Mental pains

I had an appointment with my therapist this morning (I’m super happy she is back from maternity leave). We talked about all the self-deprecative silly thoughts bestowed upon my psyche this past couple weeks.

  1. I turned 35 and I am acting like I am so old. I am getting married soon and I am excited about that… but then I start thinking about kids… and the fact I am still not 100% on where I stand with that… and how I will be 36 if all goes right when I become pregnant for the first time. I know women are having children later in life than in the past but I can’t help feeling scared about it.
  2. I am having many more “I feel fat and ugly” days recently. I am trying to get healthier but every 3 steps forward I fall back 2 1/2. It’s like I can’t east anything without it attaching itself to my stomach. Fat loves my stomach 😦 I don’t place my happiness on being thinner but I really would love to do things without all the extra pain and effort it takes.
  3. My troubled past creeps in from time to time knocking me out of nowhere when it does. This past weekend I was reminded how sometimes… if not most of the time.. people don’t like to get involved in situations that don’t involve them. A conversation was had amongst friends regarding some new loud neighbors… and possible abuse happening. I made the suggestion that the cops be called but I was retorted with a “I don’t want to get involved.” This brought me back to the time my neighbors didn’t call the cops when I was screaming for my life. Instead they called the rental office to complain about the noise level coming from our apartment. This naturally dampened my mood and I ended up crying waiting on a line to buy lake tour tickets.
  4. This led to me hating on myself. I hate that I cry all the time. I hate that these memories and pains can’t just disappear completely from my life. I understand that this is impossible that my past is a part of my but I don’t want it to keep interfering with my future.
  5. This brought my thoughts to what is the point of life and why even exist? No I would never kill myself but that still don’t stop me from questing the point of it all if pain never completely heals.
  6. I actually said the words to myself… I hate being white. Driving through the south we saw a whole lot of confederate flags… a friend who lives down south doesn’t go to certain places because her skin is brown… this superiority complex of some white people does not represent me… so why do I beat up on myself? I don’t treat people like I am better… never have.
  7. I bury my depression in shopping but I need to focus on saving… so my internal struggle to want stuff with the words Harry Potter or Star Wars on it is at odds with my desire to go on vacations… what the hell is wrong with me!

I am in so much mental pain I don’t know what to do with it all.

Do good and good comes back

Do good and good comes back

I am a firm believe if you do good then good will find its way back to you. This is how I try to live my life. There is enough hatred and anger in the world that I try to spread the love to the best of my abilities. Am I perfect at this? No. For instance, there are plenty of times where I won’t give people money on the street. Sometimes it is because I really don’t have any or I am simply scared (depending on time of day… I’m more afraid of others in the night time hours… and I don’t care what color your skin is I am just a natural born jitterbug when the sun goes down). I believe people term this cause and effect relationship as Karma. Continue reading

O: Observing my feelings

This post is me trying to work out my thoughts and feelings over the past 3 ½ years since the abuse ended. If I am wrong and define something incorrectly feel free to let me know.

What brought me to here was something I read in the post, Motivational Monday Moment, written by one of my favorite bloggers “A Thomas Point of View.”

From what I took away from her post is that if you still feel pain you have not forgiven. I have previously written about forgiveness and how I have developed a negative view of the concept. You can read about it here if you like Spiritual abuse and my fallout with religion.

I still have many questions like
1. Does God give forgiveness to people who are premeditative in their violence?
2. Does he just blanket forgive or does he need to know in your deepest of hearts that you are truly reformed?
I seriously don’t like how negative and cynical I have become regarding anything of religious nature. The good part is that I understand where it is rooted. What I need to realized and accept is that no matter what… when a group of people gather there will always be bad apples. Why these bad apples need to relentlessly find me, however, escapes me at the moment.  Also, it is not that I don’t believe in spirituality or God. I honestly do think there is more to us than our human forms. I believe in an afterlife and from all the books I have been reading it sounds wonderful and comforting. Yet still I fear death.
Anyway what is bringing this topic back to the forefront was this past weekend. I had a flashback relapse when I was off my medicine. I was remembering a specific abusive event… became overwhelmingly angry towards my immediate family members… woke up my boyfriend asking for a hug… then fell asleep before him.  My biggest question for myself is why do I still feel that anger? I have gathered that the reason is due to not having really forgiven anyone for their perceived negligence towards me.
I just cannot completely wrap my head around forgiveness but that is at a larger level. I need to look at it from a smaller perspective. I need to think about what forgiving people can do for my mental health and personal relationships. I have come to understand that because I hold onto the past I continue to let myself feel like people don’t care. It causes tension for me and sometimes I cannot look anyone in the eyes. Here is a quick example of how my holding on to the past can wreak havoc for the present…
You know how people like to call those who felt betrayed by family members who voted Trump “crybabies.” What a terrible assumption. I am in this named group of “crybabies” because I absolutely felt betrayed by my family when they all lined up to vote for that moron who treats women like objects and is sexually abusive. As a person who was abused, and still apparently holding onto it, it felt like I was right back in that relationship with a narcissist asshole and I was invisible to everyone. I thought to myself how can they vote for someone like and defend his horrible words towards women when I was sitting right there. I lived through someone treating me poorly. Don’t defend it in front of me. That is why I get so burnt up when I see this “crybaby” term being thrown around. Unless you walked in the persons shoes and lived their life you have no right to pass judgment (I make every effort possible to live by these words but I know I can be better.)  Plus, the internet has provided a safe space for people to bully others but that is a whole other issue.
The lesson learned here was that holding onto the past created a stressful situation in my present which messed up my biological womanly functions for three months. I still don’t know how to deal with it but at least I can recognize where my problem can be found.
It is true that ultimately we are the controllers of our emotions. Yes people can cause us pain but we can chose how we react to it. I suppose I hold on to resentment because I am looking at it in terms of fairness. If I let something go then the person/people who hurt me get off scotch free. No harm no foul. I let it go and it would be like it never happened. I am giving them carpe diem.  How is that fair? Truth is it shouldn’t be about fairness.
1. What do you gain by holding onto resentments?
2. How do you know how the other person/people are feeling? You’re no mind reader!
First, I gain nothing but sadness and anger when I hold onto resentments. By forgiving and truly letting go I can free myself from this dreaded inner cycle. I understand the “what” I just need to execute the “how.” I believe I will find the “how” through a meditation practice. My family is important to me. I held on to the bitterness because I wanted them to understand my point of view on my life and how I felt. Secondly, whether they do or not, for my own wellbeing, I need to let it go and truly forgive. I don’t know what I need from them, but I cannot keep trying to seek the unknown while at the same time punishing everyone whenever I feel the anger resurfacing. I am a happy girl. I am grateful for my wonderful life. The fact that I still felt pain meant that I never forgave. I was displaying something called grace… if I understood A Thomas Point of View’s post. Regardless, I need this sadness and anger gone. I just want to love everyone and have everyone love me back. I want nothing but love to flow through my life and those around me. Is that so much to ask? I know I can get there and it starts with me. My first step is this.
I forgive you.
I forgive you for not understanding my situation… or turning a blind eye… or simply not hearing my cries for help. Truth of the matter is I am equally responsible. I had all the phone numbers and pamphlets you can image. The college gave them to me. I even called Safe Horizon once. They talked about moving me out of the borough and that I would likely have to leave my job. I hung up the phone because I was scared to just leave and, as stupid as this sounds, I didn’t want to quit my job at the library. I loved that job and I put it before my own safety on more than one occasion. At the end of the day I just didn’t have the strength to do it alone. I was too afraid. I forgive you even if you disagree that you had any contribution for any of my pain. Even if this is all one-sided I no longer want to have that as something between us.  It is not fair to you and it is not fair to me. I need to put this specific pain firmly behind me because I truly do love you all so much.
Now only if I could forgive myself.

M: Meditation 

I am currently reading through the pamphlet Guide to Meditation by Roy Davis. I had originally downloaded this book on my Kindle… I want to say… almost three years ago. It was either free or under five dollars. I can’t remember off hand and I am too lazy to look it up! In it he states that “Meditation correctly practiced, is simply the process of removing attention from conditions and circumstances which… fragment and cloud our perceptions.”  Simply put it enables us to easily experience other levels of our consciousness. Practice makes perfect and with a daily routine we are more likely to open ourselves up to “physiological and psychological rest” in addition to being spiritually awakened.I will say that I have made several attempts at putting myself on a meditation routine. I mediate maybe two times a week at most. I will also mediate at random times like when I am feeling my anxiety rising. When I feel like this I stop what I am doing, close my eyes, and focus on my breath. Often times this is enough to calm me down.  Just from my limited experience with meditation it has made me wonder what other great things it can do for me in the long haul. 

However, part of my problem is I expect immediate results from myself. If I start to try and lose weight I immediately become disappointed when I wake up the next day looking the same. Yea I know this sounds extreme but I like instant gratification haha.  So it goes without saying, but I will say it anyway, that when I start to mediate I expected to reap all the positive benefits from it in one sitting. David mentions how when you go to meditate that we must leave the anxiety of it behind. The need to be worrying about the outcomes of meditation is kind of counterproductive to the process. That has been my issue with keeping to a schedule. Imagine how much further along I would have been in my spiritual journey should I have practiced every day for the past three years?

Some of his tips for beginning are almost all common sense.

Tip 1- Consider your meditation practice to be the most important activity of your day (I would say put it to a routine such as brushing your teeth… unless you don’t do that every day)

Tip 2- Schedule your meditations at a time when you can give your total attention (For example, I want to take time out during the mornings. Now that I work primarily evenings my mornings are no longer rushed so I can use this time to meditate before I start my day).

Tip 3- Mediate minimally once a day

Tip 4- Find a private spot and make it your personal sanctuary (You are more likely to get into the headspace when you condition yourself to think of a certain area as your meditation zone!)

Davis then goes into the stages of the meditation practice.

1.       Sitting– The most ideal posture is to sit upright (I have often time meditated lying down. To me that felt the most relaxing but sometimes I fall asleep)

2.       Beginning– The book says to begin with a prayer to however you visualize God to be. However, ultimately it is up to you how you want to begin your practice. Another way could be the use of mantras. Focusing on chosen words or short phrases can help pull your attention away from external distractions.

3.       Internalization of attention– means you take your attention away from external distractions and focus inward. (This is usually where I begin but I think I want to try the prayer step.)

4.       Concentration– It is the undisturbed flow of attention to the point of focus

5.       Pure meditation– Uninterrupted flowing of attention to the object being contemplated

6.       Peak experience– When awareness is partially or completely removed from identification with mental processes and transformation, superconsciousness is experienced.

Was this at all useful? I may need to reread this chapter… especially the part about the superconsciousness. The book states that the superconsciousness is natural to our souls and that there we are already free. I am not sure I fully understand what this means but I want to learn.

Most beginners do not experience “spontaneous awakenings” because our awareness is still too involved with our physical senses, emotions, and thoughts. This is the stage I am stuck in.

Does anyone else meditate and have tips for this novice?

I am living in the Upside Down

I am living in the Upside Down

Good news for anyone who read my middle of the night post the other day. I am feel much better!

With that said… I feel like I am living in the Upside Down! This is a Stranger Things reference for anyone who hasn’t watched the Netflix series… I recommend it though… run go check it out! What I mean by all that is my days have flipped. I am working the closing shift at my new job and I don’t have the internet access that I was used to at my previous place of employment. This means that I will be unable to blog during my usual hours. Will this take some getting used to? Absolutely… but it is totally worth it to be back in a library! Yes the library as internet access but it is for school purposes only so no blogging during work. I can, however, in my spare time on my breaks write my blog posts out and just upload them at my earliest convenience. All in all great news I will still blog I just need to adjust to my new schedule. As a result I am breaking the rules and posting a bunch of letters that I missed out on. I hate to do this but I do not want to flood your feeds with individual #atozchallenge catch-up posts. So in this quick review I will be going through F to L. Continue reading

Can’t sleep

I hate this feeling. I always thought it was gone. I’m happy now. I have a great life. But three days without my antidepressant medication and I’m dizzy, irritable, and easy to cry.  I also keep getting flashbacks. I’m trying to sleep and I’m haunted by that twisted face pinning me down and wailing on me. Whipping my arms with a hanger. The scene keeps playing everytime I close my eyes. I feel like damaged goods. 

I went Friday on my day off to pick up my refill only to find out my doctor never called it in. The office was closed when I called and closed until Monday so I guess I get to feel like shit through the weekend. If I’m able to emerge from this by Monday feeling better I’m dumping the doctor and not going back on the medication. I just need to find my strength and pray the dizziness stops. 

Also I’m sorry for not posting all last week. My new job does not allow for recreational internet access and I work late hours so I’ve had to adjust my routine. I have a post nearly ready and I’ll get that to you sometime tomorrow. 

As you can imagine I’ve been very upset thinking I was over all this crying all day crap. I feel like a fraud with my positivity challenge. Maybe this lack of medicine causing my crying and general emotional rollercoaster is all my head. I pray that whatever it is be lifted from me because I hate this feeling. 

E: Eliminating News

E: Eliminating News

I was stressed so bad from the last months of 2016 up until around February. The stress was so bad that it was directly affecting my body. I was having chest pains nearly everyday. I was susceptible to crying because of the betrayal I was feeling. It messed up my lady cycle so bad that for three months I didn’t get a normal period. I finally reached my wits end so I went on a blocking spree of news outlets on all of my social media accounts.  Continue reading