O: Observing my feelings

This post is me trying to work out my thoughts and feelings over the past 3 ½ years since the abuse ended. If I am wrong and define something incorrectly feel free to let me know.

What brought me to here was something I read in the post, Motivational Monday Moment, written by one of my favorite bloggers “A Thomas Point of View.”

From what I took away from her post is that if you still feel pain you have not forgiven. I have previously written about forgiveness and how I have developed a negative view of the concept. You can read about it here if you like Spiritual abuse and my fallout with religion.

I still have many questions like
1. Does God give forgiveness to people who are premeditative in their violence?
2. Does he just blanket forgive or does he need to know in your deepest of hearts that you are truly reformed?
I seriously don’t like how negative and cynical I have become regarding anything of religious nature. The good part is that I understand where it is rooted. What I need to realized and accept is that no matter what… when a group of people gather there will always be bad apples. Why these bad apples need to relentlessly find me, however, escapes me at the moment.  Also, it is not that I don’t believe in spirituality or God. I honestly do think there is more to us than our human forms. I believe in an afterlife and from all the books I have been reading it sounds wonderful and comforting. Yet still I fear death.
Anyway what is bringing this topic back to the forefront was this past weekend. I had a flashback relapse when I was off my medicine. I was remembering a specific abusive event… became overwhelmingly angry towards my immediate family members… woke up my boyfriend asking for a hug… then fell asleep before him.  My biggest question for myself is why do I still feel that anger? I have gathered that the reason is due to not having really forgiven anyone for their perceived negligence towards me.
I just cannot completely wrap my head around forgiveness but that is at a larger level. I need to look at it from a smaller perspective. I need to think about what forgiving people can do for my mental health and personal relationships. I have come to understand that because I hold onto the past I continue to let myself feel like people don’t care. It causes tension for me and sometimes I cannot look anyone in the eyes. Here is a quick example of how my holding on to the past can wreak havoc for the present…
You know how people like to call those who felt betrayed by family members who voted Trump “crybabies.” What a terrible assumption. I am in this named group of “crybabies” because I absolutely felt betrayed by my family when they all lined up to vote for that moron who treats women like objects and is sexually abusive. As a person who was abused, and still apparently holding onto it, it felt like I was right back in that relationship with a narcissist asshole and I was invisible to everyone. I thought to myself how can they vote for someone like and defend his horrible words towards women when I was sitting right there. I lived through someone treating me poorly. Don’t defend it in front of me. That is why I get so burnt up when I see this “crybaby” term being thrown around. Unless you walked in the persons shoes and lived their life you have no right to pass judgment (I make every effort possible to live by these words but I know I can be better.)  Plus, the internet has provided a safe space for people to bully others but that is a whole other issue.
The lesson learned here was that holding onto the past created a stressful situation in my present which messed up my biological womanly functions for three months. I still don’t know how to deal with it but at least I can recognize where my problem can be found.
It is true that ultimately we are the controllers of our emotions. Yes people can cause us pain but we can chose how we react to it. I suppose I hold on to resentment because I am looking at it in terms of fairness. If I let something go then the person/people who hurt me get off scotch free. No harm no foul. I let it go and it would be like it never happened. I am giving them carpe diem.  How is that fair? Truth is it shouldn’t be about fairness.
1. What do you gain by holding onto resentments?
2. How do you know how the other person/people are feeling? You’re no mind reader!
First, I gain nothing but sadness and anger when I hold onto resentments. By forgiving and truly letting go I can free myself from this dreaded inner cycle. I understand the “what” I just need to execute the “how.” I believe I will find the “how” through a meditation practice. My family is important to me. I held on to the bitterness because I wanted them to understand my point of view on my life and how I felt. Secondly, whether they do or not, for my own wellbeing, I need to let it go and truly forgive. I don’t know what I need from them, but I cannot keep trying to seek the unknown while at the same time punishing everyone whenever I feel the anger resurfacing. I am a happy girl. I am grateful for my wonderful life. The fact that I still felt pain meant that I never forgave. I was displaying something called grace… if I understood A Thomas Point of View’s post. Regardless, I need this sadness and anger gone. I just want to love everyone and have everyone love me back. I want nothing but love to flow through my life and those around me. Is that so much to ask? I know I can get there and it starts with me. My first step is this.
I forgive you.
I forgive you for not understanding my situation… or turning a blind eye… or simply not hearing my cries for help. Truth of the matter is I am equally responsible. I had all the phone numbers and pamphlets you can image. The college gave them to me. I even called Safe Horizon once. They talked about moving me out of the borough and that I would likely have to leave my job. I hung up the phone because I was scared to just leave and, as stupid as this sounds, I didn’t want to quit my job at the library. I loved that job and I put it before my own safety on more than one occasion. At the end of the day I just didn’t have the strength to do it alone. I was too afraid. I forgive you even if you disagree that you had any contribution for any of my pain. Even if this is all one-sided I no longer want to have that as something between us.  It is not fair to you and it is not fair to me. I need to put this specific pain firmly behind me because I truly do love you all so much.
Now only if I could forgive myself.

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7 thoughts on “O: Observing my feelings

  1. I’m sorry you had to endure this behavior from someone. My experience has been that the pain leaves in layers as long as you are involved in allowing it to happen. It makes sense that you hold onto it to prove your point to your family members. You can take a deep breath and let that go. My experience was that I needed to maintain the anger, etc. because I felt that way but also so I wouldn’t forget that these people treated me horribly. It created a barrier so they couldn’t get to me again. Once I realized that I let go even more because I don’t want my disgust for them driving my life. Mostly it happens in layers. Keep letting it go. They were wrong. xo

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  2. I get you entirely. It’s been 3 or 4 years since I was with my douchemonkey ex, we have no interactions at all, he has no idea what I’m doing or saying or feeling, but I still can’t let go of my anger towards him. It feels like if I let it go, that makes what he did okay, and it will never be okay.
    Maybe one day I’ll be able to forgive him, but right now it feels like I will hate him to the day I die.

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  3. Forgive your self StephieAnn. Focus on that first. Forgiveness for me is me not having a relationship with the person that hurt me and that’s okay. Find out what forgiveness looks like to you and be assured in your decision that you always must put yourself first.

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  4. I’ll let you in on a little secret: it’s all about forgiving ourselves for being human in any and every moment. If you could go back to every single moment that you now say, “I should have been able to do this” or “I should have done that” and realize that in that very moment, you did absolutely everything you could, it will begin to ease your heart. Instead of looking back at a situation and feel pain about it, know that when pain comes up, it’s because a part of you is still holding yourself responsible. We all have bits and pieces, parts and aspects of us that create judgments of us, and we replay those judgments over and over and over; and they grow like tumbleweeds.

    I have been working with a therapist who uses hypnosis to help me go back and find these moments when I created judgment against myself, as they often live in our subconscious minds. I was able to find a time when I was very little that I actually picked up judgment from my own mother and took it on as my own. The judgment was, “I am defective.” Using hypnosis, I could see that I was a very normal young child, doing what every normal young child does, and my mother had a ton of her own issues. She acted out her pain on me, and I created the judgment that if my mother caused me pain, it must mean that I deserve it. I must be defective! It fit the scenario, so my brain held onto this for decades. Being able to connect with that part of myself who actually created the judgment, allowed her to let it completely go.

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