Mental pains

I had an appointment with my therapist this morning (I’m super happy she is back from maternity leave). We talked about all the self-deprecative silly thoughts bestowed upon my psyche this past couple weeks.

  1. I turned 35 and I am acting like I am so old. I am getting married soon and I am excited about that… but then I start thinking about kids… and the fact I am still not 100% on where I stand with that… and how I will be 36 if all goes right when I become pregnant for the first time. I know women are having children later in life than in the past but I can’t help feeling scared about it.
  2. I am having many more “I feel fat and ugly” days recently. I am trying to get healthier but every 3 steps forward I fall back 2 1/2. It’s like I can’t east anything without it attaching itself to my stomach. Fat loves my stomach 😦 I don’t place my happiness on being thinner but I really would love to do things without all the extra pain and effort it takes.
  3. My troubled past creeps in from time to time knocking me out of nowhere when it does. This past weekend I was reminded how sometimes… if not most of the time.. people don’t like to get involved in situations that don’t involve them. A conversation was had amongst friends regarding some new loud neighbors… and possible abuse happening. I made the suggestion that the cops be called but I was retorted with a “I don’t want to get involved.” This brought me back to the time my neighbors didn’t call the cops when I was screaming for my life. Instead they called the rental office to complain about the noise level coming from our apartment. This naturally dampened my mood and I ended up crying waiting on a line to buy lake tour tickets.
  4. This led to me hating on myself. I hate that I cry all the time. I hate that these memories and pains can’t just disappear completely from my life. I understand that this is impossible that my past is a part of my but I don’t want it to keep interfering with my future.
  5. This brought my thoughts to what is the point of life and why even exist? No I would never kill myself but that still don’t stop me from questing the point of it all if pain never completely heals.
  6. I actually said the words to myself… I hate being white. Driving through the south we saw a whole lot of confederate flags… a friend who lives down south doesn’t go to certain places because her skin is brown… this superiority complex of some white people does not represent me… so why do I beat up on myself? I don’t treat people like I am better… never have.
  7. I bury my depression in shopping but I need to focus on saving… so my internal struggle to want stuff with the words Harry Potter or Star Wars on it is at odds with my desire to go on vacations… what the hell is wrong with me!

I am in so much mental pain I don’t know what to do with it all.

I just need to vent

I just watched a video where disabled American citizens were dragged out of their wheel chairs and carried off from a protest. This enraged me. No matter what you say nothing absolutely NOTHING justifies what happened. These are concerned Americans trying to have their voices heard. They are part of the collective whole that are the EMPLOYERS of these asswipes running the country making laws that will hurt them. It made me extremely sad to see such a display against humanity. What if in the future I have a child and they were born with a disability or whatever other pre-existing conditions are out there. This country is not going to give a shit about that child’s health. They only care about their God- Money. They bow down to Money without a single care in the world for who they are screwing over. Why would I want to put a potential child through such torment? They can’t be under our health insurance forever and what if, god forbid, someone loses a job or something else happens? I don’t want any children I have to suffer and this is my main concern against having children that I can’t get past. I don’t want them to suffer. I would hate myself.

This country has lost its soul. I am feeling really depressed right now.

M: Meditation 

I am currently reading through the pamphlet Guide to Meditation by Roy Davis. I had originally downloaded this book on my Kindle… I want to say… almost three years ago. It was either free or under five dollars. I can’t remember off hand and I am too lazy to look it up! In it he states that “Meditation correctly practiced, is simply the process of removing attention from conditions and circumstances which… fragment and cloud our perceptions.”  Simply put it enables us to easily experience other levels of our consciousness. Practice makes perfect and with a daily routine we are more likely to open ourselves up to “physiological and psychological rest” in addition to being spiritually awakened.I will say that I have made several attempts at putting myself on a meditation routine. I mediate maybe two times a week at most. I will also mediate at random times like when I am feeling my anxiety rising. When I feel like this I stop what I am doing, close my eyes, and focus on my breath. Often times this is enough to calm me down.  Just from my limited experience with meditation it has made me wonder what other great things it can do for me in the long haul. 

However, part of my problem is I expect immediate results from myself. If I start to try and lose weight I immediately become disappointed when I wake up the next day looking the same. Yea I know this sounds extreme but I like instant gratification haha.  So it goes without saying, but I will say it anyway, that when I start to mediate I expected to reap all the positive benefits from it in one sitting. David mentions how when you go to meditate that we must leave the anxiety of it behind. The need to be worrying about the outcomes of meditation is kind of counterproductive to the process. That has been my issue with keeping to a schedule. Imagine how much further along I would have been in my spiritual journey should I have practiced every day for the past three years?

Some of his tips for beginning are almost all common sense.

Tip 1- Consider your meditation practice to be the most important activity of your day (I would say put it to a routine such as brushing your teeth… unless you don’t do that every day)

Tip 2- Schedule your meditations at a time when you can give your total attention (For example, I want to take time out during the mornings. Now that I work primarily evenings my mornings are no longer rushed so I can use this time to meditate before I start my day).

Tip 3- Mediate minimally once a day

Tip 4- Find a private spot and make it your personal sanctuary (You are more likely to get into the headspace when you condition yourself to think of a certain area as your meditation zone!)

Davis then goes into the stages of the meditation practice.

1.       Sitting– The most ideal posture is to sit upright (I have often time meditated lying down. To me that felt the most relaxing but sometimes I fall asleep)

2.       Beginning– The book says to begin with a prayer to however you visualize God to be. However, ultimately it is up to you how you want to begin your practice. Another way could be the use of mantras. Focusing on chosen words or short phrases can help pull your attention away from external distractions.

3.       Internalization of attention– means you take your attention away from external distractions and focus inward. (This is usually where I begin but I think I want to try the prayer step.)

4.       Concentration– It is the undisturbed flow of attention to the point of focus

5.       Pure meditation– Uninterrupted flowing of attention to the object being contemplated

6.       Peak experience– When awareness is partially or completely removed from identification with mental processes and transformation, superconsciousness is experienced.

Was this at all useful? I may need to reread this chapter… especially the part about the superconsciousness. The book states that the superconsciousness is natural to our souls and that there we are already free. I am not sure I fully understand what this means but I want to learn.

Most beginners do not experience “spontaneous awakenings” because our awareness is still too involved with our physical senses, emotions, and thoughts. This is the stage I am stuck in.

Does anyone else meditate and have tips for this novice?

Can’t sleep

I hate this feeling. I always thought it was gone. I’m happy now. I have a great life. But three days without my antidepressant medication and I’m dizzy, irritable, and easy to cry.  I also keep getting flashbacks. I’m trying to sleep and I’m haunted by that twisted face pinning me down and wailing on me. Whipping my arms with a hanger. The scene keeps playing everytime I close my eyes. I feel like damaged goods. 

I went Friday on my day off to pick up my refill only to find out my doctor never called it in. The office was closed when I called and closed until Monday so I guess I get to feel like shit through the weekend. If I’m able to emerge from this by Monday feeling better I’m dumping the doctor and not going back on the medication. I just need to find my strength and pray the dizziness stops. 

Also I’m sorry for not posting all last week. My new job does not allow for recreational internet access and I work late hours so I’ve had to adjust my routine. I have a post nearly ready and I’ll get that to you sometime tomorrow. 

As you can imagine I’ve been very upset thinking I was over all this crying all day crap. I feel like a fraud with my positivity challenge. Maybe this lack of medicine causing my crying and general emotional rollercoaster is all my head. I pray that whatever it is be lifted from me because I hate this feeling. 

Crying starts with C #atozchallenge

Crying starts with C #atozchallenge

I was contemplating all day what in the world will my “C” thing be on how I can become more positive. Then I had an complete panic attack about fifteen minutes ago. Over the past three days my eyelids have been having spasm issues. They get all tight and shut as they shake under the weight of my eyelashes. This is followed by the feeling that my throat is closing up. Right behind the throat closure I start to get the urge to burp. The problem is that I am unable to burp and this leads me to feeling like I cannot breath. The need to burp is a new thing that started this past week. With all this going on at once my anxiety is heightened and my hands began trembling. Last but not least my boyfriend asked if I was okay and that broke my seal. I began a full body cry.  I cried to the point that I became lightheaded and my legs weakened. My face then tingled and the hyperventilating commenced. Continue reading

A to Z guide for a more positive life: A is for Affirmations #AtoZChallenge

A to Z guide for a more positive life: A is for Affirmations #AtoZChallenge

I feel like I say this often but I am sorry for my absence. I am in a couple of life transitional phases that I will be talking about as they become confirmed.  One of them, as you may have guessed from my previous post, is that I am changing jobs. I will be starting my new librarian job next week. I am full of nervous energy but that is for a later post I have been working on.  Continue reading



It is a burning fire
In the pit of my gut
Will not bow to a crier
Now I’m stuck in a rut

Feeling scared alone
A stranger among many
Throwing chips down for one
Who wouldn’t loan you a penny

The fire is growing
With every daily addition
My energy is flowing
To fight this transition