I am. This desire also has absolutely no barring on my feelings for myself. I still love myself the way I am… I just want to feel even better. If you don’t love yourself first no matter what weight you are you will always feel not good enough. But dam it if dieting is not the biggest pain in the ass around!

Anyone else feel like this?

Essay 5/52



16 thoughts on “I love myself but I want to lose weight…

  1. I’m sure you’ve heard this before but I think the best thing really is to make small changes, one at a time, until they become the norm. This way, those changes are more likely to stay with you forever and that’s really the goal, I think. I have some family medical history that makes me want to eat healthy and I want my kids to have good eating habits… I do pretty well most of the time but it took me a long time to change bad habits. I also stay away from the word diet because it sounds temporary and has negative connotations. At least I think so. I especially avoid that word around my daughter, who, at 9 years old, is already comparing her body to her friends’ and telling me things she doesn’t like. Ugh! She’s 9!!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Hi! I have nominated you for the Liebster Award! Check out my latest blog post for the details! I hope you accept and carry this award on! Have a great day!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I feel your pain. I put off positive body image but inside I hate myself. I can’t lose weight no matter what I try. However – in the last couple months I’ve been sick, and gotten sicker. Because of that I’ve dropped off about 30+ lbs without trying. I just go one pound at a time, don’t give myself cheat days (I literally can’t, milk allergies and gluten intolerance – lucky me!), and make many “mini” targets. Good luck!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I know how you feel
    I’m all for body positivity and I’ve learnt to love my body as it is
    However, I love my body and want to look after it health wise, so I’ve been trying to improve my fitness and eat healthily for the past two years
    It’s not an easy journey- I’ve had my ups and downs and put back on two stone that I lost
    However, throughout my whole journey so far I still love my body
    Keep up the good work and continue to promote body positivity 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hi! Try to hang in there! I know it can be hard to lose weight especially when it’s not coming off as fast as you want it to. Maybe you can try doing a different workout that’s more manageable instead of overexerting yourself and being disappointed when you don’t get the desired results ( believe me I know the feeling!)

    I actually have a blog that may be able to give you some tips on losing weight without even working out! It sounds crazy, but it is doable!


    Hope this helps! Good Luck!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Hello! I just found your blog and I’m so happy I did! I found it extremely interesting and wanted to let you know that you are not alone. As women, I think it’s inevitable to want to lose weight. I am pretty small, but yet stilllll trying to drop like 10 pounds before my wedding. I too, believe in the strong instead of skinny movement and think that body positivity is imperative to a happy and healthy life. The one thing to be concerned about is health. My mother is overweight and we’ve all gotten on her about her weight. Not because we think she’s fat or ugly, but because we want her around as long as possible. There can be severe health risks with having too much weight. Maybe instead of thinking “I don’t like the way I am, so I’m going to lose weight to fit social norms.” Think, “I want to be healthy so that I can live a long life.” Just a thought. I hope it helps!


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