Do good and good comes back

Do good and good comes back

I am a firm believe if you do good then good will find its way back to you. This is how I try to live my life. There is enough hatred and anger in the world that I try to spread the love to the best of my abilities. Am I perfect at this? No. For instance, there are plenty of times where I won’t give people money on the street. Sometimes it is because I really don’t have any or I am simply scared (depending on time of day… I’m more afraid of others in the night time hours… and I don’t care what color your skin is I am just a natural born jitterbug when the sun goes down). I believe people term this cause and effect relationship as Karma. Continue reading

O: Observing my feelings

This post is me trying to work out my thoughts and feelings over the past 3 ½ years since the abuse ended. If I am wrong and define something incorrectly feel free to let me know.

What brought me to here was something I read in the post, Motivational Monday Moment, written by one of my favorite bloggers “A Thomas Point of View.”

From what I took away from her post is that if you still feel pain you have not forgiven. I have previously written about forgiveness and how I have developed a negative view of the concept. You can read about it here if you like Spiritual abuse and my fallout with religion.

I still have many questions like
1. Does God give forgiveness to people who are premeditative in their violence?
2. Does he just blanket forgive or does he need to know in your deepest of hearts that you are truly reformed?
I seriously don’t like how negative and cynical I have become regarding anything of religious nature. The good part is that I understand where it is rooted. What I need to realized and accept is that no matter what… when a group of people gather there will always be bad apples. Why these bad apples need to relentlessly find me, however, escapes me at the moment.  Also, it is not that I don’t believe in spirituality or God. I honestly do think there is more to us than our human forms. I believe in an afterlife and from all the books I have been reading it sounds wonderful and comforting. Yet still I fear death.
Anyway what is bringing this topic back to the forefront was this past weekend. I had a flashback relapse when I was off my medicine. I was remembering a specific abusive event… became overwhelmingly angry towards my immediate family members… woke up my boyfriend asking for a hug… then fell asleep before him.  My biggest question for myself is why do I still feel that anger? I have gathered that the reason is due to not having really forgiven anyone for their perceived negligence towards me.
I just cannot completely wrap my head around forgiveness but that is at a larger level. I need to look at it from a smaller perspective. I need to think about what forgiving people can do for my mental health and personal relationships. I have come to understand that because I hold onto the past I continue to let myself feel like people don’t care. It causes tension for me and sometimes I cannot look anyone in the eyes. Here is a quick example of how my holding on to the past can wreak havoc for the present…
You know how people like to call those who felt betrayed by family members who voted Trump “crybabies.” What a terrible assumption. I am in this named group of “crybabies” because I absolutely felt betrayed by my family when they all lined up to vote for that moron who treats women like objects and is sexually abusive. As a person who was abused, and still apparently holding onto it, it felt like I was right back in that relationship with a narcissist asshole and I was invisible to everyone. I thought to myself how can they vote for someone like and defend his horrible words towards women when I was sitting right there. I lived through someone treating me poorly. Don’t defend it in front of me. That is why I get so burnt up when I see this “crybaby” term being thrown around. Unless you walked in the persons shoes and lived their life you have no right to pass judgment (I make every effort possible to live by these words but I know I can be better.)  Plus, the internet has provided a safe space for people to bully others but that is a whole other issue.
The lesson learned here was that holding onto the past created a stressful situation in my present which messed up my biological womanly functions for three months. I still don’t know how to deal with it but at least I can recognize where my problem can be found.
It is true that ultimately we are the controllers of our emotions. Yes people can cause us pain but we can chose how we react to it. I suppose I hold on to resentment because I am looking at it in terms of fairness. If I let something go then the person/people who hurt me get off scotch free. No harm no foul. I let it go and it would be like it never happened. I am giving them carpe diem.  How is that fair? Truth is it shouldn’t be about fairness.
1. What do you gain by holding onto resentments?
2. How do you know how the other person/people are feeling? You’re no mind reader!
First, I gain nothing but sadness and anger when I hold onto resentments. By forgiving and truly letting go I can free myself from this dreaded inner cycle. I understand the “what” I just need to execute the “how.” I believe I will find the “how” through a meditation practice. My family is important to me. I held on to the bitterness because I wanted them to understand my point of view on my life and how I felt. Secondly, whether they do or not, for my own wellbeing, I need to let it go and truly forgive. I don’t know what I need from them, but I cannot keep trying to seek the unknown while at the same time punishing everyone whenever I feel the anger resurfacing. I am a happy girl. I am grateful for my wonderful life. The fact that I still felt pain meant that I never forgave. I was displaying something called grace… if I understood A Thomas Point of View’s post. Regardless, I need this sadness and anger gone. I just want to love everyone and have everyone love me back. I want nothing but love to flow through my life and those around me. Is that so much to ask? I know I can get there and it starts with me. My first step is this.
I forgive you.
I forgive you for not understanding my situation… or turning a blind eye… or simply not hearing my cries for help. Truth of the matter is I am equally responsible. I had all the phone numbers and pamphlets you can image. The college gave them to me. I even called Safe Horizon once. They talked about moving me out of the borough and that I would likely have to leave my job. I hung up the phone because I was scared to just leave and, as stupid as this sounds, I didn’t want to quit my job at the library. I loved that job and I put it before my own safety on more than one occasion. At the end of the day I just didn’t have the strength to do it alone. I was too afraid. I forgive you even if you disagree that you had any contribution for any of my pain. Even if this is all one-sided I no longer want to have that as something between us.  It is not fair to you and it is not fair to me. I need to put this specific pain firmly behind me because I truly do love you all so much.
Now only if I could forgive myself.

Domestic Violence is not a Partisan Issue

Domestic Violence is not a Partisan Issue

The Daily prompt of the day is the word simple so I have a very simple request.

Whether we dislike or like Trump I think the one thing we can agree on is that Domestic Violence is not a partisan issue. If we don’t then I don’t know what to say because abuse is not love.

I previously posted a few days back in Why I marched, the Violence Against Women Act is on the chopping block and if cut would be terrible news. If you want, no pressure believe me I’ll still read your blogs, please go to the National Network to end Domestic Violence site and send a letter to your representatives if you live in the United States. You don’t even have to write anything they fill it all out for you!

Tell Congress: Violence Against Women Act Funding is Under Threat

Have a great rest of your day!

 

Why I marched

Why I marched

As I am sure many of you have heard, this past Saturday was the “Women’s March.” It was held not only around the United States but across many countries. I had the pleasure of participating in the one that was held in New York City. I originally thought I would head down to DC but my growing anxiety for large gatherings kept me in my home city. The thinking here was that so long as I am in NYC I know how to get home should I have an attack of some sort. Funny part is there were hundreds of thousands of marchers and I never once felt anxious.

Continue reading

Give A Smile – Dental Surgery

Give A Smile – Dental Surgery

sharing-is-caring-l

As you all know by now I am a survivor of Domestic Violence. I talk about it frequently because it is part of my life and writing about it helps me heal. After this past US election I decided that I need to do more than just talk about my past. I need to be more of an advocate with things I believe in. Continue reading

Were you in an abusive relationship?

Were you in an abusive relationship?

I’m reblogging this in honor of Domestic violence awareness month. This was my first real examination.

I found myself alone sitting in a house that was familiar but not at the same time. It had been ages since I had been there. I felt like a stranger to those called my family. I felt awkward and out of place. Honestly I still do sometimes. But I had nowhere to go.

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When no one believes you

When no one believes you

I feel compelled. No obligated to write something on the Amber Heard and Johnny Depp fiasco of a divorce. After all it is a purpose of mine to discuss my experiences with domestic abuse and share my insights and struggles with the aftermath. Continue reading