Wedding Dress shopping while Plus-Sized

Wedding dress sizes

There is no greater time to ignore a size than when you are shopping for a wedding dress. I have said it once and I’ll say it again… the number on your clothes does not and will not ever define you!  Yet no matter how hard I try to apply my words to myself; I will admit there was a punch to my self-esteem as I was squeezing into a dress two sizes bigger than my everyday clothes. I ended up asking the same question I am sure tons of other brides asked. Why do these dresses run so small? So I googled it.

Continue reading

A to Z guide for a more positive life: A is for Affirmations #AtoZChallenge

A to Z guide for a more positive life: A is for Affirmations #AtoZChallenge

I feel like I say this often but I am sorry for my absence. I am in a couple of life transitional phases that I will be talking about as they become confirmed.  One of them, as you may have guessed from my previous post, is that I am changing jobs. I will be starting my new librarian job next week. I am full of nervous energy but that is for a later post I have been working on.  Continue reading

My First Post Revisited

My First Post Revisited

One of my longest blogging buddies Giggling Fattie tagged me for the #MyFirstPostRevisited challenge.

I will be stealing What Sandra Thinks corrected rules! I want to participate but then my annoying inner insecure self doesn’t want to bother people. I never get bothered by these just so you all know! I enjoy them.

Here’s what I’m supposed to going to do…

» Copy and paste your old post into a new post or reblog your own bad self. (Either way is fine but NO editing.)
» Put the hashtag #MyFirstPostRevisited in your title.
» Tag five other bloggers to take up this challenge.
» Notify your tags in the comment section of their blog
» Feel free to cut and paste the badge to use in your post.
» Include the rules in your post.

I think a reintroduction is a great idea. My blog has grown significantly since I began nearly a year and a half ago. I think at times I have stepped away from what I said my goals were when I began. However, the more I thought about it the more I realized that this blog often flows with the way my mind works… jumping to random topics. I have worked all that out… after all it is my blog!  Without further ado here is my very first post But let me first write an introduction. It was done probably 2 to 3 weeks after I signed up with WordPress. I was overwhelmed by the emptiness of my newly minted blog that I waited for one of the Blogging 101 classes to begin before I posted anything. It was a fun class that brought me to many of you!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I would like to begin my blogging adventure with a short introduction and intent for what I will be sharing with whoever stumbles across my ramblings. My name is Stephanie and I am 33 year old woman from New York City. Like so many people I have had a life long struggle with allowing others to shape my opinions of myself. Over the past year my life has changed in so many profound ways that I have had this nagging feeling to write about it. That is why I have begun this blog. I am blogging publicly because I want to join in the body positive revolution by contributing my story and journey in hopes of helping others. I also want to contribute to the fight to end emotional, mental, and physical abuse. I hope to inspire others to do the same because no two peoples’ stories are the similar. We may share in the struggle but we each handle them in our own unique ways. We can learn from one another. Form a community with a stronghold of support. It took me decades to finally get a grip on myself and now I want to extend the invitation to join me on my journey to sustainable happiness and self-acceptance.

The title of this blog, “When I thought I was fat,” was born from my constant complaining about how “I wish I was the weight I was when I thought I was fat.” A mouth full I know, hence the shorter title, but for me, there is no truer statement. Ever since I was around six years old I believed myself to look like a “rollie pollie.” This was a result of how adults spoke to me and how it made me feel. From my cheerleading coaches to family members, no one was exempt from my overpowering abilities to let the words of others shape my self-esteem as I grew up.

Yet now when I look at old photographs of myself I do not see a “rollie pollie.” I see an active child. An athletic child. A child capable of doing all the same things, and sometimes even more, than children that were considered “thin” or “light.” I see a young high school girl that wore clothes that were entirely too big to hide this hideous thing people called “fat.” Yet I sit here now typing my first blog 70 pounds away from my high school weight wishing so bad to get that number back.

I began diets every Monday. Meal skipped. Joined a gym. Began weight watchers. Gave up. Rejoined a gym. Rejoined weight watchers. Starved myself. I was stressed and living in an unhealthy environment where I was made to feel worthless by a man who claimed to care for me. I wasn’t good enough as I was. I wasn’t pretty until I was thin. I didn’t deserve the respect of a man until I was thin. Everything was just on the other side of the “until I was thin.” All this accumulated to my highest weight of 338 lbs. Last June I joined weight watchers for the last time. Ditched the gym because I discovered long walks worked best for me. Through the support of my family, friends, weight watchers groups, and therapy, I have learned to take things day by day. I learned that I am more than just a number on a scale. I learned to be happy with myself as I am now. I have not mastered self-acceptance perfectly but I am so much stronger than I was two years ago.

 

I love myself but I want to lose weight…

I love myself but I want to lose weight…

I believe in being body positive. I believe in everyone loving themselves as they are and not needing to force change. I tell people all the time how they should not care what others think. I tell them that they are beautiful and that if someone has negative shit to say that it is a reflection on the person speaking and not themselves.  When I tell people these things I am being the utmost sincere. I don’t say what I don’t mean. The only problem is when I am speaking these things to myself. Continue reading

Out with the old: Happy New Year!

Out with the old: Happy New Year!

Happy New Year my lovely followers!

This will be my yearly yearly review. I will discuss where I have been and what I hope to achieve over the next year. I will also take a peek at my stats for 2016. I used to obsess about them but I barley pay attention to them anymore. Last year I promised myself that I would just do my thing and if people decided to jump on my bandwagon and follow along my path then the more the merrier!

Continue reading

Seed of Embarrassment

Seed of Embarrassment

I am happy to introduce my first contribution from the writer of the blog I will not live in vain.

This story comes from the perspective of a woman who was admired for her thinness and when she began to change she began to doubt her self worth and attractiveness. Through my experiences I understand how the attention of men correlates with your self-worth. I believe that certain types of men notice this in a woman and take advantage of it. There are two that I personally came across that fed off my low self-esteem and I’d be more than happy to share those stories at another time. It wouldn’t be until I met my boyfriend that I snapped out of that delusion. A man that makes you feel less is not a man worth having around and a man that builds you up is one you’ll never want to let go.

You are beautiful just the way you are 🙂

Continue reading

Ode to arms

I’m my worst critic… but aren’t we all? I am the first person to jump on my imperfections and criticize myself. For one I can say with certainty that I never liked my arms. Besides the fact my ex called them man arms they are also full of scars. Scars from being whipped with a rod or hanger or fists of fury. Continue reading