Days gone by…

It’s 8AM and the alarm is blaring
but hear it I do not
My eyes blink open and are staring
it is now 10 o’clock
Hardly time to brush the dust
from my sleepy eyes
In an hour leave I must
Let’s go, get up, arise!
Squeeze my pants over the buns
no time for a pose
Can’t wear sneakers so grab the ones
that hurt my pinky toes!
Wash face, brush teeth, ponytail
pet cat, and kiss my beau.
Grab my lunch and hit the trail
no time for moving slow
Drive in traffic, honk at cars
scream that’s not a LANE!
Frustrations got me seeing stars
driving is a pain
Get to work and circle block
until a space I find
Must punch in by 1 o’clock
some cuss words cross my mind
They want books, staplers, computers
and rooms to study in
I also point them to the tutors
and do it all with a grin
The printers either have a jam
or paper they are out
They open and close them with a BAM!
I stare over with a pout
Counting five, six, seven, eight
hours do go by
Make sure all the books are straight
Maybe tomorrow I’ll have Thai
Punch out the day is finally done
Quick run to the car!
Pass the others one-by-one
I can’t wait to take off this bra!
Park and open up the door
Shoes come off fast
Fall into the arms of my amour
Good to be home at last!
Three weeks flew by I forgot to blog
Give up I thought I must
Forget it! No! Push away the smog
In my readers I must trust

The guest list debate…

The guest list debate…

Planning a wedding is more stressful than I thought it would be. I decided to hold the ceremony at a destination and the reception back home so I am having guest list stress. I wasn’t planning on inviting everyone out to the destination due to the added cost of travel and hotel. I figured it would be our immediate families, wedding party, and best friends. We then plan on showing the video of the ceremony as part of the reception dinner about two weeks later. The venue has already been picked and deposit placed but I find myself pulling my hair out over the invites.

This is part of my fear complex. I am afraid of offending people when there is no intention to do so. It is a money issue more than anything. If thought everyone would come out to the destination ceremony I would say screw the second party but that isn’t reality. I am in love with the venue but I know not everyone can attend. Yet I want to be able to include everyone so splitting the wedding into two separate parts seemed like the best option (and surprising more affordable… the venue was a great deal).

I am seeking advice on how to deal with guest lists!

Tick tock goes the clock…

Tick tock goes the clock…

…Pretty soon we tie the knot!

This is a story about a Girl who has this friend that tells her about a Boy

Girl lets friend give Boy her number
Boy texts girl and they talk 
Boy invites Girl out for coffee and Girl agrees
Boy and Girl meet and Girl has a great time
Girl panics because she really likes Boy
Boy keeps talking to Girl and plans romantic dates
Girl knows that Boy is someone special
Girl falls for Boy and knows immediately he is the one
Boys also realizes Girl is awesome and he shouldn’t let her go
Girl and Boy continue to hang out and spend every free moment together
Girl and Boy eventually move in together
Life is easy as Girl and Boy get along so well
Everything feels right in Girl’s world
Girl’s life makes sense and  is finally happy
Boy tells Girl he wants to get married
Girl agrees and Boy now also happy!










Girl really really loves Boy 😍😙


Vacation break

Vacation break

I have emerged from my vacation realizing that I need to seriously stop thinking I can do these blogging challenges. Let’s face it I set myself up to fail every single time. Problem is that I feel these challenges stunt my ability to blog. I stress myself out trying to keep on schedule and I feel as though I’m forcing out posts just to satisfy the challenge. I feel like I haven’t written anything all that great recently so I’m going to stop forcing challenges and just blog with the flow. My brain just doesn’t want to work that way. I like to be all over the place. It makes me interesting! Least I think so. 

Anyway I am finally able to take some time to myself and jot down a few words for you. I spent last week on our annual trip to Las Vegas and then went for a road trip to the Grand Canyon.  I had a lot more work to do this time around in Vegas so there are not many pictures but I will write on that later. 

Y’all let me tell you if you haven’t been try try try to get to the Grand Canyon. It is absolutely breathtaking. I took soooo many photos because the beauty of it keeps changing with each viewing location, passing cloud, and movement of the sun across the sky. I never in my life felt so small and being a bigger girl that is a rarity. Normally I feel extra big… especially on anything transportation related.

We spent two days viewing as much of the Canyon as possible. We saw so much of it and yet nothing at all. It is that big! My goal or wish is that someday I can get myself in enough shape to actually hike down into the Canyon. Going down is the easy part it is the upward hike that I am most concerned about!


Mother Nature is so beautiful and amazing. She is truly the master sculpture and deserves our respect.

Below is just a small sampling of the pictures that I took.











O: Observing my feelings

This post is me trying to work out my thoughts and feelings over the past 3 ½ years since the abuse ended. If I am wrong and define something incorrectly feel free to let me know.

What brought me to here was something I read in the post, Motivational Monday Moment, written by one of my favorite bloggers “A Thomas Point of View.”

From what I took away from her post is that if you still feel pain you have not forgiven. I have previously written about forgiveness and how I have developed a negative view of the concept. You can read about it here if you like Spiritual abuse and my fallout with religion.

I still have many questions like
1. Does God give forgiveness to people who are premeditative in their violence?
2. Does he just blanket forgive or does he need to know in your deepest of hearts that you are truly reformed?
I seriously don’t like how negative and cynical I have become regarding anything of religious nature. The good part is that I understand where it is rooted. What I need to realized and accept is that no matter what… when a group of people gather there will always be bad apples. Why these bad apples need to relentlessly find me, however, escapes me at the moment.  Also, it is not that I don’t believe in spirituality or God. I honestly do think there is more to us than our human forms. I believe in an afterlife and from all the books I have been reading it sounds wonderful and comforting. Yet still I fear death.
Anyway what is bringing this topic back to the forefront was this past weekend. I had a flashback relapse when I was off my medicine. I was remembering a specific abusive event… became overwhelmingly angry towards my immediate family members… woke up my boyfriend asking for a hug… then fell asleep before him.  My biggest question for myself is why do I still feel that anger? I have gathered that the reason is due to not having really forgiven anyone for their perceived negligence towards me.
I just cannot completely wrap my head around forgiveness but that is at a larger level. I need to look at it from a smaller perspective. I need to think about what forgiving people can do for my mental health and personal relationships. I have come to understand that because I hold onto the past I continue to let myself feel like people don’t care. It causes tension for me and sometimes I cannot look anyone in the eyes. Here is a quick example of how my holding on to the past can wreak havoc for the present…
You know how people like to call those who felt betrayed by family members who voted Trump “crybabies.” What a terrible assumption. I am in this named group of “crybabies” because I absolutely felt betrayed by my family when they all lined up to vote for that moron who treats women like objects and is sexually abusive. As a person who was abused, and still apparently holding onto it, it felt like I was right back in that relationship with a narcissist asshole and I was invisible to everyone. I thought to myself how can they vote for someone like and defend his horrible words towards women when I was sitting right there. I lived through someone treating me poorly. Don’t defend it in front of me. That is why I get so burnt up when I see this “crybaby” term being thrown around. Unless you walked in the persons shoes and lived their life you have no right to pass judgment (I make every effort possible to live by these words but I know I can be better.)  Plus, the internet has provided a safe space for people to bully others but that is a whole other issue.
The lesson learned here was that holding onto the past created a stressful situation in my present which messed up my biological womanly functions for three months. I still don’t know how to deal with it but at least I can recognize where my problem can be found.
It is true that ultimately we are the controllers of our emotions. Yes people can cause us pain but we can chose how we react to it. I suppose I hold on to resentment because I am looking at it in terms of fairness. If I let something go then the person/people who hurt me get off scotch free. No harm no foul. I let it go and it would be like it never happened. I am giving them carpe diem.  How is that fair? Truth is it shouldn’t be about fairness.
1. What do you gain by holding onto resentments?
2. How do you know how the other person/people are feeling? You’re no mind reader!
First, I gain nothing but sadness and anger when I hold onto resentments. By forgiving and truly letting go I can free myself from this dreaded inner cycle. I understand the “what” I just need to execute the “how.” I believe I will find the “how” through a meditation practice. My family is important to me. I held on to the bitterness because I wanted them to understand my point of view on my life and how I felt. Secondly, whether they do or not, for my own wellbeing, I need to let it go and truly forgive. I don’t know what I need from them, but I cannot keep trying to seek the unknown while at the same time punishing everyone whenever I feel the anger resurfacing. I am a happy girl. I am grateful for my wonderful life. The fact that I still felt pain meant that I never forgave. I was displaying something called grace… if I understood A Thomas Point of View’s post. Regardless, I need this sadness and anger gone. I just want to love everyone and have everyone love me back. I want nothing but love to flow through my life and those around me. Is that so much to ask? I know I can get there and it starts with me. My first step is this.
I forgive you.
I forgive you for not understanding my situation… or turning a blind eye… or simply not hearing my cries for help. Truth of the matter is I am equally responsible. I had all the phone numbers and pamphlets you can image. The college gave them to me. I even called Safe Horizon once. They talked about moving me out of the borough and that I would likely have to leave my job. I hung up the phone because I was scared to just leave and, as stupid as this sounds, I didn’t want to quit my job at the library. I loved that job and I put it before my own safety on more than one occasion. At the end of the day I just didn’t have the strength to do it alone. I was too afraid. I forgive you even if you disagree that you had any contribution for any of my pain. Even if this is all one-sided I no longer want to have that as something between us.  It is not fair to you and it is not fair to me. I need to put this specific pain firmly behind me because I truly do love you all so much.
Now only if I could forgive myself.

M: Meditation 

I am currently reading through the pamphlet Guide to Meditation by Roy Davis. I had originally downloaded this book on my Kindle… I want to say… almost three years ago. It was either free or under five dollars. I can’t remember off hand and I am too lazy to look it up! In it he states that “Meditation correctly practiced, is simply the process of removing attention from conditions and circumstances which… fragment and cloud our perceptions.”  Simply put it enables us to easily experience other levels of our consciousness. Practice makes perfect and with a daily routine we are more likely to open ourselves up to “physiological and psychological rest” in addition to being spiritually awakened.I will say that I have made several attempts at putting myself on a meditation routine. I mediate maybe two times a week at most. I will also mediate at random times like when I am feeling my anxiety rising. When I feel like this I stop what I am doing, close my eyes, and focus on my breath. Often times this is enough to calm me down.  Just from my limited experience with meditation it has made me wonder what other great things it can do for me in the long haul. 

However, part of my problem is I expect immediate results from myself. If I start to try and lose weight I immediately become disappointed when I wake up the next day looking the same. Yea I know this sounds extreme but I like instant gratification haha.  So it goes without saying, but I will say it anyway, that when I start to mediate I expected to reap all the positive benefits from it in one sitting. David mentions how when you go to meditate that we must leave the anxiety of it behind. The need to be worrying about the outcomes of meditation is kind of counterproductive to the process. That has been my issue with keeping to a schedule. Imagine how much further along I would have been in my spiritual journey should I have practiced every day for the past three years?

Some of his tips for beginning are almost all common sense.

Tip 1- Consider your meditation practice to be the most important activity of your day (I would say put it to a routine such as brushing your teeth… unless you don’t do that every day)

Tip 2- Schedule your meditations at a time when you can give your total attention (For example, I want to take time out during the mornings. Now that I work primarily evenings my mornings are no longer rushed so I can use this time to meditate before I start my day).

Tip 3- Mediate minimally once a day

Tip 4- Find a private spot and make it your personal sanctuary (You are more likely to get into the headspace when you condition yourself to think of a certain area as your meditation zone!)

Davis then goes into the stages of the meditation practice.

1.       Sitting– The most ideal posture is to sit upright (I have often time meditated lying down. To me that felt the most relaxing but sometimes I fall asleep)

2.       Beginning– The book says to begin with a prayer to however you visualize God to be. However, ultimately it is up to you how you want to begin your practice. Another way could be the use of mantras. Focusing on chosen words or short phrases can help pull your attention away from external distractions.

3.       Internalization of attention– means you take your attention away from external distractions and focus inward. (This is usually where I begin but I think I want to try the prayer step.)

4.       Concentration– It is the undisturbed flow of attention to the point of focus

5.       Pure meditation– Uninterrupted flowing of attention to the object being contemplated

6.       Peak experience– When awareness is partially or completely removed from identification with mental processes and transformation, superconsciousness is experienced.

Was this at all useful? I may need to reread this chapter… especially the part about the superconsciousness. The book states that the superconsciousness is natural to our souls and that there we are already free. I am not sure I fully understand what this means but I want to learn.

Most beginners do not experience “spontaneous awakenings” because our awareness is still too involved with our physical senses, emotions, and thoughts. This is the stage I am stuck in.

Does anyone else meditate and have tips for this novice?