Not all book series are for you

Not all book series are for you

I am the type of person who hates not finishing something. It is why all these years later I am still playing the original game Candy Crush on my phone. I am determined to get to the last level but the dam creators keep adding more and more… I believe they are past 2000 and I am only on level 1270! At this rate I don’t know if I will ever catch up as I refuse to spend any real money on buying boosters and gold bars!

I am not just a dedicated phone gamer I am also a lover of reading. I love a good series… cough Harry Potter.. cough Star Wars… cough. I am always on the watch for new ones or ones I may have missed. Every now and then I am pointed in the direction of a series I am told I would enjoy. Game of Thrones is one of them but I am fearful to start it. I hear Martin has no qualms about killing off characters and I have attachment issues with my favorites… sniff Snape sniff. The other series that was suggested was Diana Gabaldon’s Outlander. I read some reviews on it and it seemed to be well loved… plus it is 8 books long! It would have solved by “what will I read next” issue for a while. It addition, it is currently a Starz program. I was basically given months of potential entertainment!

So I picked up the first book to get started… if you haven’t read or seen the series and don’t wish to be spoiled I created this page break for your safety! Continue reading

Mental pains

I had an appointment with my therapist this morning (I’m super happy she is back from maternity leave). We talked about all the self-deprecative silly thoughts bestowed upon my psyche this past couple weeks.

  1. I turned 35 and I am acting like I am so old. I am getting married soon and I am excited about that… but then I start thinking about kids… and the fact I am still not 100% on where I stand with that… and how I will be 36 if all goes right when I become pregnant for the first time. I know women are having children later in life than in the past but I can’t help feeling scared about it.
  2. I am having many more “I feel fat and ugly” days recently. I am trying to get healthier but every 3 steps forward I fall back 2 1/2. It’s like I can’t east anything without it attaching itself to my stomach. Fat loves my stomach 😦 I don’t place my happiness on being thinner but I really would love to do things without all the extra pain and effort it takes.
  3. My troubled past creeps in from time to time knocking me out of nowhere when it does. This past weekend I was reminded how sometimes… if not most of the time.. people don’t like to get involved in situations that don’t involve them. A conversation was had amongst friends regarding some new loud neighbors… and possible abuse happening. I made the suggestion that the cops be called but I was retorted with a “I don’t want to get involved.” This brought me back to the time my neighbors didn’t call the cops when I was screaming for my life. Instead they called the rental office to complain about the noise level coming from our apartment. This naturally dampened my mood and I ended up crying waiting on a line to buy lake tour tickets.
  4. This led to me hating on myself. I hate that I cry all the time. I hate that these memories and pains can’t just disappear completely from my life. I understand that this is impossible that my past is a part of my but I don’t want it to keep interfering with my future.
  5. This brought my thoughts to what is the point of life and why even exist? No I would never kill myself but that still don’t stop me from questing the point of it all if pain never completely heals.
  6. I actually said the words to myself… I hate being white. Driving through the south we saw a whole lot of confederate flags… a friend who lives down south doesn’t go to certain places because her skin is brown… this superiority complex of some white people does not represent me… so why do I beat up on myself? I don’t treat people like I am better… never have.
  7. I bury my depression in shopping but I need to focus on saving… so my internal struggle to want stuff with the words Harry Potter or Star Wars on it is at odds with my desire to go on vacations… what the hell is wrong with me!

I am in so much mental pain I don’t know what to do with it all.

Can’t sleep

I hate this feeling. I always thought it was gone. I’m happy now. I have a great life. But three days without my antidepressant medication and I’m dizzy, irritable, and easy to cry.  I also keep getting flashbacks. I’m trying to sleep and I’m haunted by that twisted face pinning me down and wailing on me. Whipping my arms with a hanger. The scene keeps playing everytime I close my eyes. I feel like damaged goods. 

I went Friday on my day off to pick up my refill only to find out my doctor never called it in. The office was closed when I called and closed until Monday so I guess I get to feel like shit through the weekend. If I’m able to emerge from this by Monday feeling better I’m dumping the doctor and not going back on the medication. I just need to find my strength and pray the dizziness stops. 

Also I’m sorry for not posting all last week. My new job does not allow for recreational internet access and I work late hours so I’ve had to adjust my routine. I have a post nearly ready and I’ll get that to you sometime tomorrow. 

As you can imagine I’ve been very upset thinking I was over all this crying all day crap. I feel like a fraud with my positivity challenge. Maybe this lack of medicine causing my crying and general emotional rollercoaster is all my head. I pray that whatever it is be lifted from me because I hate this feeling. 

A to Z guide for a more positive life: A is for Affirmations #AtoZChallenge

A to Z guide for a more positive life: A is for Affirmations #AtoZChallenge

I feel like I say this often but I am sorry for my absence. I am in a couple of life transitional phases that I will be talking about as they become confirmed.  One of them, as you may have guessed from my previous post, is that I am changing jobs. I will be starting my new librarian job next week. I am full of nervous energy but that is for a later post I have been working on.  Continue reading

My First Post Revisited

My First Post Revisited

One of my longest blogging buddies Giggling Fattie tagged me for the #MyFirstPostRevisited challenge.

I will be stealing What Sandra Thinks corrected rules! I want to participate but then my annoying inner insecure self doesn’t want to bother people. I never get bothered by these just so you all know! I enjoy them.

Here’s what I’m supposed to going to do…

» Copy and paste your old post into a new post or reblog your own bad self. (Either way is fine but NO editing.)
» Put the hashtag #MyFirstPostRevisited in your title.
» Tag five other bloggers to take up this challenge.
» Notify your tags in the comment section of their blog
» Feel free to cut and paste the badge to use in your post.
» Include the rules in your post.

I think a reintroduction is a great idea. My blog has grown significantly since I began nearly a year and a half ago. I think at times I have stepped away from what I said my goals were when I began. However, the more I thought about it the more I realized that this blog often flows with the way my mind works… jumping to random topics. I have worked all that out… after all it is my blog!  Without further ado here is my very first post But let me first write an introduction. It was done probably 2 to 3 weeks after I signed up with WordPress. I was overwhelmed by the emptiness of my newly minted blog that I waited for one of the Blogging 101 classes to begin before I posted anything. It was a fun class that brought me to many of you!

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I would like to begin my blogging adventure with a short introduction and intent for what I will be sharing with whoever stumbles across my ramblings. My name is Stephanie and I am 33 year old woman from New York City. Like so many people I have had a life long struggle with allowing others to shape my opinions of myself. Over the past year my life has changed in so many profound ways that I have had this nagging feeling to write about it. That is why I have begun this blog. I am blogging publicly because I want to join in the body positive revolution by contributing my story and journey in hopes of helping others. I also want to contribute to the fight to end emotional, mental, and physical abuse. I hope to inspire others to do the same because no two peoples’ stories are the similar. We may share in the struggle but we each handle them in our own unique ways. We can learn from one another. Form a community with a stronghold of support. It took me decades to finally get a grip on myself and now I want to extend the invitation to join me on my journey to sustainable happiness and self-acceptance.

The title of this blog, “When I thought I was fat,” was born from my constant complaining about how “I wish I was the weight I was when I thought I was fat.” A mouth full I know, hence the shorter title, but for me, there is no truer statement. Ever since I was around six years old I believed myself to look like a “rollie pollie.” This was a result of how adults spoke to me and how it made me feel. From my cheerleading coaches to family members, no one was exempt from my overpowering abilities to let the words of others shape my self-esteem as I grew up.

Yet now when I look at old photographs of myself I do not see a “rollie pollie.” I see an active child. An athletic child. A child capable of doing all the same things, and sometimes even more, than children that were considered “thin” or “light.” I see a young high school girl that wore clothes that were entirely too big to hide this hideous thing people called “fat.” Yet I sit here now typing my first blog 70 pounds away from my high school weight wishing so bad to get that number back.

I began diets every Monday. Meal skipped. Joined a gym. Began weight watchers. Gave up. Rejoined a gym. Rejoined weight watchers. Starved myself. I was stressed and living in an unhealthy environment where I was made to feel worthless by a man who claimed to care for me. I wasn’t good enough as I was. I wasn’t pretty until I was thin. I didn’t deserve the respect of a man until I was thin. Everything was just on the other side of the “until I was thin.” All this accumulated to my highest weight of 338 lbs. Last June I joined weight watchers for the last time. Ditched the gym because I discovered long walks worked best for me. Through the support of my family, friends, weight watchers groups, and therapy, I have learned to take things day by day. I learned that I am more than just a number on a scale. I learned to be happy with myself as I am now. I have not mastered self-acceptance perfectly but I am so much stronger than I was two years ago.

 

Spiritual abuse and my fallout with religion

Spiritual abuse and my fallout with religion

Every time I have a question about the abuse I went through I turn to my handy dandy book, It’s My Life Now: Starting over after an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence. This truly has been a wonderful resource and has made me realize what I went through was not unique. Many of the situations mentioned in the book I was able to check off.  From the book I was able to identify the physical, emotional, and financial abuse that I was subjected. Today I ruminate about a recent discovery. Another set of dots I can connect on trying to figure out why my attitude and feelings I have changed Continue reading