O: Observing my feelings

This post is me trying to work out my thoughts and feelings over the past 3 ½ years since the abuse ended. If I am wrong and define something incorrectly feel free to let me know.

What brought me to here was something I read in the post, Motivational Monday Moment, written by one of my favorite bloggers “A Thomas Point of View.”

From what I took away from her post is that if you still feel pain you have not forgiven. I have previously written about forgiveness and how I have developed a negative view of the concept. You can read about it here if you like Spiritual abuse and my fallout with religion.

I still have many questions like
1. Does God give forgiveness to people who are premeditative in their violence?
2. Does he just blanket forgive or does he need to know in your deepest of hearts that you are truly reformed?
I seriously don’t like how negative and cynical I have become regarding anything of religious nature. The good part is that I understand where it is rooted. What I need to realized and accept is that no matter what… when a group of people gather there will always be bad apples. Why these bad apples need to relentlessly find me, however, escapes me at the moment.  Also, it is not that I don’t believe in spirituality or God. I honestly do think there is more to us than our human forms. I believe in an afterlife and from all the books I have been reading it sounds wonderful and comforting. Yet still I fear death.
Anyway what is bringing this topic back to the forefront was this past weekend. I had a flashback relapse when I was off my medicine. I was remembering a specific abusive event… became overwhelmingly angry towards my immediate family members… woke up my boyfriend asking for a hug… then fell asleep before him.  My biggest question for myself is why do I still feel that anger? I have gathered that the reason is due to not having really forgiven anyone for their perceived negligence towards me.
I just cannot completely wrap my head around forgiveness but that is at a larger level. I need to look at it from a smaller perspective. I need to think about what forgiving people can do for my mental health and personal relationships. I have come to understand that because I hold onto the past I continue to let myself feel like people don’t care. It causes tension for me and sometimes I cannot look anyone in the eyes. Here is a quick example of how my holding on to the past can wreak havoc for the present…
You know how people like to call those who felt betrayed by family members who voted Trump “crybabies.” What a terrible assumption. I am in this named group of “crybabies” because I absolutely felt betrayed by my family when they all lined up to vote for that moron who treats women like objects and is sexually abusive. As a person who was abused, and still apparently holding onto it, it felt like I was right back in that relationship with a narcissist asshole and I was invisible to everyone. I thought to myself how can they vote for someone like and defend his horrible words towards women when I was sitting right there. I lived through someone treating me poorly. Don’t defend it in front of me. That is why I get so burnt up when I see this “crybaby” term being thrown around. Unless you walked in the persons shoes and lived their life you have no right to pass judgment (I make every effort possible to live by these words but I know I can be better.)  Plus, the internet has provided a safe space for people to bully others but that is a whole other issue.
The lesson learned here was that holding onto the past created a stressful situation in my present which messed up my biological womanly functions for three months. I still don’t know how to deal with it but at least I can recognize where my problem can be found.
It is true that ultimately we are the controllers of our emotions. Yes people can cause us pain but we can chose how we react to it. I suppose I hold on to resentment because I am looking at it in terms of fairness. If I let something go then the person/people who hurt me get off scotch free. No harm no foul. I let it go and it would be like it never happened. I am giving them carpe diem.  How is that fair? Truth is it shouldn’t be about fairness.
1. What do you gain by holding onto resentments?
2. How do you know how the other person/people are feeling? You’re no mind reader!
First, I gain nothing but sadness and anger when I hold onto resentments. By forgiving and truly letting go I can free myself from this dreaded inner cycle. I understand the “what” I just need to execute the “how.” I believe I will find the “how” through a meditation practice. My family is important to me. I held on to the bitterness because I wanted them to understand my point of view on my life and how I felt. Secondly, whether they do or not, for my own wellbeing, I need to let it go and truly forgive. I don’t know what I need from them, but I cannot keep trying to seek the unknown while at the same time punishing everyone whenever I feel the anger resurfacing. I am a happy girl. I am grateful for my wonderful life. The fact that I still felt pain meant that I never forgave. I was displaying something called grace… if I understood A Thomas Point of View’s post. Regardless, I need this sadness and anger gone. I just want to love everyone and have everyone love me back. I want nothing but love to flow through my life and those around me. Is that so much to ask? I know I can get there and it starts with me. My first step is this.
I forgive you.
I forgive you for not understanding my situation… or turning a blind eye… or simply not hearing my cries for help. Truth of the matter is I am equally responsible. I had all the phone numbers and pamphlets you can image. The college gave them to me. I even called Safe Horizon once. They talked about moving me out of the borough and that I would likely have to leave my job. I hung up the phone because I was scared to just leave and, as stupid as this sounds, I didn’t want to quit my job at the library. I loved that job and I put it before my own safety on more than one occasion. At the end of the day I just didn’t have the strength to do it alone. I was too afraid. I forgive you even if you disagree that you had any contribution for any of my pain. Even if this is all one-sided I no longer want to have that as something between us.  It is not fair to you and it is not fair to me. I need to put this specific pain firmly behind me because I truly do love you all so much.
Now only if I could forgive myself.

My First Post Revisited

My First Post Revisited

One of my longest blogging buddies Giggling Fattie tagged me for the #MyFirstPostRevisited challenge.

I will be stealing What Sandra Thinks corrected rules! I want to participate but then my annoying inner insecure self doesn’t want to bother people. I never get bothered by these just so you all know! I enjoy them.

Here’s what I’m supposed to going to do…

» Copy and paste your old post into a new post or reblog your own bad self. (Either way is fine but NO editing.)
» Put the hashtag #MyFirstPostRevisited in your title.
» Tag five other bloggers to take up this challenge.
» Notify your tags in the comment section of their blog
» Feel free to cut and paste the badge to use in your post.
» Include the rules in your post.

I think a reintroduction is a great idea. My blog has grown significantly since I began nearly a year and a half ago. I think at times I have stepped away from what I said my goals were when I began. However, the more I thought about it the more I realized that this blog often flows with the way my mind works… jumping to random topics. I have worked all that out… after all it is my blog!  Without further ado here is my very first post But let me first write an introduction. It was done probably 2 to 3 weeks after I signed up with WordPress. I was overwhelmed by the emptiness of my newly minted blog that I waited for one of the Blogging 101 classes to begin before I posted anything. It was a fun class that brought me to many of you!

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I would like to begin my blogging adventure with a short introduction and intent for what I will be sharing with whoever stumbles across my ramblings. My name is Stephanie and I am 33 year old woman from New York City. Like so many people I have had a life long struggle with allowing others to shape my opinions of myself. Over the past year my life has changed in so many profound ways that I have had this nagging feeling to write about it. That is why I have begun this blog. I am blogging publicly because I want to join in the body positive revolution by contributing my story and journey in hopes of helping others. I also want to contribute to the fight to end emotional, mental, and physical abuse. I hope to inspire others to do the same because no two peoples’ stories are the similar. We may share in the struggle but we each handle them in our own unique ways. We can learn from one another. Form a community with a stronghold of support. It took me decades to finally get a grip on myself and now I want to extend the invitation to join me on my journey to sustainable happiness and self-acceptance.

The title of this blog, “When I thought I was fat,” was born from my constant complaining about how “I wish I was the weight I was when I thought I was fat.” A mouth full I know, hence the shorter title, but for me, there is no truer statement. Ever since I was around six years old I believed myself to look like a “rollie pollie.” This was a result of how adults spoke to me and how it made me feel. From my cheerleading coaches to family members, no one was exempt from my overpowering abilities to let the words of others shape my self-esteem as I grew up.

Yet now when I look at old photographs of myself I do not see a “rollie pollie.” I see an active child. An athletic child. A child capable of doing all the same things, and sometimes even more, than children that were considered “thin” or “light.” I see a young high school girl that wore clothes that were entirely too big to hide this hideous thing people called “fat.” Yet I sit here now typing my first blog 70 pounds away from my high school weight wishing so bad to get that number back.

I began diets every Monday. Meal skipped. Joined a gym. Began weight watchers. Gave up. Rejoined a gym. Rejoined weight watchers. Starved myself. I was stressed and living in an unhealthy environment where I was made to feel worthless by a man who claimed to care for me. I wasn’t good enough as I was. I wasn’t pretty until I was thin. I didn’t deserve the respect of a man until I was thin. Everything was just on the other side of the “until I was thin.” All this accumulated to my highest weight of 338 lbs. Last June I joined weight watchers for the last time. Ditched the gym because I discovered long walks worked best for me. Through the support of my family, friends, weight watchers groups, and therapy, I have learned to take things day by day. I learned that I am more than just a number on a scale. I learned to be happy with myself as I am now. I have not mastered self-acceptance perfectly but I am so much stronger than I was two years ago.

 

Spiritual abuse and my fallout with religion

Spiritual abuse and my fallout with religion

Every time I have a question about the abuse I went through I turn to my handy dandy book, It’s My Life Now: Starting over after an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence. This truly has been a wonderful resource and has made me realize what I went through was not unique. Many of the situations mentioned in the book I was able to check off.  From the book I was able to identify the physical, emotional, and financial abuse that I was subjected. Today I ruminate about a recent discovery. Another set of dots I can connect on trying to figure out why my attitude and feelings I have changed Continue reading

Domestic Violence is not a Partisan Issue

Domestic Violence is not a Partisan Issue

The Daily prompt of the day is the word simple so I have a very simple request.

Whether we dislike or like Trump I think the one thing we can agree on is that Domestic Violence is not a partisan issue. If we don’t then I don’t know what to say because abuse is not love.

I previously posted a few days back in Why I marched, the Violence Against Women Act is on the chopping block and if cut would be terrible news. If you want, no pressure believe me I’ll still read your blogs, please go to the National Network to end Domestic Violence site and send a letter to your representatives if you live in the United States. You don’t even have to write anything they fill it all out for you!

Tell Congress: Violence Against Women Act Funding is Under Threat

Have a great rest of your day!

 

What emotion is in the driver seat?

What emotion is in the driver seat?

Well yea that featured image blew the suspense but who are we kidding? Hello my name is Stephanie and I have lived life thus far driven by6206c0894633a7ace84739e9f5ebdfa4Ahhhhh! I have been a walking chicken shit. A scaredy cat.  A yellow-bellied fool that coward more times than she can count. Granted some of it was legit fear, but in all honesty a lot of it is a bunch of malarkey. Continue reading

Seed of Embarrassment

Seed of Embarrassment

I am happy to introduce my first contribution from the writer of the blog I will not live in vain.

This story comes from the perspective of a woman who was admired for her thinness and when she began to change she began to doubt her self worth and attractiveness. Through my experiences I understand how the attention of men correlates with your self-worth. I believe that certain types of men notice this in a woman and take advantage of it. There are two that I personally came across that fed off my low self-esteem and I’d be more than happy to share those stories at another time. It wouldn’t be until I met my boyfriend that I snapped out of that delusion. A man that makes you feel less is not a man worth having around and a man that builds you up is one you’ll never want to let go.

You are beautiful just the way you are 🙂

Continue reading