Mental pains

I had an appointment with my therapist this morning (I’m super happy she is back from maternity leave). We talked about all the self-deprecative silly thoughts bestowed upon my psyche this past couple weeks.

  1. I turned 35 and I am acting like I am so old. I am getting married soon and I am excited about that… but then I start thinking about kids… and the fact I am still not 100% on where I stand with that… and how I will be 36 if all goes right when I become pregnant for the first time. I know women are having children later in life than in the past but I can’t help feeling scared about it.
  2. I am having many more “I feel fat and ugly” days recently. I am trying to get healthier but every 3 steps forward I fall back 2 1/2. It’s like I can’t east anything without it attaching itself to my stomach. Fat loves my stomach 😦 I don’t place my happiness on being thinner but I really would love to do things without all the extra pain and effort it takes.
  3. My troubled past creeps in from time to time knocking me out of nowhere when it does. This past weekend I was reminded how sometimes… if not most of the time.. people don’t like to get involved in situations that don’t involve them. A conversation was had amongst friends regarding some new loud neighbors… and possible abuse happening. I made the suggestion that the cops be called but I was retorted with a “I don’t want to get involved.” This brought me back to the time my neighbors didn’t call the cops when I was screaming for my life. Instead they called the rental office to complain about the noise level coming from our apartment. This naturally dampened my mood and I ended up crying waiting on a line to buy lake tour tickets.
  4. This led to me hating on myself. I hate that I cry all the time. I hate that these memories and pains can’t just disappear completely from my life. I understand that this is impossible that my past is a part of my but I don’t want it to keep interfering with my future.
  5. This brought my thoughts to what is the point of life and why even exist? No I would never kill myself but that still don’t stop me from questing the point of it all if pain never completely heals.
  6. I actually said the words to myself… I hate being white. Driving through the south we saw a whole lot of confederate flags… a friend who lives down south doesn’t go to certain places because her skin is brown… this superiority complex of some white people does not represent me… so why do I beat up on myself? I don’t treat people like I am better… never have.
  7. I bury my depression in shopping but I need to focus on saving… so my internal struggle to want stuff with the words Harry Potter or Star Wars on it is at odds with my desire to go on vacations… what the hell is wrong with me!

I am in so much mental pain I don’t know what to do with it all.

Can’t sleep

I hate this feeling. I always thought it was gone. I’m happy now. I have a great life. But three days without my antidepressant medication and I’m dizzy, irritable, and easy to cry.  I also keep getting flashbacks. I’m trying to sleep and I’m haunted by that twisted face pinning me down and wailing on me. Whipping my arms with a hanger. The scene keeps playing everytime I close my eyes. I feel like damaged goods. 

I went Friday on my day off to pick up my refill only to find out my doctor never called it in. The office was closed when I called and closed until Monday so I guess I get to feel like shit through the weekend. If I’m able to emerge from this by Monday feeling better I’m dumping the doctor and not going back on the medication. I just need to find my strength and pray the dizziness stops. 

Also I’m sorry for not posting all last week. My new job does not allow for recreational internet access and I work late hours so I’ve had to adjust my routine. I have a post nearly ready and I’ll get that to you sometime tomorrow. 

As you can imagine I’ve been very upset thinking I was over all this crying all day crap. I feel like a fraud with my positivity challenge. Maybe this lack of medicine causing my crying and general emotional rollercoaster is all my head. I pray that whatever it is be lifted from me because I hate this feeling. 

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Has anyone reading this ever seen the show the Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt? It is a Netflix web sitcom… (so yea this is now a thing… new shows are not only found through the television airways… check your subscription sites!)…. that  follows the life of Kimmy Schmidt. Kimmy, an Indiana girl, was abducted into a doomsday cult. She lived underground with three other women for 15 years. After their rescue, Kimmy decides to move to New York City for a fresh start. She did not want to be seen as a victim or a “mole woman” as they were branded. She felt by going back home this is how people would look at her. Continue reading

I can’t quit

Nightmare

He says to me, “Quit your job.”

Confused I say, “But I need a job. You said I needed a job.”

“Not that one. Quit. Right now. Write an email.”

“I’m sorry but I can’t. We need the money,” I said trying to reason with him.

His voice gets louder. “It’s only part time it does nothing.”

“It’s better than nothing!” I cry.

His face gets angry and his voice even louder as he yells, “I don’t want you working there. You wouldn’t even have known if I didn’t tell you!”

I’m scared now but I still try to reason with him. “I can’t quit I just started.”

He leaps from the bed and tackles me backwards to the bedroom floor. Sitting over me holding a pair of scissors.

“Say you’re going to quit or I’m going to stab you.”

I plead with him: “Please stop I need a job you said so yourself. Please stop.”

“I’m going to count to three.”

“One.”

“Two.”

I brace for impact.

He throws the scissors away and storms off.

About the other night…

About the other night…

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About two nights or so ago there was a disturbance in the force. Loud and I mean LOUD screaming was happening out on the street around 1ish in the morning. At first I thought I was having one of my nightmares about all the screaming I endured at similar hellish hours of the night. My body went cold and numb as I tried to wake myself up. Somewhere in the middle of being asleep and waking up I realized that the noise was coming from outside the window. Continue reading