I had an appointment with my therapist this morning (I’m super happy she is back from maternity leave). We talked about all the self-deprecative silly thoughts bestowed upon my psyche this past couple weeks.
- I turned 35 and I am acting like I am so old. I am getting married soon and I am excited about that… but then I start thinking about kids… and the fact I am still not 100% on where I stand with that… and how I will be 36 if all goes right when I become pregnant for the first time. I know women are having children later in life than in the past but I can’t help feeling scared about it.
- I am having many more “I feel fat and ugly” days recently. I am trying to get healthier but every 3 steps forward I fall back 2 1/2. It’s like I can’t east anything without it attaching itself to my stomach. Fat loves my stomach 😦 I don’t place my happiness on being thinner but I really would love to do things without all the extra pain and effort it takes.
- My troubled past creeps in from time to time knocking me out of nowhere when it does. This past weekend I was reminded how sometimes… if not most of the time.. people don’t like to get involved in situations that don’t involve them. A conversation was had amongst friends regarding some new loud neighbors… and possible abuse happening. I made the suggestion that the cops be called but I was retorted with a “I don’t want to get involved.” This brought me back to the time my neighbors didn’t call the cops when I was screaming for my life. Instead they called the rental office to complain about the noise level coming from our apartment. This naturally dampened my mood and I ended up crying waiting on a line to buy lake tour tickets.
- This led to me hating on myself. I hate that I cry all the time. I hate that these memories and pains can’t just disappear completely from my life. I understand that this is impossible that my past is a part of my but I don’t want it to keep interfering with my future.
- This brought my thoughts to what is the point of life and why even exist? No I would never kill myself but that still don’t stop me from questing the point of it all if pain never completely heals.
- I actually said the words to myself… I hate being white. Driving through the south we saw a whole lot of confederate flags… a friend who lives down south doesn’t go to certain places because her skin is brown… this superiority complex of some white people does not represent me… so why do I beat up on myself? I don’t treat people like I am better… never have.
- I bury my depression in shopping but I need to focus on saving… so my internal struggle to want stuff with the words Harry Potter or Star Wars on it is at odds with my desire to go on vacations… what the hell is wrong with me!
I am in so much mental pain I don’t know what to do with it all.
Today is my fur baby and I’s birthday! His the big 3 and I’m 35… yikes where does the time go!
I just watched a video where disabled American citizens were dragged out of their wheel chairs and carried off from a protest. This enraged me. No matter what you say nothing absolutely NOTHING justifies what happened. These are concerned Americans trying to have their voices heard. They are part of the collective whole that are the EMPLOYERS of these asswipes running the country making laws that will hurt them. It made me extremely sad to see such a display against humanity. What if in the future I have a child and they were born with a disability or whatever other pre-existing conditions are out there. This country is not going to give a shit about that child’s health. They only care about their God- Money. They bow down to Money without a single care in the world for who they are screwing over. Why would I want to put a potential child through such torment? They can’t be under our health insurance forever and what if, god forbid, someone loses a job or something else happens? I don’t want any children I have to suffer and this is my main concern against having children that I can’t get past. I don’t want them to suffer. I would hate myself.
This country has lost its soul. I am feeling really depressed right now.
I have been listening to the Harry Potter books in the car as I drive to and from work to make the hours in traffic enjoyable. Currently I am on my least favorite of the books, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Why? Well… People calling Harry a liar… hate. Harry Potter’s constant whining and taking out his anger on his friends… hate. Umbridge… super duper hate. Regardless of all that I will still listen on. I pass one part today where Professor Snape assigned the class an essay on the properties of moonstone and its uses in potion-making. The book never really tells you so I thought it would be a fun idea to complete a Hogwarts homework. Below you will find my moonstone essay and I apologize that it is not on 12inchs of parchment! Continue reading
Wedding dress sizes
There is no greater time to ignore a size than when you are shopping for a wedding dress. I have said it once and I’ll say it again… the number on your clothes does not and will not ever define you! Yet no matter how hard I try to apply my words to myself; I will admit there was a punch to my self-esteem as I was squeezing into a dress two sizes bigger than my everyday clothes. I ended up asking the same question I am sure tons of other brides asked. Why do these dresses run so small? So I googled it.
I lived in a place prior to the first house. I was told this by my parents but that apartment rests in a part of my memory I don’t have access. The home I do remember was owned by my maternal grandparents. It was a greenish color with 4 levels. You had to walk up a ton of stairs to get to the house. I on the other hand preferred to take the dirt path that was between the railings of my grandparents’ house and the neighbors to the left. I imagine that is because I always wanted to do things differently but that is for my parents to confirm. Regardless I thought it was more fun than taking the steps. To the right of the stairs was a three level bush/tree garden. Least that is what I call it. I used to like to play there. Continue reading
Because sometimes you need a little help figuring it all out…