Mental pains

I had an appointment with my therapist this morning (I’m super happy she is back from maternity leave). We talked about all the self-deprecative silly thoughts bestowed upon my psyche this past couple weeks.

  1. I turned 35 and I am acting like I am so old. I am getting married soon and I am excited about that… but then I start thinking about kids… and the fact I am still not 100% on where I stand with that… and how I will be 36 if all goes right when I become pregnant for the first time. I know women are having children later in life than in the past but I can’t help feeling scared about it.
  2. I am having many more “I feel fat and ugly” days recently. I am trying to get healthier but every 3 steps forward I fall back 2 1/2. It’s like I can’t east anything without it attaching itself to my stomach. Fat loves my stomach 😦 I don’t place my happiness on being thinner but I really would love to do things without all the extra pain and effort it takes.
  3. My troubled past creeps in from time to time knocking me out of nowhere when it does. This past weekend I was reminded how sometimes… if not most of the time.. people don’t like to get involved in situations that don’t involve them. A conversation was had amongst friends regarding some new loud neighbors… and possible abuse happening. I made the suggestion that the cops be called but I was retorted with a “I don’t want to get involved.” This brought me back to the time my neighbors didn’t call the cops when I was screaming for my life. Instead they called the rental office to complain about the noise level coming from our apartment. This naturally dampened my mood and I ended up crying waiting on a line to buy lake tour tickets.
  4. This led to me hating on myself. I hate that I cry all the time. I hate that these memories and pains can’t just disappear completely from my life. I understand that this is impossible that my past is a part of my but I don’t want it to keep interfering with my future.
  5. This brought my thoughts to what is the point of life and why even exist? No I would never kill myself but that still don’t stop me from questing the point of it all if pain never completely heals.
  6. I actually said the words to myself… I hate being white. Driving through the south we saw a whole lot of confederate flags… a friend who lives down south doesn’t go to certain places because her skin is brown… this superiority complex of some white people does not represent me… so why do I beat up on myself? I don’t treat people like I am better… never have.
  7. I bury my depression in shopping but I need to focus on saving… so my internal struggle to want stuff with the words Harry Potter or Star Wars on it is at odds with my desire to go on vacations… what the hell is wrong with me!

I am in so much mental pain I don’t know what to do with it all.

M: Meditation 

I am currently reading through the pamphlet Guide to Meditation by Roy Davis. I had originally downloaded this book on my Kindle… I want to say… almost three years ago. It was either free or under five dollars. I can’t remember off hand and I am too lazy to look it up! In it he states that “Meditation correctly practiced, is simply the process of removing attention from conditions and circumstances which… fragment and cloud our perceptions.”  Simply put it enables us to easily experience other levels of our consciousness. Practice makes perfect and with a daily routine we are more likely to open ourselves up to “physiological and psychological rest” in addition to being spiritually awakened.I will say that I have made several attempts at putting myself on a meditation routine. I mediate maybe two times a week at most. I will also mediate at random times like when I am feeling my anxiety rising. When I feel like this I stop what I am doing, close my eyes, and focus on my breath. Often times this is enough to calm me down.  Just from my limited experience with meditation it has made me wonder what other great things it can do for me in the long haul. 

However, part of my problem is I expect immediate results from myself. If I start to try and lose weight I immediately become disappointed when I wake up the next day looking the same. Yea I know this sounds extreme but I like instant gratification haha.  So it goes without saying, but I will say it anyway, that when I start to mediate I expected to reap all the positive benefits from it in one sitting. David mentions how when you go to meditate that we must leave the anxiety of it behind. The need to be worrying about the outcomes of meditation is kind of counterproductive to the process. That has been my issue with keeping to a schedule. Imagine how much further along I would have been in my spiritual journey should I have practiced every day for the past three years?

Some of his tips for beginning are almost all common sense.

Tip 1- Consider your meditation practice to be the most important activity of your day (I would say put it to a routine such as brushing your teeth… unless you don’t do that every day)

Tip 2- Schedule your meditations at a time when you can give your total attention (For example, I want to take time out during the mornings. Now that I work primarily evenings my mornings are no longer rushed so I can use this time to meditate before I start my day).

Tip 3- Mediate minimally once a day

Tip 4- Find a private spot and make it your personal sanctuary (You are more likely to get into the headspace when you condition yourself to think of a certain area as your meditation zone!)

Davis then goes into the stages of the meditation practice.

1.       Sitting– The most ideal posture is to sit upright (I have often time meditated lying down. To me that felt the most relaxing but sometimes I fall asleep)

2.       Beginning– The book says to begin with a prayer to however you visualize God to be. However, ultimately it is up to you how you want to begin your practice. Another way could be the use of mantras. Focusing on chosen words or short phrases can help pull your attention away from external distractions.

3.       Internalization of attention– means you take your attention away from external distractions and focus inward. (This is usually where I begin but I think I want to try the prayer step.)

4.       Concentration– It is the undisturbed flow of attention to the point of focus

5.       Pure meditation– Uninterrupted flowing of attention to the object being contemplated

6.       Peak experience– When awareness is partially or completely removed from identification with mental processes and transformation, superconsciousness is experienced.

Was this at all useful? I may need to reread this chapter… especially the part about the superconsciousness. The book states that the superconsciousness is natural to our souls and that there we are already free. I am not sure I fully understand what this means but I want to learn.

Most beginners do not experience “spontaneous awakenings” because our awareness is still too involved with our physical senses, emotions, and thoughts. This is the stage I am stuck in.

Does anyone else meditate and have tips for this novice?

Can’t sleep

I hate this feeling. I always thought it was gone. I’m happy now. I have a great life. But three days without my antidepressant medication and I’m dizzy, irritable, and easy to cry.  I also keep getting flashbacks. I’m trying to sleep and I’m haunted by that twisted face pinning me down and wailing on me. Whipping my arms with a hanger. The scene keeps playing everytime I close my eyes. I feel like damaged goods. 

I went Friday on my day off to pick up my refill only to find out my doctor never called it in. The office was closed when I called and closed until Monday so I guess I get to feel like shit through the weekend. If I’m able to emerge from this by Monday feeling better I’m dumping the doctor and not going back on the medication. I just need to find my strength and pray the dizziness stops. 

Also I’m sorry for not posting all last week. My new job does not allow for recreational internet access and I work late hours so I’ve had to adjust my routine. I have a post nearly ready and I’ll get that to you sometime tomorrow. 

As you can imagine I’ve been very upset thinking I was over all this crying all day crap. I feel like a fraud with my positivity challenge. Maybe this lack of medicine causing my crying and general emotional rollercoaster is all my head. I pray that whatever it is be lifted from me because I hate this feeling. 

E: Eliminating News

E: Eliminating News

I was stressed so bad from the last months of 2016 up until around February. The stress was so bad that it was directly affecting my body. I was having chest pains nearly everyday. I was susceptible to crying because of the betrayal I was feeling. It messed up my lady cycle so bad that for three months I didn’t get a normal period. I finally reached my wits end so I went on a blocking spree of news outlets on all of my social media accounts.  Continue reading

Crying starts with C #atozchallenge

Crying starts with C #atozchallenge

I was contemplating all day what in the world will my “C” thing be on how I can become more positive. Then I had an complete panic attack about fifteen minutes ago. Over the past three days my eyelids have been having spasm issues. They get all tight and shut as they shake under the weight of my eyelashes. This is followed by the feeling that my throat is closing up. Right behind the throat closure I start to get the urge to burp. The problem is that I am unable to burp and this leads me to feeling like I cannot breath. The need to burp is a new thing that started this past week. With all this going on at once my anxiety is heightened and my hands began trembling. Last but not least my boyfriend asked if I was okay and that broke my seal. I began a full body cry.  I cried to the point that I became lightheaded and my legs weakened. My face then tingled and the hyperventilating commenced. Continue reading

A to Z guide for a more positive life: A is for Affirmations #AtoZChallenge

A to Z guide for a more positive life: A is for Affirmations #AtoZChallenge

I feel like I say this often but I am sorry for my absence. I am in a couple of life transitional phases that I will be talking about as they become confirmed.  One of them, as you may have guessed from my previous post, is that I am changing jobs. I will be starting my new librarian job next week. I am full of nervous energy but that is for a later post I have been working on.  Continue reading

Cleaning out the clutter…

Cleaning out the clutter…

For as long as I can remember I have always been a saver. I can find a sentimental value to nearly anything. This is probably why archiving would be a tough job for me. As a historian I see value in random things. They tell us stories if we are willing to listen to them. I remember how hard it was for me the first time I was asked to weed out books. Who cares if they are old! After all, they are a reflection of the ideas of their time. Come to think of it maybe this is the answer to that weakness question that interviewers ask… It is a weakness because I don’t want to do it but I would also want to get the job done. Many times I found weeded books interesting and therefore saved them for myself. HEY I just learned something new about myself so this is automatically a good day!

Anyway back to my collecting… I used to have boxes full of random things. Schoolwork I completed in grade school, report cards, articles I printed, and papers I wrote. I had albums of baseball cards, trophies from my cheerleading days, old clothes I used to wear that I loved but no longer fit. Old uniforms and sashes with earned girl scout badges, pom poms, movies, music, and my Backstreet Boys paraphernalia collection. I am positive there is much more but I try to not remember. If I can’t recall it I can’t miss it right?

I use past tense because all of these possessions were lost to me through an unpaid storage unit of my parents. I was living with my ex at the time so I found out about it months afterwards. I was pretty darn upset about it when it happened but it is not like I had the money to save the stuff as I was always broke. Nonetheless it hurt.

So I am living with a crazy person and as you know that stuff was less than safe (ripped clothes, broken glasses, cracked kindle… you remember right I don’t need to repeat it right?).  Yet these things were all I had. Add to that the feeling of having no where to go I was scared out of my mind to leave with nothing but whatever I could carry. I had no money to buy clothes. I had no money to do anything. So I stayed I guess partially due to fear of losing everything. My life felt like a down spiral that would never end.

When the time came that he let me go live with my aunt I had a duffel bag with some of my clothes and nothing else. All my other stuff such as a the rest of my clothes, a cable box, router, books and personal papers were left behind. These things would be recovered seven month later when he moved out of state and return what remained. In the meantime I remember sitting in my makeshift room feeling numb, lost, but yet unburdened. It was a nice feeling to not be bogged down by things. Things after all are not most important.  My safety was. It was at this point that I let go of my boxes of self history.

Fast-forward to present. I now live in my own house and I am terrified of filling it up with random things I will never touch or use. I want to buy these shelving units but in the back of my head I don’t because it is more stuff to clean. I love to decorate but at the same time I don’t want to look back 30 years from now and see an attic full of holiday decor collecting dust. I decided to do staples and fill in the rest with dollar store decorations but then throwing them away is bad for the environment. I can’t fully win. Yet I have two things I have no issue collecting. Clothes and Funko pops. I need to get that under control but those darn pops are so f-in cute!

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My latest bunch of pretties. Thank goodness they are inexpensive!

However, I noticed that there are many things that I have in the house that need not be… so like last year I will be participating in Lent even though I am not currently wholly religious. Last year I decided to give up shopping. Hardest 40 days but I did it. This year I am doing something a little different. I will be aiming to get rid of minimally one thing every day either for donation (or garbage). I will set up a box in my office to place donated items in and when lent is over I will take it to a donation center.

The idea came about from a weight watchers meeting about having less clutter will make you happy and therefore you will not overeat. At least that is what I got out of that meeting. I am a notorious emotional eater and I am well aware of how clutter makes me anxious so out it has to go! I think this experiment will be great for my mental health. It definitely got me thinking about whether or not there is an actual correlation between weight gain and clutter?

What will you be doing?

Essay 8/52