Still I Rise

Still I Rise

Still I Rise

Maya Angelou, 1928 – 2014

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I’ll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
‘Cause I walk like I’ve got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I’ll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops,
Weakened by my soulful cries?

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don’t you take it awful hard
‘Cause I laugh like I’ve got gold mines
Diggin’ in my own backyard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I’ll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I’ve got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history’s shame
I rise
Up from a past that’s rooted in pain
I rise
I’m a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

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What is happening to Title IX Protections?

So I hopped on the internet yesterday and found myself inundated with the latest doom and gloom headlines. This time revolving around the issues of Title IX protections for sexual assault victims. As an abuse survivor my immediate thoughts are to be outraged. It seems like almost every dam day there is something new to be outraged about. I can’t do this anymore. My brain is telling me that… can they just do that? Do they hate people that much? Why would you not want protections for sexual assault victims? That’s just pure common sense right? So I took a day before I decided to dive in and read about what the f is going on. What I found out was quite startling! CLICK TO READ MORE!!!! Continue reading

What are my VITALS?

What are my VITALS?

I open this blog post with a quote from Gretchen Rubin. I currently do not know much about her other than what I read briefly in her bio and this awesome quote I relate to so much!

“My first commandment is to “Be Gretchen”—yet it’s very hard to know myself.  I get so distracted by the way I wish I were, or the way I assume I am, that I lose sight of what’s actually true.”

Continue reading

Yes, time anxiety is a real thing!

Yes, time anxiety is a real thing!

One of my more debilitating anxieties to date is that which I have with time. My time anxiety has often left me feeling very panicky. My heart thumps out of my chest. My hands get all cold and shaky. And depending on what is going on at the moment I find myself have difficulty focusing. I read two articles trying to gather some background info on time anxiety. I wondered if it was a real thing since sometimes people like to poke fun at it… like how I was afraid of missing the boat when we went on the cruise two weeks ago…. My goodness has it really been that long???  Is it really September???? You know honestly I feel time is moving too fast. I mean geez Christmas, New Years, and birthdays have been whipping around at what feels like light speed. Every year I get older and I still don’t even know if I want kids! The panic is real people the panic is real. Continue reading

Divided we fall…

Divided we fall…

I am at a loss for words but I am going to try to find some.  I have to come realize that the world today moves from one big story to the next without time for reset. The internet is constantly renewing itself with a plethora of information, whether based in fact or not, that can most of the time feel overwhelming to sift through.  The internet is also chock full of people, who from the safety of the other side of the computer, spew hatred and hand out judgements out to people they don’t approve of… as if their approval is needed for someone’s pure existence. Negativity outweighs the positive and creates this feeling of panic. As I write this my hands are cold and shaky. My heart is beating terribly fast and all I want to do is run home to my bed and hide there until the world is safe again.  I feel the urge to erase that last statement because people like to turn that around and call you names like snowflake or libtard. They cannot fathom that depression, anxiety, and fear are real things people feel. They rather poke fun at it and give it a name.  But I will leave it. To delete it is to erase a piece of my story. Continue reading

Not all book series are for you

Not all book series are for you

I am the type of person who hates not finishing something. It is why all these years later I am still playing the original game Candy Crush on my phone. I am determined to get to the last level but the dam creators keep adding more and more… I believe they are past 2000 and I am only on level 1270! At this rate I don’t know if I will ever catch up as I refuse to spend any real money on buying boosters and gold bars!

I am not just a dedicated phone gamer I am also a lover of reading. I love a good series… cough Harry Potter.. cough Star Wars… cough. I am always on the watch for new ones or ones I may have missed. Every now and then I am pointed in the direction of a series I am told I would enjoy. Game of Thrones is one of them but I am fearful to start it. I hear Martin has no qualms about killing off characters and I have attachment issues with my favorites… sniff Snape sniff. The other series that was suggested was Diana Gabaldon’s Outlander. I read some reviews on it and it seemed to be well loved… plus it is 8 books long! It would have solved by “what will I read next” issue for a while. It addition, it is currently a Starz program. I was basically given months of potential entertainment!

So I picked up the first book to get started… if you haven’t read or seen the series and don’t wish to be spoiled I created this page break for your safety! Continue reading

Never hungry

Partner is by definition a person who comes together with another person in an undertaking with a shared outcome. By moving in together that is exactly what we did. I often fret about whether or not I am holding my even share in this wonderful venture. Living with him as been one of the easiest things I have ever done. It feels natural like I was always suppose to be here… in this place… creating our home and building our lives.

Yet I am nagged by the fact that I can’t remember the last time I cooked something. My guess would be around last December. Yet I never go hungry. Even when he is not around the leftovers sustain me until his return. I am not kidding. This past week I made a fritta and Brussels sprouts stretch four days! I am tired of eggs, but I didn’t have to buy any of the overpriced food they try to sell around where I work. And when he is home… my dinner is always packed and ready to go for the next day. I am hardly around during the week between my hours and the time it takes to commute back and forth. He has made this work transition so seamless for me.

However, I really should cook on the weekends when I am home. I really should. But then does things like making pizza or BBQ chicken. It’s soooooo good. I can’t compete with his kitchen skills. Flavors come natural to him. He can wing something and it will be a party in my stomach. He says he loves to cook and I am forever grateful for that… but I don’t want him to feel like he always HAS to cook. I know my way around a kitchen just not as well. I try to compensate for my lack of cooking by keeping up with the laundry, dusting, and vacuuming…. the last two I been slacking on due to the fact I hate dust and there is cat hair EVERYWHERE. Yet that is only one day a week. His underwear may be clean but I eat everyday! Then again he does wear clean clothes everyday… it’s the same thing right?

I should stop being paranoid about my lack of cooking hours. I should take my solace in the fact that if he didn’t like something he wouldn’t do it. I should believe that I do in fact bring my fair share to this relationship. I’ve done a lot of growing in the past two years. I fixed my credit. I have a back account even though I hate banks.  I am not longer miserable at work because I found a job in the path I have chosen as my career. It’s not perfect but nothing ever is really. Most importantly, to me anyway, I am in a healthy relationship with the man I love and want to spend the rest of my days. Yet I can’t kick these dam insecurities. I feel like a character that is having trouble developing!