What are my VITALS?

What are my VITALS?

I open this blog post with a quote from Gretchen Rubin. I currently do not know much about her other than what I read briefly in her bio and this awesome quote I relate to so much!

“My first commandment is to “Be Gretchen”—yet it’s very hard to know myself.  I get so distracted by the way I wish I were, or the way I assume I am, that I lose sight of what’s actually true.”

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Yes, time anxiety is a real thing!

Yes, time anxiety is a real thing!

One of my more debilitating anxieties to date is that which I have with time. My time anxiety has often left me feeling very panicky. My heart thumps out of my chest. My hands get all cold and shaky. And depending on what is going on at the moment I find myself have difficulty focusing. I read two articles trying to gather some background info on time anxiety. I wondered if it was a real thing since sometimes people like to poke fun at it… like how I was afraid of missing the boat when we went on the cruise two weeks ago…. My goodness has it really been that long???  Is it really September???? You know honestly I feel time is moving too fast. I mean geez Christmas, New Years, and birthdays have been whipping around at what feels like light speed. Every year I get older and I still don’t even know if I want kids! The panic is real people the panic is real. Continue reading

Never hungry

Partner is by definition a person who comes together with another person in an undertaking with a shared outcome. By moving in together that is exactly what we did. I often fret about whether or not I am holding my even share in this wonderful venture. Living with him as been one of the easiest things I have ever done. It feels natural like I was always suppose to be here… in this place… creating our home and building our lives.

Yet I am nagged by the fact that I can’t remember the last time I cooked something. My guess would be around last December. Yet I never go hungry. Even when he is not around the leftovers sustain me until his return. I am not kidding. This past week I made a fritta and Brussels sprouts stretch four days! I am tired of eggs, but I didn’t have to buy any of the overpriced food they try to sell around where I work. And when he is home… my dinner is always packed and ready to go for the next day. I am hardly around during the week between my hours and the time it takes to commute back and forth. He has made this work transition so seamless for me.

However, I really should cook on the weekends when I am home. I really should. But then does things like making pizza or BBQ chicken. It’s soooooo good. I can’t compete with his kitchen skills. Flavors come natural to him. He can wing something and it will be a party in my stomach. He says he loves to cook and I am forever grateful for that… but I don’t want him to feel like he always HAS to cook. I know my way around a kitchen just not as well. I try to compensate for my lack of cooking by keeping up with the laundry, dusting, and vacuuming…. the last two I been slacking on due to the fact I hate dust and there is cat hair EVERYWHERE. Yet that is only one day a week. His underwear may be clean but I eat everyday! Then again he does wear clean clothes everyday… it’s the same thing right?

I should stop being paranoid about my lack of cooking hours. I should take my solace in the fact that if he didn’t like something he wouldn’t do it. I should believe that I do in fact bring my fair share to this relationship. I’ve done a lot of growing in the past two years. I fixed my credit. I have a back account even though I hate banks.  I am not longer miserable at work because I found a job in the path I have chosen as my career. It’s not perfect but nothing ever is really. Most importantly, to me anyway, I am in a healthy relationship with the man I love and want to spend the rest of my days. Yet I can’t kick these dam insecurities. I feel like a character that is having trouble developing!

My empty commute

My empty commute

For the past four months I have been listening to the audio books of the Harry Potter series. I’ve read the books before but I wanted to listen to them again after so many years passed. If you haven’t listen to Jim Dale read Harry Potter you are seriously missing out! He had voices for all the characters and I was most impressed with his ability to remember them throughout the seven books! The Harry Potter books have been my sole companion as I drove to and from work and now my car is empty.

Anyone have any recommendations for a captive audio book. I hardly doubt there are any that can fill Harry’s shoes but I am willing to give something a chance. I am lonely and the radio isn’t cutting it with all their commercials!

Mental pains

I had an appointment with my therapist this morning (I’m super happy she is back from maternity leave). We talked about all the self-deprecative silly thoughts bestowed upon my psyche this past couple weeks.

  1. I turned 35 and I am acting like I am so old. I am getting married soon and I am excited about that… but then I start thinking about kids… and the fact I am still not 100% on where I stand with that… and how I will be 36 if all goes right when I become pregnant for the first time. I know women are having children later in life than in the past but I can’t help feeling scared about it.
  2. I am having many more “I feel fat and ugly” days recently. I am trying to get healthier but every 3 steps forward I fall back 2 1/2. It’s like I can’t east anything without it attaching itself to my stomach. Fat loves my stomach 😦 I don’t place my happiness on being thinner but I really would love to do things without all the extra pain and effort it takes.
  3. My troubled past creeps in from time to time knocking me out of nowhere when it does. This past weekend I was reminded how sometimes… if not most of the time.. people don’t like to get involved in situations that don’t involve them. A conversation was had amongst friends regarding some new loud neighbors… and possible abuse happening. I made the suggestion that the cops be called but I was retorted with a “I don’t want to get involved.” This brought me back to the time my neighbors didn’t call the cops when I was screaming for my life. Instead they called the rental office to complain about the noise level coming from our apartment. This naturally dampened my mood and I ended up crying waiting on a line to buy lake tour tickets.
  4. This led to me hating on myself. I hate that I cry all the time. I hate that these memories and pains can’t just disappear completely from my life. I understand that this is impossible that my past is a part of my but I don’t want it to keep interfering with my future.
  5. This brought my thoughts to what is the point of life and why even exist? No I would never kill myself but that still don’t stop me from questing the point of it all if pain never completely heals.
  6. I actually said the words to myself… I hate being white. Driving through the south we saw a whole lot of confederate flags… a friend who lives down south doesn’t go to certain places because her skin is brown… this superiority complex of some white people does not represent me… so why do I beat up on myself? I don’t treat people like I am better… never have.
  7. I bury my depression in shopping but I need to focus on saving… so my internal struggle to want stuff with the words Harry Potter or Star Wars on it is at odds with my desire to go on vacations… what the hell is wrong with me!

I am in so much mental pain I don’t know what to do with it all.

Do good and good comes back

Do good and good comes back

I am a firm believe if you do good then good will find its way back to you. This is how I try to live my life. There is enough hatred and anger in the world that I try to spread the love to the best of my abilities. Am I perfect at this? No. For instance, there are plenty of times where I won’t give people money on the street. Sometimes it is because I really don’t have any or I am simply scared (depending on time of day… I’m more afraid of others in the night time hours… and I don’t care what color your skin is I am just a natural born jitterbug when the sun goes down). I believe people term this cause and effect relationship as Karma. Continue reading

O: Observing my feelings

This post is me trying to work out my thoughts and feelings over the past 3 ½ years since the abuse ended. If I am wrong and define something incorrectly feel free to let me know.

What brought me to here was something I read in the post, Motivational Monday Moment, written by one of my favorite bloggers “A Thomas Point of View.”

From what I took away from her post is that if you still feel pain you have not forgiven. I have previously written about forgiveness and how I have developed a negative view of the concept. You can read about it here if you like Spiritual abuse and my fallout with religion.

I still have many questions like
1. Does God give forgiveness to people who are premeditative in their violence?
2. Does he just blanket forgive or does he need to know in your deepest of hearts that you are truly reformed?
I seriously don’t like how negative and cynical I have become regarding anything of religious nature. The good part is that I understand where it is rooted. What I need to realized and accept is that no matter what… when a group of people gather there will always be bad apples. Why these bad apples need to relentlessly find me, however, escapes me at the moment.  Also, it is not that I don’t believe in spirituality or God. I honestly do think there is more to us than our human forms. I believe in an afterlife and from all the books I have been reading it sounds wonderful and comforting. Yet still I fear death.
Anyway what is bringing this topic back to the forefront was this past weekend. I had a flashback relapse when I was off my medicine. I was remembering a specific abusive event… became overwhelmingly angry towards my immediate family members… woke up my boyfriend asking for a hug… then fell asleep before him.  My biggest question for myself is why do I still feel that anger? I have gathered that the reason is due to not having really forgiven anyone for their perceived negligence towards me.
I just cannot completely wrap my head around forgiveness but that is at a larger level. I need to look at it from a smaller perspective. I need to think about what forgiving people can do for my mental health and personal relationships. I have come to understand that because I hold onto the past I continue to let myself feel like people don’t care. It causes tension for me and sometimes I cannot look anyone in the eyes. Here is a quick example of how my holding on to the past can wreak havoc for the present…
You know how people like to call those who felt betrayed by family members who voted Trump “crybabies.” What a terrible assumption. I am in this named group of “crybabies” because I absolutely felt betrayed by my family when they all lined up to vote for that moron who treats women like objects and is sexually abusive. As a person who was abused, and still apparently holding onto it, it felt like I was right back in that relationship with a narcissist asshole and I was invisible to everyone. I thought to myself how can they vote for someone like and defend his horrible words towards women when I was sitting right there. I lived through someone treating me poorly. Don’t defend it in front of me. That is why I get so burnt up when I see this “crybaby” term being thrown around. Unless you walked in the persons shoes and lived their life you have no right to pass judgment (I make every effort possible to live by these words but I know I can be better.)  Plus, the internet has provided a safe space for people to bully others but that is a whole other issue.
The lesson learned here was that holding onto the past created a stressful situation in my present which messed up my biological womanly functions for three months. I still don’t know how to deal with it but at least I can recognize where my problem can be found.
It is true that ultimately we are the controllers of our emotions. Yes people can cause us pain but we can chose how we react to it. I suppose I hold on to resentment because I am looking at it in terms of fairness. If I let something go then the person/people who hurt me get off scotch free. No harm no foul. I let it go and it would be like it never happened. I am giving them carpe diem.  How is that fair? Truth is it shouldn’t be about fairness.
1. What do you gain by holding onto resentments?
2. How do you know how the other person/people are feeling? You’re no mind reader!
First, I gain nothing but sadness and anger when I hold onto resentments. By forgiving and truly letting go I can free myself from this dreaded inner cycle. I understand the “what” I just need to execute the “how.” I believe I will find the “how” through a meditation practice. My family is important to me. I held on to the bitterness because I wanted them to understand my point of view on my life and how I felt. Secondly, whether they do or not, for my own wellbeing, I need to let it go and truly forgive. I don’t know what I need from them, but I cannot keep trying to seek the unknown while at the same time punishing everyone whenever I feel the anger resurfacing. I am a happy girl. I am grateful for my wonderful life. The fact that I still felt pain meant that I never forgave. I was displaying something called grace… if I understood A Thomas Point of View’s post. Regardless, I need this sadness and anger gone. I just want to love everyone and have everyone love me back. I want nothing but love to flow through my life and those around me. Is that so much to ask? I know I can get there and it starts with me. My first step is this.
I forgive you.
I forgive you for not understanding my situation… or turning a blind eye… or simply not hearing my cries for help. Truth of the matter is I am equally responsible. I had all the phone numbers and pamphlets you can image. The college gave them to me. I even called Safe Horizon once. They talked about moving me out of the borough and that I would likely have to leave my job. I hung up the phone because I was scared to just leave and, as stupid as this sounds, I didn’t want to quit my job at the library. I loved that job and I put it before my own safety on more than one occasion. At the end of the day I just didn’t have the strength to do it alone. I was too afraid. I forgive you even if you disagree that you had any contribution for any of my pain. Even if this is all one-sided I no longer want to have that as something between us.  It is not fair to you and it is not fair to me. I need to put this specific pain firmly behind me because I truly do love you all so much.
Now only if I could forgive myself.